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    angieforte's Avatar
    angieforte Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 27, 2009, 05:56 PM
    He wants to be friends with his former lover
    We have been married 21 years and have three great kids. Last year I found out he was having an affair with our former live in nanny. It started while she was still with us. Things were not great between he and I then, and I take full responsibility for my part in our difficulties. I suffer from severe major depressive disorder and its taken its toll on both of us.But, he chose to make things worse and started this affair. I was devastated. After several months, he decided to end it and try to work things out. It was a very bumpy road but after 7 or 8 months, we found ourselves moving to what appeared to be a good space. Then, being the snoop I am, and still mistrustful of him, I got into his email account and found out he had just started seeing her. "to help her with her homework" he says. I demanded he cut off all communication. Even if its just to help her out once in a while^ he asked. Affirmative. After several discussions we remained at this impasse. I told him I could not live with this -- cut it off completely or I am out of here. He declined. Ball's in my court. The road ahead for me looks scary. He is walking around being very sweet and loving today. I cannot believe it.
    Am I wrong to insist on this? How can I do this to the kids he asks, about separating. I am wracked with anxiety.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #2

    Oct 27, 2009, 09:18 PM
    You're in a difficult situation and I can understand your anxiety.

    It is not acceptable that he still keep in contact with the Ex-nanny if he wants to work on your marriage. Even if it is to 'help her with her homework'. Yea, right. Surely occasionally 'helping her with her homework' is not more important to him than protecting your marriage? It also sounds as if she's a lot younger than him, which is troubling. How much future can there be in this?

    Clearly there are deeper issues at play here and your marriage is not as solid as you hoped. Could he be using this to undermine your relationship and force you to create the split? Perhaps he's pushing to see how far you'll go and trying to freak you out by putting the blame on to you for dividing the family.

    Is it possible for you to go to counselling on your own and get some strategies for dealing with this? Essentially he's trying to make you responsible for something he wants to do. I think you should call his bluff, but you may not be willing to take the risk.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #3

    Oct 27, 2009, 09:21 PM

    He had an affair and he thinks it's okay to be friends with the woman he cheated on you with?

    No! No, no, no, no, no.

    As for how you can do this to your kids, you aren't doing it, he is.

    You gave him an ultimatum, so now act on it. The balls not in your court, it's in his. Either he wants to keep his marriage intact or he wants to be friends with the homewrecker, it should be an easy choice.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #4

    Oct 27, 2009, 10:36 PM
    Why do you have to leave when he is creating the problem?

    I would be inclined to pack up all his stuff, and deliver it to the nanny's house. Then I'd change the locks, empty the bank accounts, and have an attorney send divorce papers to his new address.

    I know that is probably illegal, I'm saying that tongue in cheek. But surely if he is the one who insists on destroying his marriage and torturing you, then he should be willing to make a few sacrifices.

    Play your cards right. Get to a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself. Find out what you can do to secure the family home and get him out (if possible). He has a place to go, you don't. Arm yourself with good information, and execute a plan based on what you can do, and keep your emotions in check. You'll have plenty of time for crying after you've got yourself in a safe and secure position.

    You have to take care of yourself, and I'd start with a visit to a good lawyer.
    angieforte's Avatar
    angieforte Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 28, 2009, 06:44 AM
    Thanks for your replies. You all have given me a lot of insight. A good lawyer is what I have though I haven't seen her for months. She is a barracuda. I worry a lot about the impact of a separation on the kids. And maybe he does want me to do the dirty work on a separation. Kind of sick, He is away on business today. I told him I would not sneak around behind him regarding a separation and would let him know when I am ready to see a lawyer. He says I am seeking revenge on the nanny. Quite frankly I have thought or talked about her very little. She is not the problem.

    Sorry I am new to this site and did not know about the support user function. If I do that on the last message in the thread, will it support all of you or just one?
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #6

    Oct 28, 2009, 03:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by angieforte View Post
    Thanks for your replies. You all have given me alot of insight. A good lawyer is what I have though I haven't seen her for months. She is a barracuda. I worry alot about the impact of a separation on the kids. And maybe he does want me to do the dirty work on a separation. Kinda sick, He is away on business today. I told him I would not sneak around behind him regarding a separation and would let him know when I am ready to see a lawyer. He says I am seeking revenge on the nanny. Quite frankly I have thought or talked about her very little. She is not the problem.

    Sorry I am new to this site and did not know about the support user function. If I do that on the last message in the thread, will it support all of you or just one?
    Interesting how he's trying to deflect responsibility for his own actions on to some one else. You're right, the nanny isn't the problem. His attitude is.

    I'd be calm and firm and speak to the barracuda. I'd also speak to your husband and ask if he's willing to put 21 years marriage and 3 wonderful children at risk for a nanny.
    angieforte's Avatar
    angieforte Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 29, 2009, 08:39 AM

    Thank you Gemini, insighhtful as always. I can' eat, sleep, think. It will take a while to build up the courage to split from him. I know there are psychologists here who specialize in counselling on separation -- I think I will look them up. Thanks again
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #8

    Oct 29, 2009, 02:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by angieforte View Post
    thank you Gemini, insighhtful as always. I can' eat, sleep, think. It will take a while to build up the courage to split from him. I know there are psychologists here who specialize in counselling on separation -- I think I will look them up. Thanks again
    Good luck and take care, at this point I don't see that you have any other choice!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #9

    Oct 29, 2009, 08:49 PM

    You should have started his butt out the door by seeing a lawyer last month.
    tamme's Avatar
    tamme Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Oct 30, 2009, 06:46 AM

    You have to be able to trust your spouse. If you can't you don't have a marriage.

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