I would need a little help in the relation with my husband. I am married with a nice, good looking, friendly and happy man. Our wedding was 2 years ago. I liked him from the beginning I saw him and I wished to marry a man like him.

The problem is that even from our engagement he was distant to me. It was a very strange feeling for me. He was doing very nice things to me as bringing flowers often, little gifts, driving me home every day, but instead of being happy I felt more and more empty around him. He didn't like to talk with me, there was no communication, no discussion about our future, just the elementary things about wedding. He wanted to marry me as soon as possible. When I asked him why we don't talk a lot like the other couples he said that he is not communicative person.

I should say that he was the first boyfriend I had and I didn't have any experience in dating, so I believed him somehow. I the same time he was very close to some other girls, friends of him, they used to chat a lot on Internet and I even discovered that he can be very communicative person(with them). I discovered also that he is paying more attention to some other girls than to me. He was flirting with a lot of girls and didn't care I am seeing this things and I am so injured in my soul. Every time I was asking him what is going on he told me that there is nothing wrong, he is not doing anything bad. I am so confused! What kind of love is this? Is it normal?

The honeymoon was sooo sad for me. Our first intimate relation was really sad. He didn't showed any interest for me, for my body, for my person, he did everything quickly and without any affection or care. After he finished he just left like nothing happened. I prepared for the first night after wedding some nice things, like chocolate and so on but he consumed everything before the special night which never came. I also bought some very nice dress for the first night but I didn't have the occasion to where it. He just slept every night and said he is to tired to make to "special night"... so our first contact was in some of the honeymoon days... when he finally wanted, in a totally unprepared moment.

Now am living a very strange marriage. He is saying very often he loves me, he does very many things for me, but I feel him could, when we are making love I feel he is not with me, very superficial, it is like he is thinking to something totally different than our sex. When he is touching me is like he touch a three, a stone, not a woman. I don't feel excited at all, more frustrated. I can not say I love him anymore. In the same time he was trying to flirt a lot with all the possible girls around. I asked him what is wrong with me? I tried to do anything to make him happy, be a good wife, making perfect all the house staff, I tried to make myself look perfect and people around really like the way I look, I tried to be very good in bed, I tried to do all the things he told me he likes, but he is still could and distant. Every time I ask him why does he looks unpleased he tells me that he is pleased with me as wife, but I don't feel it. I am feeling very alone.

Sometimes in the night I really need somebody to hold me, to take care of me. If I try to pat him, to touch him to show him affections he likes it but treat me like I am his mother, not the lover. It is like I am indebted to do it and he doesn't have to turn it me back. If he turns my affection is doing it superficial, unknacky, fast, from obligation. For me this is not real love. We never have a nice communication, let's say not like lovers but at least as friends, relatives. Every discussion is short, superficial and he prefers to do anything else than talking to me. I feel he lies me sometimes, I feel he is hiding from me, all my effort to become friends looks like is embarrassing him. I don't know what to think. I can not live in peace with this relation.

There are so many nights I don't sleep. It is not that bad, somebody would say, but I can not live so confused. I don't want to live in a lie. I want to know the truth doesn't matter what it will be. There are some girls which he said about that they are nicer than me, he used to talk with them on Internet. I am thinking he likes more them but he married me because thanks to God I earn nice money with my job and from early age I was able to take care of myself, living alone. Sometimes I am thinking that he uses me and is doing all that nice things for me to make me believe he loves me. I hope this is not the truth. Maybe he has some feelings for me but not the right ones. He is my life partner only in papers, not in the real life. I also don't trust him at all. I believe he is able to cheat to me.

The worst thing is that I don't really love him anymore and I hate making love to him. I felt to unsafe around him and I fell I was betrayed and lied.Please help me clean my mind and understand what is going on. I feel unappreciated, I feel I am not special for anybody and I am sad for my relation. I am so confused. Please help me understand what is going on and what should I do. Sometimes I am so desperate that I spent hours arranging my hair till late in night hoping he will show me some affection if I am more beautiful, but the result is so sad. Just some could words that I am nice and that is all. Nothing warm between us... is killing me and I loose all my appetite for my life. I feel I have no reasons to go on.
I will appreciate all your help! Thank you!

Ellastini,I feel so sorry that you are in a cold,loveless marriage.You sound starved of love and affection.You don't have a normal,happy,healthy relationship with your husband,cant trust him,feel that he lies to you and somewhere I also sense that you are scared for your safety.

Confront him immediately.Express your fears and doubts frankly and demand to know what's on his mind.Tell him this isn't a normal situation for happily married couples and no husband treats their wife so distantly.Dont let him convince you any other way and don't let him make you think its all in your head.

If he fails to give you a convincing explanation for his shifty attitude and cold behaviour,you need to take a decision.The more you stay with people who are like your husband,the more they play with your mind and confuse you.You don't know where you stand with such players and that's not the way a young newly married woman should feel in her marriage.

You deserve much better.

Life is very short, don't waste it. Sounds like he doesn't really know how to have a one-on-one relationship in person. He seems to very unsure of himself and due to that doesn't know how to be a proper husband or lover. He seems to be able carry on conversation with anyone over internet, which he doesn't have to interact face to face. And when he flirts with some other woman, he doesn't have to carry on a every day life situation, like how he apparently is not secure about being a real great lover. Before you make any life lasting decisions, could you possible go to a counselor? Best of Luck in your decision.

You both have a lot to learn, and it was obvious from the start there was NO HONEST COMMUNICATIONS BETWEEN YOU.

That can change with help, if you are both willing to be guided by an impartial, experienced third party.

At least you learn the art of communications, of talking and listening to each other, if not, you both will be victims of resentments and unreasonable expectations, and that is a disaster.

This is NOT all his fault as instead of talking, you went along with his program from the start, and did not act on the obvious red flags that were there in the beginning.

Thank you very much for your unswers! I find them very very useful and I am so glad to see some advises! In the last time I tried many times to have serious discussions with him. Unfortunately I am afraid I don't really love him I just need him, his attention, afection and so on. I am afraid sometimes I hate him and find him not interesting. He can not unswer to my questions about his wrong atitudes. Ones we had a fight for flirting with some other girls, he promised he will change, he will not do stupid things anymore, I forgived him and we seemed to have peace. Same day we went to park for joking and met a grup of young persons. He started flirting with one of the girls, looking in her eyes, smiling she did the same and I felt so stupid. I feel I have nothing to do with this guy. In the same time I know divorce is a sin and I don't know anybody else to start a new relation. I was to quiet person thinking (stupid me) that the right guy will find me and will see my qualities without to do efforts to show everybody how good I am. I just saw one of his personal folders named "special things" where was saved a link to a camp in the mountines where were about 40 young persons he was too and mee too. It was just in the year we met and made the engagement. Everythime we talk about that camp he is sayng that he don't remember anything about me. He even didn't see me. But he had some adventure with a easy girl. He kept that link to the photos from the camp on his "special things" folder and he is telling me that there was nothing serious between that girl and him . And that girl was such a *****, I am so ashamed being the wife of a guy who had such girl friends. When I asked what is with that link he said the he doesn't remember for sure what is with it. He said that he just saved it there that is all nothing important. I am angry because I think he is taking me as stupid. I know I have done mistakes and I regret choosing him as my life partner, but I know I just wanted to do my best, I wanted to marry a serious amn and I thought he is serious and peiople around me said that he is serious. Now what can I do?

Accept him as he is if you want to save your marriage. You are his wife not other girls so feel proud of being wife of such a handsome person. Many girls are being jealous with you. So feel proud and special. You are special for him that's why he had married you not other girls. And everything will be all right as time passes.

I am in a very similar situation. I have only been married for 1 yr but together for 6. My girlfiends have shared there personal experiences and have told me that I am missing out on so much but in my heart I already knew.He isn't considerate in bed at all its all him it is over in a few minutes and there is never any cuddles or kisses afterwards and never any foreplay I always feel unhappy and unsatisfied even used.I know that sounds terrible and I can't believe I have put up with it for this long I have even told him how I feel but it just goes through one ear and out the other like I don't seem to count. Ever since the day I married him I have felt like a housekeeper definitely not at all like a cherished wife.He also flirts with other women whether I am there or not I have told him that it hurts me but he says the same that he is not doing anything wrong and he continues to do it not taking note of my feelings at all.But I know I deserve more than this we should be the most important people in there lives to be cared for protected and cherished I don't feel any of these things at all it shouldn't be like this but we have choices in life we can either stay and put up with it or leave and I choose to .There are some lovely men out there who would love to have women like us and we deserve to have the chance to find them.We only get one shot at life so don't spend it being miserable and unloved be brave and listen to what your heart is telling you because every one of us deserves to be happy.Like you I feel terrible about divorce but we are not the first or the last to go through this and it isn't anything to be ashamed of. I would rather suffer going through that than suffer in a marriage where I am desperatly unhappy... all my good wishes to you friend x

All due respect to you Elastani, But may I submit to you that a life partner is not a path to happiness, but a partner to add to your happiness. We all have the idea of very good times to share with someone on our journey through life. A long and happy one. But what gets left out in the beginning is the hard work that goes into building that life. What is never mentioned at all is the things within ourselves that we have to overcome to even connect to another human who we have chosen to share our journey with.

From your words, I think you have some unrealistic expectations for what a man should do for you, and with you, but have not developed or defined together what type of life you want to make for yourselves and frankly that takes YEARS between two people who have very different views of the world.

There also has to be developed a communications between you, so you both have an understanding of the way you each want to live, and expect from each other. While I don't know how long you have been together before marriage, from what you have written, you seem to have wanted to be married for reasons other than to work together.
I may be wrong, but if your idea of marriage was a fellow that can do these things for you your way, did you not discuss this with him and express them? That is what leads me to believe that the communications in your marriage was lacking before, and still is, and you think he is a mind reader who will take care of your innermost needs automatically without you at least stating them. This is very common among humans, and is an obstacle to overcome as you both grow. So while I understand completely your disillusionment, I do NOT understand why you have not taken a positive proactive, attitude of opening your heart and mind to him, nor the inability to open his to you. I always thought females were good at those types of things but I am learning, that both men and women have things to learn about themselves and each other and that requires the right attitudes to begin with and foremost is the WILLINGNESS to explore and adjust to each other.

That is where your discovery has to begin with a willingness to learn his ways and learn to work with him through honest communications. All do respect, but work on those communication skills, as that is your key to understanding, so you will not misread his intentions or ideas, nor he yours. That may take years, but its better than looking for another whom you think is better.

Didn't your mother tell you of how hard it is to build a life that you enjoy with another human?

You married a man you did not know.

You didn't know him, because he didn't talk, and you didn't expect him to. You accepted him as he was. You had needs that you didn't express, concerns that were not addressed, questions and doubts, yet, you still married him.

Marriage will not suddenly change anything. It doesn't change who the parties are, it doesn't change their personalities, traits, habits. To expect that after marriage he is going to turn into somebody he isn't, is very naïve.

He is who he is.

He does not communicate well. Except with other women. He is not attentive, loving, supportive, kind, or understanding.

You cannot make him change, he is who he is.

A marriage that starts without thouroughly knowing what you are getting into, and a marriage that doesn't even have love as a common denominator, is doomed to fail.

You are realizing now what you should have known before you married him- had you taken the time to really determine if he was a suitable mate, which he is not as you've found out.

You can't start with nothing, and turn it into something. You can't start without loving someone, and turn it into love.

I hope for your sake, when you have sex with this man that you take precautions not to get pregnant and add to your misery.

My advise to you is to try to mitigate your damages, realize you made a terrible mistake, and take what you have learned and used that to eventually find a mate that has none of the qualities your husband has.