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    leliraven's Avatar
    leliraven Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Oct 2, 2017, 02:16 PM
    Financial embalance
    I am a mother of three and have a full time job. My husband makes more than three times what I earn. He travels a lot, and I remain with our thee kids all the time. Once he pays the rent and one or two bills I have to find ways to get our food and groceries... my salary barely covers this and hence am in debt. Sometimes he does get the food and groceries too. Having handled the bigger expenses like school bills and rent he then decides how he will spend whatever he is left with. I have no chance to decide how to spend my money because I know it definitely has to meet household needs. At first he used to get less but having developed himself he now earns more. I have had chances to develop myself but I decided to concentrate on our kids first. Now I want to develop my carrier but I barely have money to spare for that. He keeps asking me why I haven't bought that or this and that makes me think he doesn't understand that I am living broke.I haven't discussed all this with him because I feel like he will blame me for my low income and dependence on him, our communication is already very poor and I feel like he disapproves of everything I do including any ideas I have, I feel like he tolerates me and endures me. I feel like he doesn't believe in me. I think he is ignorant of my financial situation and I want to tell him about how I am struggling and the debt I am incurring. I don't want to be a burden to him but I think I may have to admit that I can I discuss this issue with him , and how can I improve my finances.
    I hope I have represented the facts as they are
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Oct 2, 2017, 03:12 PM
    I really don't understand married couples that keep separate finances. You're married, you have a home together and kids together, so why are you not sharing the money you make and paying together for all the things you own and need.

    Stop buying food. Stop paying the bills you pay. He'll step up because he'll have to unless he wants his kids to go hungry and lose the home they live in.

    Just really don't understand this mentality at all. When you get married you become one, so shouldn't the money belong to both halves of that one?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Oct 2, 2017, 03:18 PM
    Put your household expenses in writing and show him how and why you are in debt. The real problem is your failure to communicate and express your needs, concerns, and feelings, so of course he has to be ignorant of all those things including your ideas. This keeps you ignorant also, and the sad part is when you assume you are a burden with so little value to this family, then you start acting like you are, and the whole family loses out.

    If you expect shared finances and responsibilities then you MUST share your opinions too. Be aware your wants and goals must be realistic as it escapes me how you expect to have time for a career when he travels a lot for his job? See that's the thing about not talking to each other, because you make assumptions about his finances, concerns, feelings and needs, too don't you? It's one thing to talk, disagree, and work things out to the benefit of you both, and NOT to talk at all and nobody's concerns are met.

    That can't be good so start learning how to communicate with your husband and give him the chance to LEARN how to communicate with YOU. Obviously you both have been busy with other more pressing things in your lives like making a home for your kids, but now it's time to improve the marriage through honest communications with each other.

    It's not that easy so be patient with each other and keep at it. It may be a never ending process that takes a lifetime to master, so count your blessings when it just gets a little better and easier each day you stay with it. There are no quick easy fixes that I know of, but it's a LOT of hard work, and it's seldom fun while you are working at it. You must first BOTH be willing. So start expressing yourself, and see what happens. Make sense?
    leliraven's Avatar
    leliraven Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
    New Member

    Oct 2, 2017, 06:38 PM
    thank you, I guess I have lost myself somewhere along the way, what you are saying is what I believe in, I have just become a spectator in my own marriage as I watch my spouse , who is a good man go on with strange values and hurt me emotionally... thanks for reminding me of my values.

    talaniman you have said it. I needed courage, we don't communicate,its complicated, but am slowly trying to get back who I am. I just feel so put down sometimes, I am giving and giving, not thinking about me, in the end I have nothing of value to give
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Oct 2, 2017, 07:07 PM
    I'm going to go a step further - any married woman who puts her children first should not only be sitting down with her husband once a month to do a review of income and expenses, but she should be putting a bit of money into an account of her own each month. It doesn't have to be secret, but there's nothing wrong with that. Why? Because someday she may need a divorce lawyer, when her husband is fooling around or gambling or planning to divorce her without telling her. It isn't horrible or sneaky. It's practical insurance. Many a man who gets successful at business decides he wants a trophy wife.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855

    Oct 2, 2017, 07:16 PM
    in the end I have nothing of value to give

    Stop saying that! You may just be 25% of the finances, but you contribute 100% of yourself for your family. You just need to submit a better household budget to your husband, because things have changed and if you have to go into debt to maintain your household properly then he has to contribute MORE. I realize he travels for a living and may be out of touch with that reality, but it's your job to keep him INFORMED about his household.

    Just do it. He may be a good man, but he ain't perfect! Could he do as you have done raised a family, run the household AND work full time? I bet YOU could do what he has done though, further your career and bring home a good salary since that seems to be ALL he has done.

    You dare think you have no value? You are looking in the wrong mirror lady. You're value is GREAT! Your self esteem though needs work.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,302, Reputation: 7692

    Oct 2, 2017, 08:19 PM
    You sound like you are scared to talk to him, and expect him to do more of his duty.

    You make up a written budget, with you enough and sit down and plan on how it is paid.

    This is what couples do, (or should do)

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