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    Guy1321's Avatar
    Guy1321 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    May 25, 2009, 09:52 PM
    Emotional Affair

    I've been married for just over a year. About 2yrs ago I was sitting with my girlfriend (my now wife) and over heard a conversation with her cousin in law on the phone. It was an almost innocent comment that I heard, but I didn't ever really trust her cousin in law as he'd mentioned to me before "I should hurry and marry her as he knew of others who were interested.", namely himself. However when I confronted her and she said that he had told her he had feelings for her. I was very angry with him and told her that I didn't want her to speak with him or see him.
    As time moved on we got engaged, and married. I did notice little things, and would mention it, but she denied anything. She said there was nothing going on, and she never saw him as a threat as she knew him since she was very young, 14 or so, he was more like a brother. (She's 29 now, so almost 15yrs)
    Shortly after our wedding though I found a "love letter" from him to her. I would consider myself a natural worrier so I thought prior to this letter I was probably worrying for no reason. This of course blew everything up, including her family, as it was her cousin's husband after all. We went to counselling, and after many questions and arguments she admits to an emotional affair but never anything physical. We've somehow stayed together although trust is still and issue it's slowly improving.
    However a few days ago we got into a strange conversation that lead me to ask if she still had feelings for him and she wouldn't answer. She says that he's her family for so she still cares about him. The problem is she let him get close to her because he was "family" - and he used that connection to try and get into her pants. She just doesn't see it.
    Do I give up at this point? We've been together over 7yrs. I feel like he stole my life from me, and she let him! What do I do?
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
    Ultra Member

    May 26, 2009, 12:29 AM
    I feel like he stole my life from me, and she let him! What do I do?
    Can you let it go? The more you fight something like this and let it gnaw away at you, the worse it will get. You're using her connection with him as an excuse for the deterioration of your relationship, but it's your continued focus on it that's becoming the problem.

    Your relationship will never get better while you believe that - "he stole my life away from me" - in reality you're stealing your own life away with this continued obsession. And as an added extra, the more you focus on it, the less likely she is to put it away as well. You'll end up driving her away from you.

    Can you focus on your connection with her instead? Your love and affection for each other, your shared experiences, your marriage? Do you care about her? Do you show it?

    Try and shift your focus of attention if you can to rekindling some of the love and affection you feel for each other. She may care about him but she's with you isn't she?
    Rich11111's Avatar
    Rich11111 Posts: 99, Reputation: 25
    Junior Member

    May 26, 2009, 04:39 AM

    I agree that you need to let this go a little, and concentrate more on your own relationship.

    However since she has admitted to having an emotional affair with the guy, and lied about it for a long time, even when directly asked, it is understandable to ask her to see him only when necessary. Even if he is "family".
    Also because even if she didn't have feelings for him, I think its understandable to ask her to stay away from someone who is in love with her and seems to be willing to go behind his wife's and your back. He wouldn't have sent the letter if he didn't want her. (how did his wife react to the love letter?)

    Even if I trusted her completely, I wouldn't want my girlfriend to be good friends with someone who is in love with her and willing to sleep with her behind my back.

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