My wife says I don't fill the empathy 'best friend' hole in her life, and has moved out to live at her parents, but doesn't want a divorce yet. I had finally convinced her to go to Marriage Counseling next week. I've been calling her daily, but she doesn't want to have 'heavy' conversations, just light conversations about daily stuff. She moved out for a week last month, she would come home every day and we'd cuddle, but she'd spend the night at her parents house. She told me she was upset that I didn't call her during that time.

I've been putting old love photos on her dashboard of her car while she's at work, and other little things to show her that I still love her.

Do I need to not talk to her at all until the marriage counseling. I'm so confused. It doesn't seem like anything I can say will fix anything. She doesn't want to stay at home because sex confuses her mind and makes her want to stay with me, and she says she needs a clear head, and to 'rediscover herself'.

I understand that the 'no contact' rule applies after a breakup, but a marriage separation (or whatever this is)??

Also, since she got mad at me last time for not calling her at her parents house. Should I tell her 'I'm not going to call you, you call me'.

Should I even take her calls if she calls.

Space means space to think and if you stay in contact it ll only add to whatever confusion there is already.
I suggest you tell your wife you ll not contact her until you meet up for the counselling session.

I'm scared because last month she admitted to kissing a coworker, and I forgave her, and then she was 5 hours late home from work the other day, and admitted that she was with him again, but did not have sex. Since she has moved into her parents house, she has realized that she needs to take a break from him and me.

I'm afraid that if I don't constantly remind her of me, that it will give the other guy an upper hand.

That's where you need to stay strong and not come across as needy and clingy.
Leave her alone until the session next week or you may actually push her away.

Thread moved to Marriage section

Sounds like she's leading you on how she wants to proceed. She wants to keep the conversations "light" and she wants you to call her during the day. So I would go with that.

Marriage counselling is a good first step. If both of you want this marriage to work, then you'll BOTH have to put in the effort. It can't be a one-way marriage, which is why I find the fact that she kissed another guy is very disturbing. That's considered cheating in my books. The trust is obviously shaken and she should also be trying to repair the marriage. But you forgave her so easily, I wonder what else she thinks that she can get away with.

I have never kissed my best friend, have you? The "empathy, best friend" hole is not what I'd be worried about.

She is actually upset with you because you didn't call her, while she is at her mothers trying to figure out if she wants to be with some other guy, over you? No.

She admitted to kissing a guy from work. Then she spends FIVE hours with him. In my book she is a cheater, plain and simple. Even if she didn't have sex with "Mr. Empathy I. Wonderful", she is breaking her marriage vows, and is blaming you for it.

I hope there are no children in this mess. As it would make it even more difficult.

You need to decide on what you are willing to put up with.

Because if she had a legitimate complaint about what you do,or don't do, she should have come to you first.

Do you think she is staying away from this other guy? No, she moved back home so she can date again.

I really feel for you, and I don't mean to be harsh or blunt, but you need to stop putting pictures in her car, and doing all the things that you are doing, and tell her straight out," if you want ME to be your husband, come home and let's work it out like adults, or I'm having a yard sale in the front yard."

"How much did you pay for all those sweaters? because I'm selling them for 4 for a dollar."

I wish you luck and peace.

Exactly... This woman needs to be shaken up a bit.

Why on earth do you beg for her when she is "catting" around with someone from work? Yes it hurts, Yes there are so many things at risk here... yes you could lose her for good.

But, understand, as long as she has no respect for you, you've already lost her.

Her telling you that she Cheated... and you forgive her so easy... Then you beg her to come back home... She can do anything to you and you just take it.

I'm not being mean, I need to point out in glaring examples of just what is going on.

Being nice at this point is not going to win her back... YOU HAVE BEEN VERY NICE so far and that's not really working is it?

She needs to realize somehow that you aren't always going to be waiting in the wings while she engages in despicable behavior... Then she gets to run home to your comforts... No no...

How long have you two been married and how old are you? How long did you know each other before getting married?

I almost feel like I am reading about a couple of teens who haven't learned how to communicate with each other instead of grown adults in a marriage.

I will agree with keeping communications light until counseling just so that neither of you say something that might make matters worse. Use the time to do some heavy thinking about what you really want in the marriage and what you are willing to compromise and work on.

I hope marriage counseling helps sort out the problems that you are experiencing and to decide where to go from here.

By the way, I kiss my best friend several times a day. I am very thankful that I have his friendship as well as his love.

Proceed with caution. You do want her to know you still care, but you do not want to appear to be clingy. This will only annoy her. I'd wait to speak with her st the counseling session. In as few words as possible tell her that you love her and that you believe your marriage is worth saving, but that you will allow her the space she needs. I am concerned, however, that you feel you must constantly remind her of your prescence, lest she fall into the arms of another man. That doesn't sound like commitment to me. Marriage is hard, and you will have a difficult time of it if she runs away from home anytime she feels conflicted.

Thank you for your replies.

We've been together 8, married for for almost 6 years. We're both 26.

We haven't learned to communicate effectively. I also never learned empathy until recently, so when her grandfather died, I didn't comfort her, because I didn't know what to do. She's scared that the next time something emotional in her life happens that I won't 'be there' to provide her emotional support.

When she came to me with problems, I'd try to 'fix' them logically, instead of emotionally. She also doesn't think she can confide in emotionally. She hides a lot of her feelings from me.

As far as the other guy. She's living an hour away from everything now, with no internet access. So that makes it harder for her to have any contact.

Last week she basically said, "I'm leaving you to be with this guy because he provides what I need", and I talked her into staying and talking that night, now she says she realizes that it is wrong for her to throw that into the mix.

If you both approach the counseling sessions with open minds and a willingness to work on the marriage, there may be chance for your marriage.

It sounds like both of you were not as invested in the marriage as you should have been. It will take a while for both of you to build up trust in each other. Her, that you will be there to give her support in all the ways that she needs and you, that she won't turn to someone else again and will turn to you for that support.

Good luck.

There are books that you can read to help you with your feelings. Don't give up.

However, she has crossed the line, and she should know that. If you let her get away with this, she will have a "be with any man I want card".

Even though she is an hour away, do you think that the other man will stay away?

I would have a little chat with him, as he is pursuing your WIFE.

Do you want to be with a person who runs into the arms of another whenever she is angry, lonely, and tired? No, of course not.

It may turn out that she is just not the one you want to be with. You are still young, be happy, at all costs.

I don't know who the guy is. I briefly snooped around on her IM, and saw horrible text messages from him, and just now logged on to see if he was online. He's a coworker of hers, in another department.

This was her first relationship, she was a very antisocial person, and I have been in over 30 relationships before, so I guess I just knew how to 'sweep girls off her feet', but my experience has led me to know what I want.

I can forgive her for emotional hurt, I'm strong enough to do that, and I don't hold grudges.

Since she was essentially 'out the door' and 'out of my life' seemingly the other day when she told me she was leaving to be with him, and I managed to say something that made her change her mind, I think there's hope.

She doesn't think that people are capable of change, and we've never really had the ability to communicate about problems. She's scared that she will end up pregnant, and that I won't be there for her emotionally.

I had been stupid in the past, I had discouraged her from talking to me about how bad her day was, since she works at a call center and every day at work is a bad day. I also spent way too much time online, and now when she's home, I try to stay off the computer and devote all my attention to her, but also trying to give her space when she was at home.

She also thinks that we don't bond about the topics of discussion, that there's not much commonality. I have a lot of geeky hobbies, so I talk about a lot of stuff that's over her head and she feels bad about that. I don't mind if she doesn't truly care about what I talk about, just as long as she listens.

Well,

I wanted to call her, and talk about light stuff, she said she thinks she wants to go to school to be a nurse, so I thought that was a good conversation to talk about.

Stupidly I started the conversation saying that I think the point of a separation is to find out if she misses me, and that me smothering her might hurt that, so that she should call me if she wants to talk.

Conversation quickly devolved into she doesn't want me to psychoanalyze her and try to push her to fix things over the phone, which I didn't try to do. I told her I had gotten out the 'do not contact' part of the conversation and wanted to move to more light talking, she said she was busy and was going to Costco with her parents.

I asked her if she misses me, she says 'miss' is the wrong work, that she aches.

So I guess I'm going to give this 'no contact' thing a try until our counselor on Wednesday. She just seemed so angry and distant on the phone, it wasn't productive, whereas normally our in-person talks are seemingly productive, except that I could never get her to commit to 'trying'.

I just want to see if I have this right.

Your wife has issues with feeling like she can't tell you how she feels about things. She is afraid that you won't be there for her. You just told this woman who already feels like you shut her out emotionally that you are starting No Contact. You are making her contact you and hope that you pick up the phone.

This is after, instead of keeping to a light conversation, you start the conversation by talking about the separation which is not a light topic.

I am really hoping that counseling goes well for you.

I think that you have some work to do on yourself, and that counselling will be good for you. I think that you've probably lived your life thinking about you and not bothering about how others feel. It's all been too difficult hasn't it?

Why can't you empathize with the death of a loved one? Your wife is right to be wary of your capacity to deal with life's issues and your capacity to hear what she is asking of you. There is a watershed moment in all of our lives, when we realize that the life we're living isn't quite right and that we have contributed to that situation. This is yours.

Your wife has been telling you for some time that you lack empathy and you haven't listened. I suspect you don't know how to.

I would use marriage counselling as an opportunity to discover yourself and why you're afraid of feelings and connecting with other human beings.

I don't know if your marriage will survive this.

Thank you for your feedback.

She IM'd me an hour ago and said she was sorry for yelling at me. I called her up and we had a light conversation. She was talking about mexican food, and her career hopes.

I guess I shouldn't do the 'no contact', but should be more attentive to 'taking a hint' when she wants to get off the phone. She always has to 'go to costco' or 'watch her dad show her the chili recipe'.

Up until last week she didn't tell me what it was that was missing. She basically said it would be cheating if I didn't figure it out. I have been practicing empathy at every opportunity for the last week since she told me.

I guess my path here is to work on the light conversation, and then hopefully it will go into light dating.

What does this mean? That she ISN'T cheating?

You need work. You know that, and are trying to do so. I think that this time away might do you two some good. As long as the other guy is out of the picture.

I have a question for you. How do your in-laws feel about you? Are they pulling for you? Or are they content with the current arrangement?

Do they know about they other guy?

I hate to keep bring him up, but she did say that she was leaving you to be with him. Then she blamed you, and your faults ( lack of empathy... ).

Leaving you, until you do some personal changing is one thing. But using YOUR faults to be with another man is just plain wrong.

You practice empathy, as long as she practices monogamy.

I truly hope things work out for you. You sound like a nice guy.

She said it wouldn't be fair if she told me what she wanted. It was utter crap, and she wouldn't tell me what she wanted for the first 3 weeks that she was off and on leaving. She wouldn't tell me why she was leaving me. Maybe she didn't want to have a reason, I don't know.

My in-laws still love me. Her mom thinks that the other guy should be out of the picture, but this is their only child, so they also don't want to be pushy, and want to be supportive, so I don't think they offer real advice on what she should do, just emotional support.

I've called her mom twice while she is there to get some advice, etc, and her mom just has a lot of 'i don't know' answers.

I'm going to stick with no contact, at least for today. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I'm just going to assume that she's gone, and is trying to avoid hurting my feelings as much. My female friend who's also going through divorce says that women can't just drop other men out of guilt, they have to play the entire thing through, so she figures that my wife won't stop seeing this other guy regardless of what she says.