I desperately need help and advice about what to do about my situation.
I have been with my husband for six years and we have been married for three years. Does anyone have any advice about how I can get my husband to help me with everything. I am tired of doing everything. I do all the domestic homemaker things in our house and I take care of our two younger kids. He works full-time and helps pay for our bills but I work full-time too and go to school full-time. I need him to help me. I've told him plenty of times that I need him to help me with our home and children. But he just doesn't seem to get it. Does anyone have any advice for me? Other then "sit him down and seriously talk with him" because I've tried that and it doesn't work.

It depends how desperate you are? Enough to threaten a separation? Serioisly - He would still have to pay child support - not much would change since you do everything anyway. Just a thought - things you need to think through.

OR, I would highly advise consouling. He needs to go to consouling. That is total BS that he doesn't help with the house and kids. I don't know him, but he sounds like a selfish bastard - I am wondering if you knew this going into the marriage?

You could use both of those - "I am tired of doing everything around the house, you WILL NOT help me, we need to go to marriage counseling NOW because you wont help or listen to me, if not we will have to make other drastic measures" - "I can't take this anymore - I love you, but, right now THIS IS NOT WORKING!" "I care about you, but I have house work, work, school, kids - you have work" "What don't you get here?"

Obviously he takes you for granted right now. This guy has no clue what a marriage is.

Some men think that just because they work they don't have to help - that your supposed to take care of him and the kids - nope - not in today's dUAL INCOME MARRIAGES.

It ALSO sounds like you run circles AROUND THIS GUY - WOULD YOU BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM?

Just some thoughts here - but this guy needs a swift kick in the rear!

It's difficult because I would never consider divorcing him. I love him unconditionally and we share a deep psychological bond. He's always there for me and our children whenever we need him "emotionally" and I value that so much. It's like I value that bond so much that I'm willing to overlook having to do the cleaning, laundry and watching of our kids. Your probably thinking I'm crazy right? Sometimes I think I am. I just keep thinking one of these day's I'll get though to him. I have thought about counseling but with our schedule's mainly mine it's difficult just to get sleep let alone counseling. He is a good person and has many good qualities and traits. That's why I fell in love with him, married him and had children with him. I just wish I could get though to him that just simply picking up after himself would help me out a lot.

When seeking help, it is essential to assess the history of the person; does he know how to clean up after himself; I ask because my ex, did not know how; it was done for him, from his mother to a professional cleaning service; he did not have a clue how to accomplish simple tasks; I understood it more as my circle began to include men of similar backgrounds, they did not know how, it was never expected of them; therefore, they did not. I knew that nagging would not achieve my desired results; I introduced the art of housekeeping in a very sensual manner, we played adult games centered around housework; role-playing, I did not want him to be overwhelmed so I incorporated both of our interests. To keep it going, I would assign him chores to complete while I cleaned; he did not feel intimidated, when I asked him to clean the bathroom while I cleaned the stove and mopped the floor. He admitted that he did not have a problem helping me clean, as long as, we did it together... after awhile, he valued the art of housework.

My husband will not clean, unless, I am present. He will keep up the dishes without my presence simply because he desires my undivided attention.

Prayer, if you are a praying woman, will do wonders without fail. Simply make you petition known, leave it alone, expect to see a miracle and you shall.

Don't you think it's somewhat selfish of you to ask him to do some of your work? He's not only working full-time but making it possible for you to survive. I doubt if you would help him at his place of employment. I think you should really think about this.

HANK :)

Hank - either you are a complete jerk, OR CAN NOT READ.

This lady works full time, goes to school, does ALL the house work and watches their kids. What don't you get? They husband works - that's it.

Jago - How about writing him a letter? Tel him first how much you care for him, love him etc.

Then tell him you need help. Tell what you expect. Partners.

Shenda,

Now that you mention it, my husbands mother did everything for him since birth to when we meet and then I just took on the role of doing everything. Actually, she's still trying to do everything like call and make his doctor appointments. When I took over and started to do everything I justified it in my mind because at that point in time he was working full-time and going to school full-time. I wanted him to only have to worry about his education so he could have a career not just a job. I was thinking that maybe if I created a "list" of chores and walked him though exactly how to do them (because he never learned growing up) he would be open to helping. Thank you so much for advice.

Wildcat,

Thanks for listening, giving me advice about counseling and standing up for me against "Hank". I appreciat it a lot.

Jago

Hi,
For a marriage to be successful and happy, there is one main ingredient; a 50-50 relationship in all things.
Your marriage relationship is about 90-10, with you doing the 90% of it; that will not work!
You are a housewife, take care of the children, work a full time job, and are trying to go to college, etc, at the same time. He works a full time job.
Look at the above sentence, and you will see that you are carrying at least 90% of this marriage!
A good example of "how not to be a husband like this" is the re-runs of the TV show; "Everybody loves Raymond"; he plays golf, and works full time; that's all.
His wife doesn't work a full time job, but she still needs her husband's help sometime with the children!
You need a break!!
You need someone (a better husband) to help you; someone who will lighten the load on you, and accept his responsibilities better.
Have you considered a legal separation? Since you have talked with him about it, and it did no good, how about talking him into some Marriage Counseling with a professional?
Your marriage is in serious trouble, and if you are going to be happy in life, it will NOT be with this "redneck" of an Ego brain, who thinks he can work a full time job, and leave all other responsibilities up to you!
Best of luck,
fredg

Hey Jago - no problem. Anytime.

I think you have it figured out. He expects you to take care of him - just like mommy.

I can't believe he doesn't understand this.

Let me just add something here very quick. I think shenda hit it on the head with he may not know how. I was kind of in the same boat. My mother did everything for my brother and I and my sister did pretty much everything for herself. Unfortunately, the past generation lends itself to this kind of thinking of the women doing all the housework. I never really knew or didn't want to know this was wrong. I was not irresponsible in my actions, just naïve. When I met my wife she had an idea this is how it was in my family so right away she nipped it in the bud and told me flat out I was going to learn how to cook and do laundry and clean. I knew how to do this, but never had the confidence because I was never shown. My wife stays home with the kids so we do have an understanding that she will do most of the cooking and stuff but I lend a hand wherever I can. When she is tired I either offer to get something out (as a treat) or cook something for us. Granite it is a simple meal but she appreciates it. I help her clean and do the laundry when I can.

Ok, this isn't quick but I think it is important. I would suggest when you show your husband to cook or clean or whatever, be very, very patient with him. It has to almost be like you are showing one of your children but don't talk like you are talking to one of them if you know what I mean. If he doesn't do the cleaning exactly how YOU like it, oh well, at least he is trying.

Wildcat and Shenda gave excellent advice (sorry Hank, do not agree with you) but I felt I needed to add to this since it seemed to hit home with me. It can work, he just needs to be willing to do this. Any more questions feel free to ask.

Hey Jago - some great advice here. This will take time.

BUT, the big problem is he has to change... and the bottom line is - he wants to change. That's why I advise the letter if he won't listen.

Good luck - let us know what happens.

If your'e serious then stop talking, arguing, pleading, pouting, and slaving. Get on the phone and get some professional help. There are housecleaning companies out there. Call one. You both work, you go to school and raise the kids. Get a housekeeper and tell him if he doesn't like it... pick up a mop, broom, or roll up his sleeves and help. Stand your ground. Some men don't listen or have these antiquated ideas that housework is woman's work... Whatever his issue don't let it become your issue... get some help and let him be mad if he needs to he'll get over it. I have observed that men somehow have a no nonsense approach to meeting their needs, I think that we women need to adopt some of that attitude. Trust me if the shoe were on the other foot, he would find a way of meeting his need and would not waste a lot of time arguing/talking/obsessing over it.
Stop trying to be superwoman and don't let him make you feel you should be.

Im wondering why you asked the question in the 1st place, because you answered yourself in your 2nd post and the rest.
Is it a problem for you or isn't it? You are teeter tottering. You can't complain about what you've allowed to go on. You put his needs 1st, above your own and above your children's. And continue to do so.
If it is change you want, good luck! This man has come into this world being waited on hand and foot. And the fact that his mother is still trying to make appts for him is ridiculous if you ask me. (And if you are so overburdened then let her make his dr appts, you have your hands full already, on one hand) On the other, Is he a grown man or still a child that needs a helping hand? He has his own children to make appts for and wait on. He has had his time of being young and helpless, his turn is over and it is time to grow up!
Im surprised you have taken on so much yourself, with 3 children in the house(3rd being your husband) Did you marry to please him and make him happy and wait on his every demamd? Negating your own needs and wishes?
Or did you wake up out of the fog somewhere along the way to realize, I am a real person and I have things in life I wanted too. And then back into the fog(denial)again. You come up for air on occasion and his life sucks you back in. His words his wording, he knows how to make you and his mother feel guilty. Notice I said his life.
But, sometimes I need his ,his help and sometimes he needs to make appts for me. What happens in the household when you get really sick?
Do you ever get a day off? Aren't you worthy of time off and help once in awhile? Who crowned this man and told him he was king? God. And did God tell him to negate you in such a way, to make you feel less worthy? Did he talk to you and tell you that your husband is more worthy than you or your children?
It appears to me you are just starting to wake up and smell the coffee already! You are allowed to ask for what you need? You are allowed to do anything you want! You are just starting to realize the unfairness of an unequal relationship. You are on your knees for him, literally. Is he willling to do the same for you? Why hasn't he? Why doesn't he see you are overburdened? Because you do not value you. You must allow him to see that you value you. He has watched you numerous times, drop (literally)whatever you are doing to meet his needs. Hes got 2 women running the show for him. All he has to do is show up,period. And you 2 women take care of everything, what a life he leads.
And the doing everything is sort of a control issue for you and his mother. You can control what goes on (to a certain extent) if you are in charge all the time! Exhausting isn't it! Being in charge alllllll of the time.
Sooooooooo you both are controlling and enabling the situation to go on. That is why in the beginning I said good luck because there are a lot of ideals that have been allowed to go on for some years and all 3 of you would have to(and be willing to) change. Peace ranieri ;)

Ranieri,

I asked the question because I feel frusteration. I understand that I enabled his helplessness by doing everything. I'm not creating an excuse but like I said I justified it in my mind at the time because he was working 40 hours and going to school well over 40 hours. I wanted him to only have to focus on school. By the time he graduated he was acustomed to me doing everything. So if I don't do it doesn't get done. If I don't clean or do laundry it doesn't get done. I've tired the wait it out and nagging game. I guess you could say I lost. Now that I think about it I have never seen my father in law cook outside of "grilling", clean or do laundry ever. We are over at their house every weekend too. I always see my mother in law cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. Anyway, I was hoping that someone out their has felt the same way and was able to overcome it. I understand what my options are do it and not complain or not do it and leave him. I was hoping for a happy medium. Thanks everyone for the advice I sincerely appreciate it a great deal.

Jago

Just how much of the "domestic homemaker things" do you do? Frankly, if you work full-time and go to school full-time, how the heck do you have any time to do any "domestic homemaker" things? Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't have the right to work and go to school, but family comes first. I think both you and your husband need to come to that realization. What you should do is sit down and come up with a matrix listing all the days of the week, Sunday through Saturday, and all of the chores that need to be done each of those days. Probably not everything has to be done every day ; set proirities and build this around you and your husband's work and school schedules. Then, along with your husband, decide who's going to do what and when. Incidentally, how old are your kids? If they are old enough, then they should help out too and be given jobs appropriate to their ages. Once this matrix is in place, stick to it like glue. If any work or school schedules have to give, so be it. As long as you keep school and work in mind when you first come up with it, this shouldn't be a problem. For example, if your boss asks you to work overtime on Saturday but that's the day you've set aside to do the laundry and clean the downstairs, then you politely refuse and explain that it's simply not possible for you to work that day. Same for your husband ; if his boss wants him to work overtime on Saturday but that's the day set aside for him to mow the lawn, then he likewise refuses, whether you "need the money" or not. If "needing the money" is or becomes a consistent excuse for neglecting your family, then maybe your household budget needs an overhaul. Now, if Saturday's a bad example because either your or your husband's employer is typically very busy that day and requires your services consistently, then keep that in mind when putting together this matrix and don't plan any major projects for Saturdays ; save those for another day when you or your husband can realistically be off from work/school. Now, if your husband refuses to collaborate with you in the creation of this matrix, then pull rank and put it together yourself. When it's done, stick to your part of it but don't touch anything that's been delegated to your husband. Back to the lawn-mowing example ; if you decide that he should mow the lawn on Saturday but he refuses to do it, let it go. Eventually your yard will look like a jungle and I know it'll be tiring living in a jungle but your husband will eventually get the message and come to the realization that the lawn isn't going to mow itself. He too will tire of living in a jungle and will come around and mow the lawn. Now maybe he'll decide that he'd rather hire someone to mow the lawn and you can allow this provided that it comes out of his wages that he earns on his job and it doesn't jeopardize your other household expenses. If it means giving up the $15 he spends bowling each week, so be it. That can be his decision to make. The idea is to establish a routine and a set of responsibilities for all members of your family and comple everyone, yourself included, to set priorities.

S_cianci,

When you ask me just how much "domestic homemaker things" do I do? Let's put it this way, I do majority of everything that has to do with our home and our kids. When I say majority of everything I mean I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning/organizing, laundry, bills, kids appointments etc. When you say family comes first I'm offended, because my family does first. Why in the world would I be working full-time and going to school full-time if my family didn't come first. It's not like I'm working and going to school both full-time for my health. I'm obviously doing it for my kids. So my kids have a home, food to eat, clothes to wear etc. So my kids will not stuggle trying to get an education beyond high school. Most non-college educated job do not pay enough to realistically survive. With the cost of living constantly increasing and wages not it will be near impossible to further your education without help. I want to be able to help my kids. As far as for my schulede I go to school in the mornings until 230PM and work until 10AM come home clean, organize, do laundry and take care of bills. If my kids have a doctor's appointment then I have to rework my schuled to take them. I shop and cook on the weekends. I drop my kids off at a private day care at 630AM and pick them up after I get off school and before I go to work. Right around 3PM I pick them up and drop them home and I have a neighbor friend watch them until my husband gets home. So I guess my husband does help because he watching our kids after he gets off work and he has to feed them dinner and put them to bed. Our kids are 3 and 4 BTW. I guess I don't do everything but I do majority of the things. I'm frusterated because every night when I come home from work my husband will be watching TV or on the PC and our home is a disaster. I hope I clarified my situation.

Jago

I think old S_cianci trying gto defend the husband here. The husband is dead wrong here. He needs to help. Problem is his mother did everything for him, now he expects his wife to do everything.

I do advise the counseling and writing him a letter.

It also seems like his mother interferes as well.

C'mon Wildcat, you're not seriously suggesting that everything's the husband's fault here and the wife is totally blameless, are you? Whenever there's conflict between two people, whether married or whatever, very rarely is one totally innocent and the other totally guilty. To say that the husband is "dead wrong" is a misleading oversimplification. You've suggested counseling and that may be a good idea but brace yourself ; no professional counselor is going to tell Jago that her husband is "dead wrong" and that she is "dead right." Perhaps you're biased in favor of the wife because you've only heard her side of the issue. Now maybe the husband deserves more than 50% of the blame here but it's hard to say without hearing his side of things. It was never my intention to defend the husband or blame the wife but rather to present Jago with a possible solution to her problem, or, at the very least, some advice that could maybe improve her situation if not toally solve all of her problems. If you read my post thoroughly you'll see that the onus is placed both on the husband and the wife as it appears that this couple, husband and wife alike, has some problems in the area of domestic management. In this case, since the wife is the one who apparently diagnosed the problem, it's up to her to take the initiative to begin incorporating steps to solve it. If the husband doesn't help in this process, then she just has to proceed without him. That may be unfair but unfortunately that's life. Pardon the overused cliché but the reason it's so overused is because it's so true.

Yes. In this case the husband is wrong. He does NOTHING around the house. She said she has tried to talk with him - he doesn't listen - ANOTHER PROBLEM. She comes home and he is watching TV or on the computer.

You sounded extremely pro-male in your post - like it's not the mans responsibility. In today's dual income family the man has to help out - period, end of story.