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    Abhi0303's Avatar
    Abhi0303 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 9, 2016, 04:50 AM
    Boring Lazy Husband
    I have been married for last one year. During that time I found that my husband is least interested in me. No doubt he cares for me but he is very lazy in terms of having fun. He likes to watch television most of the time whenever he is at home. He makes love very often can say once in a week. My age is 26 years and he is 34. Ours is an arranged marriage that is why I haven't got time to know him. For him priority is his parents and all his house chores must be done on time. I am a working women and my husband too is a professional. I manage both house and office along with taking care of his family. Still he is very least romantic.

    Please guide me how to generate love from his side if not then what can be my next step for my happiness.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,047, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Apr 9, 2016, 05:16 AM
    I think you learn to communicate with each other, and learn more about each other. Don't expect him to be a mind reader, but do try to gently approach him about what YOU like and expect, and what makes YOU happy. A gentle reminder that you are trying to make him happy is in order. You must also understand that he will NOT make any changes in a small space of time, and may not even know how to be as you want him to be.

    The path to happiness is best traveled by being grateful for the good you already have and working to make it better, rather than being frustrated by not having what you want. Happiness is a never ending, ongoing process, not an event, and while we must listen and learn, we must also speak and teach, as we share and care.

    I think if you both can handle your responsibilities and obligations to each other, diligently, and build on communicating with each other, in time you can be very happy with sharing this journey together. Yes there will be challenges and many storms along the way, but the willingness to get through them is what love and happiness is all about. There are no instant results jut keep working and building a solid foundation through being able to COMMUNICATE.

    Been married 40 years and still happily PROGRESSING. It's never been perfect though, as happiness is never a perfect thing, because many things in life changed us, but we talk and make ADJUSTMENTS as we need too.

    Talk to your boring lazy husband and make sure you are not nagging and needy. I doubt he has flaws and YOU don't, nor that his are any worse than yours.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Apr 9, 2016, 07:58 AM
    It sounds like you live with his parents?
    An arranged marriage is often like this, isn't it, from other women you know? Have you talked to other women? Were your mother and his mother in arranged marriages? He may just be falling into the behavior he sees them doing. And the part about doing all his chores on time sounds like he is a very traditional son - he is expected to be this way, and you are expected to make his parents your priority too. In some countries, the wife has to go live with the husband's parents for many months without him!
    Not being the most romantic woman myself, I can only guess about ways acting romantic yourself (you must NOT demand romance)! A flower behind one ear, a quick kiss from behind the couch when he's watching TV, laugh at his jokes, ask him how his day went at work, and of course a favorite dish. You already have too much to do, and I'll bet you do more than he does, around the house, and what about children?
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #4

    Apr 9, 2016, 09:22 AM
    Therein lies the problems with arranged marriages.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #5

    Apr 9, 2016, 02:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ma0641 View Post
    Therein lies the problems with arranged marriages.
    Yes but because of their religion that will never change. And the biggest problem is sharia law and I hope I don't have to explain that.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,047, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Apr 9, 2016, 03:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by tickle View Post
    Yes but because of their religion that will never change. And the biggest problem is sharia law and I hope I don't have to explain that.
    You don't know their religion, or even if their religion even follows sharia law, or if they are even Muslims. Why assume or lump them into a category just because they have an arranged marriage?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,828, Reputation: 5427
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    #7

    Apr 9, 2016, 03:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You don't know their religion, or even if their religion even follows sharia law, or if they are even Muslims. Why assume or lump them into a category just because they have an arranged marriage?
    Too true. My Indian coworkers who were in arranged marriages were Hindu.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Apr 9, 2016, 03:59 PM
    He works, you work, he takes care of his parents, you take care of his parents, he does all the chores in the house and it seems for his parents as well.

    He's 34, so sex is not the most important thing to him anymore. At 34 he's likely had sex for many years and it's no longer that big a deal. Once a week is okay. If you want more, talk to him about it, that's what married people do, they talk to each other.

    He seems to have a very full plate, work, family, chores, and a new wife. Try to help him with all his duties, and above all, talk to him about how you feel. That's a very good way to get to know him, and for him to get to know you.

    I have to add, from what you posted, your title makes no sense. He may be boring to you, but he's definitely not lazy.

    Good luck. :)

    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    You don't know their religion, or even if their religion even follows sharia law, or if they are even Muslims. Why assume or lump them into a category just because they have an arranged marriage?
    I have to spread the rep, but bravo! Well said, and so very accurate. When you assume you make an a$$ out of u and me.
    Abhi0303's Avatar
    Abhi0303 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 12, 2016, 12:46 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    i think you learn to communicate with each other, and learn more about each other. Don't expect him to be a mind reader, but do try to gently approach him about what you like and expect, and what makes you happy. A gentle reminder that you are trying to make him happy is in order. You must also understand that he will not make any changes in a small space of time, and may not even know how to be as you want him to be.

    The path to happiness is best traveled by being grateful for the good you already have and working to make it better, rather than being frustrated by not having what you want. Happiness is a never ending, ongoing process, not an event, and while we must listen and learn, we must also speak and teach, as we share and care.

    I think if you both can handle your responsibilities and obligations to each other, diligently, and build on communicating with each other, in time you can be very happy with sharing this journey together. Yes there will be challenges and many storms along the way, but the willingness to get through them is what love and happiness is all about. There are no instant results jut keep working and building a solid foundation through being able to communicate.

    Been married 40 years and still happily progressing. It's never been perfect though, as happiness is never a perfect thing, because many things in life changed us, but we talk and make adjustments as we need too.

    Talk to your boring lazy husband and make sure you are not nagging and needy. I doubt he has flaws and you don't, nor that his are any worse than yours.

    Thanks for your feedback dear. I will definitely try to talk to him and do as much adjustment as i can do from my end. Because i don't want to waste my entire life as i wasted my one year.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    He works, you work, he takes care of his parents, you take care of his parents, he does all the chores in the house and it seems for his parents as well.

    He's 34, so sex is not the most important thing to him anymore. At 34 he's likely had sex for many years and it's no longer that big a deal. Once a week is okay. If you want more, talk to him about it, that's what married people do, they talk to each other.

    He seems to have a very full plate, work, family, chores, and a new wife. Try to help him with all his duties, and above all, talk to him about how you feel. That's a very good way to get to know him, and for him to get to know you.

    I have to add, from what you posted, your title makes no sense. He may be boring to you, but he's definitely not lazy.

    Good luck. :)



    I have to spread the rep, but bravo! Well said, and so very accurate. When you assume you make an a$$ out of u and me.
    Thanks for your reply alty, but if he is satisfied he doesn't want sex as he is 34, but what about me i am still 26 and my body has certain needs that has to be fulfilled else i will get mentally frustrated. How to convince him for sex, he doesn't freely talks to me on this topic. Whenever i try to converse regarding his likes, dislikes & preferences he immediately changes the topic. That''s y i stopped discussing with him on this.
    Abhi0303's Avatar
    Abhi0303 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Apr 12, 2016, 12:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    it sounds like you live with his parents?
    An arranged marriage is often like this, isn't it, from other women you know? Have you talked to other women? Were your mother and his mother in arranged marriages? He may just be falling into the behavior he sees them doing. And the part about doing all his chores on time sounds like he is a very traditional son - he is expected to be this way, and you are expected to make his parents your priority too. In some countries, the wife has to go live with the husband's parents for many months without him!
    Not being the most romantic woman myself, i can only guess about ways acting romantic yourself (you must not demand romance)! A flower behind one ear, a quick kiss from behind the couch when he's watching tv, laugh at his jokes, ask him how his day went at work, and of course a favorite dish. You already have too much to do, and i'll bet you do more than he does, around the house, and what about children?

    Yes joypuly I stay with his parents and we don't have children. If I try to do little romance with him like kissing, hugging, getting decked up for him, preparing his favourite meal, etc he never appreciates it. He talks to me rudely, so I stopped doing. I feel insulted every time.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #11

    Apr 12, 2016, 02:01 AM
    I do know a couple in India who are in an arranged marriage and are happy. They did talk quite a bit beforehand to see how compatible they were. It's all strange to me and many who answer on this site, as is the devotion to parents after marriage, putting them before the spouse.

    What choices do you have? You can't force him to be romantic or want more sex. Sex for most women (I think) is 3 part - romantic words and gestures, general cuddling and comfort and secure feelings, and actual intercourse or some way to have an orgasm. It seems to be a world wide complaint that men aren't very interested in the first 2. In my part of the world (the US), couples either break up or negotiate an agreement, maybe through counseling. They might work out actual trades - you snuggle with me 3 times a week and I don't nag and complain 5 days a week.

    Anyway, what can you do, aside from leaving him? Not much. Masturbate alone for orgasms, and somehow occupy your spare time with girlfriends doing fun things for a sense of contact and caring.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #12

    Apr 12, 2016, 02:28 AM
    In some aspects sex 1 time a week is OK, for some couples it is very little, for others more.

    The issue is the society and of course arranged marriage, in many societies, the men are not expected to do any housework, some may, but most do not, that is considered a women's duty, as it is the man's duty to provide the household income and other material things. If this is his belief and this societies belief, then there is little chance of change.

    Most arranged marriages and I see 100's here in China, love has little to do with a relationship and not even considered important.
    Each person has duties, responsibilities and honor that must be done. Beyond that you are happy in your work and duties. If after some years together, love is found and happens, then it is great. But over 1/2 of my co-workers who are in arranged marriages don't even mention love as part of their marriage.
    Precious7's Avatar
    Precious7 Posts: 333, Reputation: 61
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    #13

    Apr 12, 2016, 03:06 PM
    Hey There,

    In Indian culture (as your name suggest), Its quite normal to have 'Arranged' Marriage, some times differences in ages too, that also sometimes plays a role in likes and preferences on individual level. As above people has mentioned, Talking to Your Hubby or communicate is the key, but not in nagging tone. Instead, in a tone where you show him that you want to get to know him more and you want him to know you more because you care for the relationship. I understand, in that CULTURE, in-laws comes FIRST. Why don't you guys take a break alone and take a vacation, and spend time together with each other. Even if its just a different city, or may be a transfer from your work or his? ( just an Idea ;) ) ( If you guys never get to go for Honeymoon, I assume). Spending time with each other is very important. May be you guys can go out to Temple alone (in-laws would have no problem in that for sure ;) ). Him ignoring all those likes and dislikes conversation? Don't give up, instead of asking through talking, just do that thing and see if he likes it or not. Usually when Guy is living with his mom and dad, he doesn't Feel comfortable being open such as talking about relationship or sex etc. (specially in Indian culture), In fact, son listens to parents more out of respect. If you guys somehow get to go out of that setting (for small duration :/ ) may be you can talk to him freely and He may look beyond his work and parents, and feel little open about it. In that culture, it is always seen as a Duty of a wife taking care of child, his parents, him, whole house, (even relatives sometimes), which is you are suppose to do, so that goes unnoticed and unappreciated sometimes. But hey, you can start appreciating him, he may learn it from your example and see/learn it as a normal thing to do in a relationship, which will make him feel comfortable or make him understand certain structure of relationship too. If he likes watching movie, go to movie with him, and I know parents will also may accompany you but it would be good if you guys go alone sometimes. May be you can take him to movie as a surprise. I know, there are couples who go to places ALONE, not telling there parents just bcos they don't want to create any problem in family, just bcos they both wanted to be alone, ( that sounds crazy I know :P) One more Tip, make friendship with good COUPLE friends ( couples who are free, open and expressive in their love and care in marriage) so that you both can hangout with them, get some ideas and also learn from them. I hope it helps. :)

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