OK the story...
My husband and I have been together totalling 16 years/ 11 married. We have 3 children. My husband has always been wildly successful. When he chose to start a business we decided to take the dive and start it together 5 years ago. We worked together very well but our homelife was always about work and became tiring for both of us. When we had our third daughter, two years ago, I decided to train another employee and I eventually moved on to another company, as a 'fun' job. Being a startup business, it took a while to get going but now has gone from 2 employees to 22 within the past 3 years but because it is still a small company, every person has an integral part in the business and works closely with my husband. Last year my husband could finally afford to hire 'experience' from a common industry. He chose to hire a very polished and professional woman, a girlfriend of one of his friends/customers. I really like her and she now is engaged to her boyfriend. However I have started to get a nagging feeling that there maybe something more to my husband's interest in her. I would currently classify it as a crush moving to emotional.

The reasons for my suspicions are numerous:
About 9 months ago he bought a bunch of new stylish clothes. Not totally unlike him since he has always been into clothes and shopping. But I noticed it was a drastic difference to what his focus had been in his most recent behavior.

Then the real story starts...
Two moths ago we had a very rare blow out of a fight. He is concerned that I am exhausted from my current PT/turned into FT job that pays nothing. I have no energy and he basically wants me to quit. I originally got the job because we needed the extra money but now we do not yet I feel that I have worked so hard to network and develop my position I don't want to quit. I made a stink at work and scaled back (not very successfully yet but still working on it). During the fight I kept digging further about what was really bothering him and he came up with a slew of things that were never an issue before. i.e. what I wear, what I don't do, and what I should do to spend more time on myself like go tanning, workout everyday, etc... Come on! I am a competitive triathlete but recently I have not been focused on training. So OK, I could work out more. I love being attractive and believe I still am but, like a lot of women with three young kids, I have worked my butt off for the past 8 years to support his endeavors and our family. So my focus has changed! This fight and his nit picking has really bothered me since because I started questioning why he is addressing all of these things NOW. This fight along with recent conversations he and I have had - i.e. how he needs more employees like her, why can't this person or that person in his company be more like her etc... I can recognize that she is talented and a real asset to his company, but I can't shake the feeling that like his employees, I am constantly being compared to someone else - resulting in me to being insecure in our relationship.

So the story continues...
Recently my husband has started traveling more. Of course this chick needs to go with him to present to these companies. I understand why because she is sophisticated, presents well and the company needs to appear larger than it is. But the thing that is bothering me is that the last two trips he has told me basically on the way out to the airport that she is going. Then the last trip they took a week ago they went out site seeing in DC... at night. He doesn't seem bothered by it and even brought it up to his Mom. I don't think that anything happened but I feel that he is spending way more time doing alone things with her than I would like. And I feel very threatened by this.

So the nagging feeling hasn't subsided and the story continues...
I started not being able to sleep a couple of weeks ago thinking about this situation. I cannot shake this thought of a friendship developing between them that I am uncomfortable with. I go to sleep around 11pm and jolt awake around 1am and start thinking about it. During this night time excursion, I started checking his phone for text messages and emails from her. I have NEVER been inclined to do this in 16 years! Queerly enough, there aren't that many. But what I did find are messages from her on weekends, at night, and during a family vacation two weeks ago. All with pictures of the family and comments about how things are going and what he or she is up to... essentially mostly not about work.

So I continue to check his messages:
We go on vacation for my birthday. He pulls out this gift he is all excited about. It really is a gorgeous Kate Spade purse with matching wallet and makeup bag with Chanel makeup for my purse. OK I give him major props for doing great but immediately think there is no way he would have done the makeup on his own. Then he says he took her shopping with him to pick it out! I feel like a selfish 'you know what' but this bothers me and it's not ringing right in my gut. Ever since then he erases her text messages. I noticed this yesterday because when he got home and was saying good night to our daughters there were two txt messages from her about a bid they were working on that day. Very friendly and cutely sarcastic. The next day when I woke up for my early morning run, I checked his phone, for some reason... still totally not like me, and they were deleted back to the point his text messages were before.

I have to admit that I have been really aloof since we came back from our vacation. I just feel like I am going into defense mode. I am not happy were we are right now and I don't want to confront him unless I feel like it's not just me being crazy. This could be damaging for our relationship and the company if I don't have grounds for my suspicion. I am too embarrassed to talk with my friends about this and I need some outside advise.

So am I a jealous nut or do I have a legitimate reason to be concerned?:confused:

I'm an upfront person. Discuss these concerns with him without confrontation. He will either say yes or no. Then you decide whether you believe him and you decide what to do next.

I would only be concerned about their relationship if he lied about it. If he says they went sightseeing (or whatever else is going on), I'd be less concerned.

As far as the "fun" job - maybe you have to give a little to get a little.

If all else fails, hire a licensed private investigator and have him followed. Then you will probably know the truth - but be prepared for whatever the truth may be!

Stop with the snooping. You need to speak with your husband, not spy on him.

Spying will just make you feel worse because your mind will create what is NOT there and fill in the gaps. From what you describe, not much is going on (yet). But he knows you're snooping, so he's probably feeling defensive.

Also, get back in the company working with him. Give up the 'fun' job. That's what he wants. If he is relying on you and working with you she will be less of a threat.

Stop making stuff up in your head about this - you will do yourself in. Take him out for dinner, go away for the weekend and talk to him about your fears and concerns. Don't accuse, don't threaten. Tell him how insecure you're feeling. He's your husband, start treating him like one.

What kind of 'expert' advice is this help desk? Yes I confronted my husband and yes he did admit to inappropriate behavior. Flirting, suggestive txt messages, etc... so what did you help with? Nothing. I think the response to my post should have been to investigate my woman's intuition and confront the situation in a calm manner without attacking him. The fact he was deleting only her texts was an indication that there was validity to him hiding something. Oh... and by the way! He didn't know I was snooping.

My job has not been the problem and I knew it. Our fight over my job was a mask to what the true issues really were. Which is why I was prying for more information. Don't you think I can recognize after 16 years that something is amiss? I have supported and made sacrifices for so many years for him and my family. My 'fun' job is the first thing that I have done for myself in 8 years. As fellow women I would think that it would be celebrated!

My husband is wonderful and I do treat him like a husband. I think that my respect for him and my trust in him is reflected in the fact that I did not want to confront him with an issue that wasn't a valid concern.

Since you have the answers already why are you asking us?

You have "confronted" him once. Do you think he may have figured out from that you are/will be snooping?

You have concerns. You already know that you need to address them by communicating with him. It doesn't matter if they are "unfounded" or not. You are concerned. Discuss setting boundaries that you both can live with and stay inside.

Your job may not be "the problem", but the advice stands that if you are that worried about the other woman take back your position in the company. Part of it does sound like you are jealous of the amount of time she gets to spend with him. The time that used to be yours.

Can you arrange to go on one of these business trips with him?

You have children, a house, and a job that take up a lot of time. Do you make time for just being together?

Think about this: He thought enough of you to get a woman who seems to share your taste in purses and make-up to help him get a special gift. You seem to see only her influence in it instead of the love that your husband put into doing his best to find something you would love.

I don't know why you posted this question if you already had all the answers. Did you even read my answer before you attacked me.

Woman's intuition or not - I do surveillances as part of my job. I hear exactly what you've posted a couple of times a year, year 'round.

And, no, I don't "celebrate" a fellow woman who posted that her "fun" job is causing problems in her marriage - whether this is a smokescreen or not. It sure didn't sound like a smokescreen in your original post.

He's wonderful (despite his sneaking around and inappropriate behavior), you respect and trust him and don't want to confront him - but you invade his privacy and post on a public board? My husband passed away at a relatively early age - I never looked at his cell phone, computer, never opened his wallet. That's respect and trust.

I'm not sure you know what you want or what you are asking.

Back to the op
I have to say I was blown away by this reply to your post.

I also feel like up to this point you were getting some pretty sound advise,however didn't like the "well if you know all the answers,why come here"

You said you got the 2nd job to earn extra money that was needed at that time,so I'm confused about the loyalty you now show to this job.
AFTER you were given advise about quitting this job you then jumped to defense calling it the ONLY thing you have done for yourself in years.It is very likely that this job is the core to the conflict,it was started of necessity and he wants you back.

.

There is no way in he** you can trash someone for snooping and then say this.

What a double standard.

So you'r saying snooping is o.k. if you hire me to do it.

Not to step on Judy's toes, but please reread her posts. Judy is a widow.

Sorry, Judy, but you shouldn't have to deal with this one.

I realize this is in revenge for the reddie. I do surveillances for a living. I have no vested interest. It's a job.

I don't snoop. I investigate for money. I'm licensed.

That's the difference.

You can call it anthing you want. Next time you're in an accident or are arrested don't have it investigated if that's how you feel.

And I find your language unnecessary - obviously that is the only way you can express yourself.

There may be something to the relationship. But you really haven't found any evidence besides the not-so-inappropriate texts.

People travel together for business, that's just a part of it. My brother traveled with his absolutely beautiful assistant, and I believe him when he tells me nothing ever happened between them. He's married too, and that's just unacceptable.


You say you "really like this woman", but are you threatened by her looks? Her skills? Her life?

She has a fiancé? How is their relationship? Have them over for dinner and see how the two in question act around each other. Casually ask the guy if he feels somewhat jealous about the two of them spending so much time together, especially on the road. He might have some information he's hiding.

I know you're proud of your job, but if leaving it saves your marriage, and more importantly, your sanity, then why not?

In the 16 years you've been together, has he ever given you any reason to feel this way?

He wants you to come back to the company, that's HUGE in my eyes. If he was carrying on with her, I think he would want to keep you as far away as possible.

Lastly, this is not an exact science. You came here for answers and input. Just because you didn't get the answer that you wanted, don't get angry, or disappointed. If you wanted re-enforcement for your suspicions, you need to go elsewhere. These are honest opinions and responses. It's not as if people here are taking sides, these are just answers based on your post.

We don't know the whole story like you do.

Maybe your husband is cheating, time will tell.

But what if he's not?

You've already compromised your principles by going through his things. Where does it stop?

Having to live an investigative lifestyle is never healthy, and usually backfires.

I wish you luck and peace.

I hope you don't mind I want to share a story
Bear with me it does serve the thread

True story
My friend was curious that his wife had slept with his best friend while he was away working for the state<the pen> when he got back he invited this friend to the bar for a beer,when the friend showed up just as he walked through the door my friend grabbed a pool cue and walked towards him when the guy turned and ran he knew he had been betrayed,he wasn't holding the cue like a baseball bat he just picked it up and walked to him it was this guys guilt and cowardness that gave him up...

So that goes with what J.J. said invite her over if something is going on you will find out soon enough.

Makes more sense to me than playing phone games or hiring a P.I.

OK ladies. Enough!

I will update you on what has been going on and this analyzing can be over. Please realize that my husband and I have been together a total of 16 years. Quite a long time. We have always had an intimate relationship where we are very intune to each other and our feelings. So the fact of my intuitive feelings of something amiss was a huge deal for me.

The job thing - to address this issue once and for all - and bury it. I took this job because we needed the extra little cash and also it was a position I salivated over for 4 years. I am an event programmer for a running store and this year alone have directed or co-directed more than 45 races. The reason for my faithfulness to this job is because the races I am involved with ALL have a non-profit we raise monies for and I don't want to drop the ball. My plan now is to run the course of the event season and then cut the job loose. My husband had recently admitted that we need to get through my Thanksgiving run and then we can be done with it. This may explain my passion for staying with the job. I have worked with these committees, they rely on my expertise and we have wonderful ideas for the upcoming racing years. This is why it is hard to walk away from because I really enjoy the work.

I actually work with a ton of men... and the running world has a ton of attractive men! I know that travel and work communication can be done without crossing that line. Believe me it has nothing to do with night or day. Sometimes it's 3am or 11pm the night before a race. But this is way different than going out at night in DC at 9pm to sightsee. This relationship with my husband has been different than any other he has worked with before. Their interest and demeanor toward each other is noticeable. Yes I do like her and share a lot in common with her. She has the benefit of not being much younger than me but not having the wonderful yet draining responsibilities of a famly life. So basically she has the freedom to be sexier, more attractive and flirtier. I AM jealous of this freedom she has I can fully admit this to anyone because it is something I have lost.

The initial reason for my post was I needed to vent and get my feelings out there basically organizing my thoughts. I have been in a world of hurt and confused. To help, I drafted a lengthy letter detailing all of my concerns that I have recently shared with my husband. I am so happy that I DID look at his txt messages because it gave me the valididty I needed to present facts with my feelings to him. To clarify, I was not snooping through all of his belongings or putting a microphone in his car or listening in on cell phone messages. I simply scrolled through his txt messages to see if there was anything. The fact he deleted ONLY her messages was the only thing I needed. Like I mentioned before, we did confront this issue and it has been really messy. Yes he has been having sexual feelings toward her, he craves her attention and looks forward to being alone with her. From what he has told me, and what I can tell, they had not been intimate. This has broken my heart! I almost believe that if he had just a one night stand it would have not been as bad as this. To seek out emotional support from another woman feels so betraying.

We have discussed the reasoning to his feelings and why he needed this extra attention. He stated that I have not been initiating affection or making him feel like he is attractive or wanted. I realize this is a huge problem that we need to address. - This may be another thread but to summarize, my husband is training for his 6th Ironman. This is crazy hours a week of training. He has a goal of qualifying for Hawaii this year. I admire and understand this desire because I am an Ironman myself. He has taken great efforts to do a large chunk of his workouts in the AM before work to not effect the family. I have found myself gradually becoming resentful of his time spent training and working so late and am hurt at the attention it takes away from our family. I know my husband is really fit and attractive but I have a problem getting past my feeling toward his commitments and everything being about his goals and desires. Also he stated that it bothers him that I have gained weight. I was training for a marathon last year and develped a stress fracture in my hip. I have struggled to rehab and get back in shape. I have feelings that I am inadequate for him now and this probably resulting in my lack of emotional connection with him.

I have said my sorry's and that I will work on it. I also requested we seek out help because I don't think we can work this out very quickly.

Any suggestions on where to go from here?

A woman's intuition rarely serves her wrong.That has always been my experience.
A cheater is disrespecting you,it is your choice if you will allow it.

Go to counseling like you've already mentioned. If the tables were turned, and it was my wife that had an attraction to a guy she works with, I would have him removed from the equation. I know she's valuable to his company, but she can be replaced.

I wish you luck with your marriage, and your health.

I'm recovering from hip surgery myself. They drilled a 10 mm hole through the socket as to allow blood flow. I've got 18 months of PT and recovery.

There's always someone who's worse off than us, and we should make the appropriate changes in our lives.

The last thing you want to do, now that he has come clean, is to allow these feelings to carry on, and for him to see her everyday.

I need to make some comments here

What you thought the response should be is immaterial. You posted a question and got reasonable responses from people who VOLUNTEER their time and expertise to assist. You may not agree with the advice given and it's your right to ignore such advice. But attacking people who tried to help was totally inappropriate.

Solutions to a situation like you describe are a matter of opinion. There is no cut and dried answer. So no one can say advice in this situation is right or wrong. One can opine that the advice is good or bad according to their own opinion.


Sorry, but no matter how your rationalize it, that's snooping. Would you have liked it is he went through your texts?

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To deal with some of the other posts in this thread (a few of which I have removed), I will repeat, this situation calls for OPINIONS and everyone is entitled to their opinion. Attacking someone personally because you disagree with their opinion is against the rules of this site. You may disagree with the opinion and state the reasons you do. But making your disagreement personal will result in action from the Mods.

You may find this interesting as I did,

If you study the word intimate sex is really a small part of it

I say that because it may help you understand the level of betrayal

Your husband has been intimate with her,he just hasn't had sex with her.

Where to go from here you have a plan,counseling etc. sounds good

I think at this point he has to get rid of her,sucks for her and the company

In the mean time "keep you'r friends close,you'r enemies CLOSER"

I am sorry but I can't fully agree with the "fire her" mindset.

That gets into contract and employment laws. If the only reason she is being fired is because her boss has the hots for her, then that opens up a different thread of problems.

She isn't a co-worker. She is an employee.

I have to agree with this statement especially since the company deals with this nature of business.. Firing her for this reason could conclude in a violation of fair labor law and a possible law suit. Without prior documentation and warning there is not a magic button to just eliminate her from this equation.

I sincerely appreciate all of your comments. I hope we can work this out because losing my husband would be losing my dearest friend as well.

There is no need to lose your husband, but appreciate his honesty in his confession, when confronted, and see what his actions are going down the road. Sure it hurts to know what has gone on so far, and I would be hurt also, but recognize you both have to deal with your own issues individually, and together.

No way do changes occur overnight, and healing will take some time, and efforts by you both, and that I think is the key, can you support and help each other rebuild thru this glitch in the relationship.

If I were him, then reassuring you and your hurt feelings, would be a top priority, changing the way that he, and the co worker related, and end the inappropriate texts, and dropping the excuses for attention, that's just plain childish, and immature.

He also has to open himself to you, and in turn you must be approachable.

Transparency in a marriage is crucial, so there can be no secrets, or reasons to assume, anything is hidden and every thing is above board. You can give your partner space to be themselves, without it having to be a secret.

This is but an issue to be dealt with, and an obstacle to be overcome, if your both willing, just define the boundaries (rules) of good behavior that work for you both, and make the necessary adjustments, to stay on the right side of the line.

Be understanding, and patient enough to know that this is a process, and a long term one at that, and takes a willingness to work together, and keep working at it. (I know, easier said than done. I hear that ALL the time.).

Trust me your hardly the first couple to have these things happen, and will not be the last, (sadly) but how you handle it, both of you, is what will move you beyond this, or have you stuck in misery. Work to the goal, and don't trip over the bumps in the road.

Honest communications are what healthy, mature couples use to work together, to get over, and beyond any problems life throws at you.

Talk to each other, (not at) and make a plan that works for you both.