Hello,

I've been married for 20 years, daughters ages 20 and 18. Up until 3 years ago, I had my own business but moved so my husband could have more opportunities. I was perfectly fine with the move. It's weird how it happened, but I now work full time for my husband as his assistant. I was forced to give up my company and volunteer work, as I "needed to focus 100% on the family and his job had the better chances of success." My children always understood my volunteer work as it had mostly to do with them; PTA, etc. I have felt for 3 years as if I no longer have anything left of me. I'm afraid to leave a man that is no longer even a resemblance of the person I married, as I will be the one left without an income.

I've not been perfect, I've told lies about finances to keep him happy as it's easier to hide things than to give him the details, you see either way I lose. His temper is on the verge of evil, pounding his fist and throwing things for the smallest of offenses like a broken glass. I'm afraid of my own husband and I'm a coward.

I'm open to any and all advice. Do I need some perspective or a kick in the pants to move out and forward and take my chances?

You are not the selfish person in this case.

You post confused me, first you state that you were perfectly fine with the move and then later you say you were forced to give it up business. When you love someone you make compromises and sometimes even sacrifices. However, some sacrifices I feel shouldn't have to make. And as husband I wouldn't even ask my wife to make. There things and activities that define a person and if you give that up you lose an important part of you. I'm sure that if you could hope in the time machine and go back in time you would make some changes. That is not possible so focus on now.

Do you love you husband? Do you want to stay in this marriage?

Now, you been with your husband for 20 years this is a lot of time vested in this relationship. Normally, I would suggest to that your husband get angry management and for you two to seek marriage counseling. Deep down in that beast of a man is a man that you fell in love with.

But sounds like your husband has very bad temper and even suggesting this would enrage him. This temper is actually a force of abuse. He doesn't have to actually hit you. He could punch a wall and yell and scream this is still abuse just a different form. Domestic Violence, Battered Women, Charitable Donations - Support Network for Battered Women

You still have time to reclaim your live. You can divorce and your will lawyers will reach a fair agreement and get a portion of your marriage assets. Take your share move back to where you move, and get an apartment. Reopen you business or start a new open. I believe you are strong person you did it once and you can do it again.

Please write back…

You must have a sincere talk with your man and tell him exactly what and how you feel and that it comes down to 'life is more than just money and bills'
This is coming from a guy who is almost losing his wife of 7 years partly due to my anger and condescending attitude against her and treating her somewhat like a child (I thought I was helping :(
Anyway sit down and chat - cry if you must - but you need to make sure he doesn't get angry at you - there is more to life than that. Anger mgmt may help I don't know. I am controlling my own temper by reminding myself that I would be devastated to lose my wife and family over money/finances/bills etc etc and have decided to look the other way if possible if she spends too much money or charges things I just have no clue about. I just sit back and say... okay how best can I help pay this and make her and us happy.
Compromise must be used by both of you... he needs to understand why/what you are spending on and you must use self control when spending.
Divorce should not be brought up. I made that mistake taking the upper hand and suggesting it a while back due to other issues we were having but clearly it was never never something I would want or bring up again unless there was adultery involved.
Life is way to short to be mean to anyone in your own home.
Home is where the heart is.