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    Port Colborne's Avatar
    Port Colborne Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 16, 2017, 08:32 AM
    After thirty years of marriage I found out my husband cheated while we were engaged
    I found out my husband of thirty years was sleeping with someone for many weeks while we were engaged. Things are finally making sense now. When he gave me my ring he told me "we aren't going to tell people we are engaged". During the months following I got pregnant. He gave me no choice but to have an abortion. I never understood how he couldn't agree to get married. I've lived with the guilt of that for years. Now I wonder if he was sleeping with her while this happened. I feel like a fool. Like I was deceived. The only info he gave me was that he stopped after realizing she was willing to sleep with anyone. He wouldn't give me a name. No specifics, claiming he couldn't remember her name. Yet he admitted to seeing her in a drugstore about fifteen years ago. So clearly she left an impression. I am so angry. I can't stand this... I told him I wouldn't ever bring it up. I gagged myself! And when I make any reference to that sort of thing he totally ignores it. I want to scream at him! My sister says he was young and stupid. Everyone tells me to get over it, it was a lifetime ago.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Jan 16, 2017, 09:22 AM
    Please clarify how you 'found out.' Or does 'finally making sense now' explain that.
    Also - did you have children after the abortion?


    As for agreeing with 'everyone,' I agree with them. If you can't get over it, get therapy. This is no longer about him, but all about you. You are finding an old grievance to latch onto because it's easier than identifying what's bothering you here and now. And you did have a choice about having an abortion, about hanging on to him, about marrying him... can't you say that you were young and stupid too? It takes two to tango, two to tangle...
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,286, Reputation: 5645
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    #3

    Jan 16, 2017, 09:31 AM
    Him sleeping with someone was over 30 years ago. How long ago did you find out?

    You have every right to feel angry and betrayed if you found out recently, but if he has not given you any reason to doubt him since then, then yes, you need to get over it.

    Realize that he didn't make you get the abortion. That was a conscious decision you made. He may have convinced you that having a child at that time wasn't a good idea, but he didn't hold you down.

    If if you haven't already, you may want to consider counseling.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Jan 16, 2017, 11:07 AM
    Had you not found out about this thing that happened 30 YEARS ago, how would you describe your marriage? When and how did you find out? These are very important facts to consider.

    Obviously I think you should have some help getting through and over this, as it's a HUGE challenge that few could deal with alone. Would really like a bigger picture though if you would care to share.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #5

    Jan 16, 2017, 12:18 PM
    Seriously... you are upset about something over 30 years ago? BEFORE you actually got married?

    Hell that long he might not even remember their name after that long ( I know I can't remember everyone's first AND last name I was involved with that far back)... now if he's been sleeping with them for the last 30 years TOO... then you have an issue you should be upset about. As it is you are looking for an excuse to blame him for.

    Personally to me the 30 years SINCE the marriage is what matters....not what may or may not have happened before it.

    And bumping into someone in the drugstore....seriously? Get over it...I've bumped into people I've known 5,000 miles away in a different country, TWICE, I've literally bumped into people I went to high school with 250 miles from where I grew up in the checkout line of a grocery store where they WERE the people right in front of me in a store with over 10 checkout lines years after graduating.....what are the odds of THAT happening?

    In the same town or City....I would be surprised if you NEVER did.

    I've bumped into people I've dated with my wife , she didn't freak out, We've bumped into people that had romantic interests with her before we met each other, I didn't freak out.
    Port Colborne's Avatar
    Port Colborne Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jan 16, 2017, 01:15 PM
    Dear Smoothly... not such a smooth opinion. Clearly you are incapable of feeling empathy on any level. And without you knowing any of the deeper underpinnings of my life or 33 year marriage I don't think you'd be able to muster any up. This had nothing to do with "dating" I was engaged to be wed. Had shared myself with only one person, because I loved them and believed in them and us. We had an unplanned pregnancy and I thought the natural thing would have been marriage and a family. I put my needs aside to keep him happy. I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone because he was embarrassed. I had a surgical procedure wide awake, without sedation so that I could go home and not have to tell my mother. I walked that road of shame all alone. I hope you never have to make a difficult decision that causes you to feel guilt like I did all those years ago. Guilt is a feeling that generally results from believing we have done something shameful or bad, with intent. I wasn't looking for judgement, merely the opine of others. Many were very kind and honest without casting rocks. I don't suspect you provide therapeutic intervention for a living since your response lacked anything of the sort. So please be a "dear" and don't reply any further. To those of you who did respond with empathy. I really appreciate that.
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #7

    Jan 16, 2017, 02:28 PM
    I can feel sorry for the position you are in today, but empathy for 33+ years ago, not sure. From the context of your posting, you apparently have been having this as a burden for a while.
    " He admitted to seeing her in a drugstore about fifteen years ago". AND??? If I still lived in the same small town I grew up in, I could probably say the same.


    "He gave me no choice but to have an abortion." Sorry, you made a choice for the abortion, you were obviously OK having sex with him.


    "Everyone tells me to get over it, it was a lifetime ago". Why even dredge this up after 30+ years. You vented. Now what are you going to do? Perhaps counseling would help.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #8

    Jan 16, 2017, 02:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Port Colborne View Post
    Dear Smoothly... not such a smooth opinion. Clearly you are incapable of feeling empathy on any level. And without you knowing any of the deeper underpinnings of my life or 33 year marriage I don't think you'd be able to muster any up. This had nothing to do with "dating" I was engaged to be wed. Had shared myself with only one person, because I loved them and believed in them and us. We had an unplanned pregnancy and I thought the natural thing would have been marriage and a family. I put my needs aside to keep him happy. I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone because he was embarrassed. I had a surgical procedure wide awake, without sedation so that I could go home and not have to tell my mother. I walked that road of shame all alone. I hope you never have to make a difficult decision that causes you to feel guilt like I did all those years ago. Guilt is a feeling that generally results from believing we have done something shameful or bad, with intent. I wasn't looking for judgement, merely the opine of others. Many were very kind and honest without casting rocks. I don't suspect you provide therapeutic intervention for a living since your response lacked anything of the sort. So please be a "dear" and don't reply any further. To those of you who did respond with empathy. I really appreciate that.
    Well you came to the Internet and you put it out for the world... I told you exactly how it looks to everyone else... But from this answer (almost a rant) I can see you are probibly a very difficult person to live with. If you can't learn to let this go... particularly things that far in the past... that becomes a mental health issue. If this was even 5 years ago... I might have empathy... this was over thirty. And that's not that many more years than I have been married, so I am qualified to make those statements. How many other issues do you simply refuse to let go, do you treat every thing like a life or death situation? Seriously, lighten up... Worry about the big things (this is NOT a bif thing) and the ltittle things will fix themselves.

    Trust me.. I've dealt with far worse things than you and I've learned to let them go. Recent events... you have reason to dwell over, 30 plus years? Well past time to put them to bed.

    Want life altering event... be AT a site or a terrorist event and have to step over and around 140+ dead and burned bodies some of them friends you knew for years and had dinner with the night before, some nights 25+ years later you wake up in a sweat reliving that event. Survive another major terrorist attack by luck of a gut feeling where everyone else you were working with for the previous 8 hours die,. Empathy I have lots of. But only when empathy is really called for. Its not due after 30 years.

    And sorry, been here for 11 years.. I'm going to respond when I feel like, to whom I feel like... particularly when I get a answer like this.. If it was so aweful with him... you should have left him 30 years ago... but you stuck it out so it could not have been all that bad... so that part is on you. If you want to leave him... at least have the courage to do it because YOU want to... don't try and blame it on him for something that happened before you got married. Married 30 years you should not be as thin skinned as you are. I'm not being harsh... I'm being honest, direct and telling you like it is. This is a reality check... nothing more.

    Life is what you make of it....spend it dwelling on every negative thing you can find..and you aren't going to be happy, Learn to let things go and look at the good things and you will be happy. (assuming no mental health issues).

    As far as guilt....I learned years ago. You make decisions as best you can at the time....sometimes good, sometimes bad....NOBODY can go back in time to change the past.....so you focus on tomorrow and not make the same mistakes you made in the past. If you don't learn from your own mistakes it's your problem....most people do...you can't change the past...but how you approach life NOW and down the road WILL change your future. These are words to live by.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Jan 16, 2017, 05:10 PM
    I can only imagine how I'd feel if I were in your shoes. I know I'd be upset, I know I'd be angry, but I believe (and I don't know this for a fact because I'm not in your shoes) that I would be able to move on. It was before you were married. Yes, it was while you were engaged, and that does not bode well for him, but he was young, and stupid, and unless he's continued to cheat on you while you've been married, obviously this was a one time thing, and it's over,and has been over for over 30 years.

    As for the abortion. I know that if had ever had to make that decision I'd feel extreme guilt. But then, I know that, so I never would have done it to begin with, no matter how much pressure the father of the child was putting on me. I think that your pushing your guilt for having the abortion, onto him. That's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you either.

    I really would consider counseling. Both marriage counseling for the two of you, and counseling just for you so you can learn to deal with and accept the abortion you had. I think it's long past time for you to stop feeling guilty about something that happened so long ago, and you have to stop blaming him for it as well.

    It's not easy to give advice on things like this because we only have limited information. We don't know what your entire marriage has been like, we don't know when you found out about his affair, we don't know if you went on to have a happy marriage, had kids, etc. That's why therapy is a good thing. They take the time to learn all about you, listen, and really get to the bottom of every issue before they offer advice. On the internet you get a two second session from people that mostly aren't qualified to offer therapeutic advice. I really really would consider counseling. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean that you have mental issues, it means that you need to talk to someone, someone that will listen, and is trained to offer advice that can help you get through this difficult time.

    I wish you all the best and hope you find some peace with all of this.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #10

    Jan 17, 2017, 08:22 AM
    I don't know how old you are but if I knew it would probably change my response. Why are you agonizing about this now, or have you before this ? If you had an abortion it was your own choice. No one forced that on you. Having a child in your life changes you forever. Too bad. I suggest you drop this for your own good and everyone else's. What is the purpose of re-visiting past mistakes except to make you and everyone else miserable.

    Just so you know, you don't get to dictate who responds. You posted so it is an open discussion.

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