Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Kyle3235's Avatar
    Kyle3235 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
    		  
    #1

    Jul 24, 2009, 11:22 AM
    What do you think of my poem?
    All help will be appreciated
    Thank you

    The Temptation

    The waves murmur to me, enticing me towards the glittering sand. Water encircles my feet with a gust of wind lashing through my hair. Wind encloses my body, recognizing I'm there.

    The clouds eclipse out the sun, turning red with rage.
    The heavens no longer blue, an evident omen of peril.

    The rain bombarding against my skin, as cold as ice.
    Water oozing through my bones.

    The universe calling to me, hauling me out.
    The heavens begin to close, sorrow floods through me.
    The waves grew bigger, crashed over my head.
    With one last final breath; my sorrow erased, unmistakably dead.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
    		  
    #2

    Jul 24, 2009, 11:28 AM

    Nice poem, but you keep changing/complicating the tense (grammatically s/b "The universe calls to me, hauls me out. The heavens begin to close, sorrow floods through me").
Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions
 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

What do you think of my poem? [ 4 Answers ]

Hey guys! Could you tell me what you think about my poem. Feel free to criticize. Do you think I'm poetry material? Can I write good enough to get my poems published? Lol Anyway read my poem "Fantasies Never Last" and tell me what you think and go to my quizilla profile and read my poems and tell...

My new poem. [ 2 Answers ]

When you were small. It used to be so easy, When you were very small. The way I used to care for you, I thought I knew it all. But as the years went passing by, And you began to grow, I realize now, As time goes by,

My poem. [ 5 Answers ]

I am looking to finish this. I need one more line for the second stanza and a third stanza. I am looking for the second stanza to start with "We" and the third stanza to start with "You" but I will take any suggestions. Pleae help. When I think of you, I wonder how you’re doing When I hear...

Who is the author of a poem and what is the complete poem? [ 1 Answers ]

I remember part of a poem but cannot remember the author. The parts I somewhat remember are this: I have often wondered at the epitaph that was written for me, A boat with furled sail at rest in a harbor. In truth it pictures not my destination but my life. For love was offered me but I shrank...

Consider my D Day poem? [ 2 Answers ]

D-Day Twelve miles they crossed on the ocean that day Ill unto death with the boat's sickly sway. All this they forgot when they opened the door And jumped from the boat toward the menacing shore. Dragged down by their gear some drowned then and there. They gasped their last breath and...

View more questions Search