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    MJ6216's Avatar
    MJ6216 Posts: 115, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member

    Nov 20, 2006, 07:09 AM
    Now This Is Funny... the Chili Cook Off... haha
    If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
    > for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
    > slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
    > the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
    > Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
    > about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
    > a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
    > inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
    > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    > happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
    > directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    > assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    > wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
    > free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
    > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
    > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
    > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    > flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeņo tang.
    > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    > seriously.
    > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    > I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    > wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    > when they saw the look on my face.
    > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
    > Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
    > my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced
    > from all of the beer.
    > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    > or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
    > unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
    > beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
    > woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
    > eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    > adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    > admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    > I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    > needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
    > her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    > bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    > I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
    > asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
    > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian vari ety chili. Good balance of
    > spices and peppers.
    > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggress! I've use of peppers, onions, and
    > garlic. Superb.
    > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    > gaseous, sulfuric flames. I on myself when I farted and I'm
    > worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
    > behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
    > wipe my with a snow cone.
    > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    > chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    > worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
    > is cursing uncontrollably.
    > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
    > sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    > chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
    > to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
    > killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
    > I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
    > through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    > bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    > nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    > reacted to really hot chili?
    > Judge # 3 - No Report
    colbtech's Avatar
    colbtech Posts: 748, Reputation: 66
    Senior Member

    Nov 20, 2006, 08:03 AM
    An old one, but dam good. Nice to know many share my sense of humour.
    MJ6216's Avatar
    MJ6216 Posts: 115, Reputation: 7
    Junior Member

    Nov 20, 2006, 08:07 AM
    Haha!! I Have A Couple That Are Pretty Funny!!

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