Recent Quips from Late Night

"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman

"Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno

"Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart

"We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno

"Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman

"The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno





Behind Schedule

The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."


For The Kids...

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

Why do vampires do well at school?
Because every time they are asked a question they come up with a biting reply!

How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?
Terri-fried!

What do you call a skeleton who acts in Westerns?
Skint Eastwood!

talaniman,

It's always a pleasure reading your jokes.
Have a wonderful day

Thanks