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    Fatheema's Avatar
    Fatheema Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 6, 2017, 10:34 PM
    Marriage
    Assalamu alikum wa rahmathullahi wa barakaathuhu.

    I am from India living in Malaysia. I am under big stress please help me out with Islamic advice.

    I was a good muslim and obedient child and still is and before few years I fell in love with a person in India... I told my father first because he was more close to me. He met the person I love and was OK with him. Dad said he will try to convice my mom but as soon as he told mom she rejected him. Soon after that my dad become under mom's control and stopped supporting me too.

    I asked them for the reason why they are rejecting him and they replied because he is not from our hometown. It became a tradition that our hometown people marry their sons and daughters off within our place only. There are few these days who started to marry off to outsiders but my mom is not satisfied with it.

    Then later they took my phone, didn't let me contact him or friends or anyone for almost 6 months. I stayed in malaysia and with parents and was very good to them during those months praying and askig dua that they will accept him. In the meantime he came to malaysia with his uncle and plead my parents but they scolded him. They tried to convice me but unfortunately I could not think of any other man in the state of husband other than him.


    After 6 months they thought I changed and so planned to engage me to a guy in our hometown and took me to India. As soon as I reached India ,I somehow took courage and contacted him. Then he came with his family to my house in hometown to convice mom. Finally mom said to his parents she will accept this marriage and asked them to leave our hometown.

    As days passed by mom shouted to me " we will never allow u to marry a person outside our hometown "and she said she lied to his parents so that they would leave the house. Luckily I had a phone which his mom gave to me when they visited me. I contacted him and told everything.. my mom also contacted his family and said she will never accept the marriage and she tried to take me to Malaysia with her and keep me away from him and friends.

    I was afraid to get back. Afraid of those 6 months of suffering. Afraid I would be blackmailed to marry someone else. I had no support from any of my relatives because all said I should obey my mother. I couldn't do anything else. I thought it will be safer side to register marriage and we did register in our country.

    After registering marriage I called mom. I felt bad after doing it because I hurted her . But then she accepted us and asked me to come with her to Malaysia. She promised myself and his parents for marriage strongly because we already did register. She gave his family a dinner party and talked with them nicely and I was very happy that mom accepted us finally. My parents promised to keep marriage in December 2016 and so I came back to malaysia with them in June.

    After few months dad said he will not give gold or anything and will not spend money for my nikkah because he doesn't have money. His family accepted it. Then again mom asked my relatives to convince me through phone. Then mom said only dad will come to nikkah because he have to sign but mom or any of my relatives will not come to marriage! And mom confessed that she again lied to his parents and kept feast for them so that I will come to malaysia.

    And now dad said after marriage I should not contact them or any of my relatives for any good or bad reason because I didn't obey them. His parents are making arrangements for our nikkah and everything but dad is saying he will only come to sign and none others will come. They are saying Allah will not forgive me, my future will not be good, my prayers /good deeds will not be accepted because I didn't listen to parents.
    Please advice.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #2

    Jan 7, 2017, 07:24 AM
    Ok, it sounds like they are accepting it, (although not happy) what is the question or issue ?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Jan 7, 2017, 07:33 AM
    You have the marriage that you wanted so be grateful, and happy with that for now, and MAYBE your parents, and relatives will mellow in the future.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Jan 7, 2017, 05:29 PM
    YOU have to decide what is going to make you happy over the next 50+ years. Allah isn't going to be angry, and your future will be what you make it to be. Thousands of young people go through this every day - love, or family duty. You may be homesick for your own family and town and friends, even if accepted by your husband's family. THINK about it, and talk about it with your fiance in great detail. Ask him what he thinks about tradition, about where he wants to live, about children and careers, and what he wants for you as well as himself.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #5

    Jan 7, 2017, 08:13 PM
    You got what you wanted, and you knew your parents wouldn't be happy. It sounds like they tried, pretended, and lied, but in the end they're not happy with your choice. But it's what you want, so you have to make sacrifices for what you want.

    No, you didn't listen to your parents, and in the Islamic religion I understand that's a big no no. In other religions, other countries, it's not a big deal. So what do you think? You were raised in this religion, you know the rules, you went against the rules. So, are you okay with getting the husband you want, but never being forgiven by your parents?

    I think you'll miss your parents, and one day you may resent your husband, which isn't fair because you made the choice to go against your parents wishes. I don't think Allah will care, but I think you will.

    Your future. Well, your future is what you make it. That's all on you, and no one else.

    Good luck.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #6

    Jan 8, 2017, 08:17 AM
    Because this is a question of Faith, I think you should ask your Imam this question. While disobeying your parents is generally an unforgivable act, when it comes to marriage there seems to be a different belief.

    From what I have read (please talk to your Imam for better advice), it is not considered disobeying to refuse your parents' choice of spouse. If your choice has a strong religious commitment and is loyal to Allah and the only reason they are against him is where he is from, maybe they need to think more about what Allah finds pleasing and less about their own desires.

    https://islamqa.info/en/22760

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