[troubled923]

At some point is a birth father afforded a right to privacy when the birth mother denied him the knowledge that she was expecting, left town, delivered the child and put the child up for adoption. 20 plus years later a call come hello dad - complete me. I don't deny the fling - but I have a hard time considering myself the father. I have lead a respectible life - this has crushed my wife and I am troubled that I was thought so little of long ago and now I am "important" to a stranger.

My world has been taken from me because of an irresponsible act years ago that I was not even allowed to make right. Now I have to destroy the lives of others.

I think I should have had some rights years ago and should have been afforded the opportunity to participate in the decisions and had basic knowledge to share with my life partner so she would know what she was marrying into and we could have made informed life decisions. I also think that once the birth mother acted on her own - that is the way things should stay.

Troubled and breaking the hearts of those I love

[talaniman]

At the time you didn't know, but as the shock and surprise wear off understand the product of your long ago fling produced a child who wants to know where she came from. Maybe its unfair, but I think you at least hear your daughter side of it and know what she wants.

Its not her fault. Have you been tested to make sure she even has he right guy? Take baby steps and do the right because you don't have to destroy any one to get through this.

[troubled923]

If you ask for a test is it not like a denial - I don't deny it is possible, maybe even probable - it was not much of a relationship - I did not know the birth mother's activities - drank too much on new years eve when I was a kid and jumped in the rack with someone I barely knew. Not something I am proud of. I don't want to insult this girl further and regardless of what the tests say I cannot embrace her as my child - an indiscriminate roll in the hay does not make one a father

My point is shouldn't this have been handled through a third part so I could retain my animity, provide health related information and move on (I did provide health information by the way).

Believe me I know she is a person. And she was give a life to live. I wish her well I hope her parents were good to her. I might have been a good father to her - but I was not given the opportunity to do so. I had no say in that and I have been made to look irresponsible by her birthmother's actions to deny me information and subsequent action to reveal me to this girl without being decent enough to inform me of the existence of this child first. And then the childcontacts me directly and even sent searches out for my wife. Thank God I had spoken to my wife first.

I do not want a relationship with this person - she has come on the scene way too late in my life

And how do I make things right with my wife -- my marriage has been severely rocked and my wife did not deserve this

And ultimately how is my respectability maintained

This is a very bad situation -- I don't see how it gets fixed

[talaniman]

Own it as there is no shame or guilt on your part, and there is no fixing to do. Just endure until it solves itself. What plans does she have and why has she looked you up?

You want to maintain your respectibility? Then handle your business respectfully. Find out what she expects.

Is there a step father or is she looking for an active father in you? Get off your own self pity and respectibility and understand what she has been through wondering who her dad was. Back then he was a young brash drunk youth who through no fault of his own except wanting a drunken lay, and went about his business not knowing what he left behind.

Being respectable means owning responsibility for your actions, now that you do know. Get the test and go from there. Just in case baby mama lied.

[troubled923]

I am pretty sure my wife would not agree with you - there is fixing to do on our end. Not what she signed on for. My wife says her reality has been shattered and it cannot be restored - she is not interested in having an illigitimate step daughter. Think I should tell her to get over her self-pity.

The child wants a relationship. She has adoptive parents "who she loves" and a family of her own, but feels "incomplete." What does that mean? How can knowing your birth parents were completely irresponsible sex crazed kids complete you?

I'll go down fighting for my wife and I will not lose her for this child's self-gratification.

I see that a test would be needed to go forward, there is a chance that the trauma has been caused by a false acquisition and my old life could return.

If I have that test and I am the father does that leave the idea that a relationship will be coming? I don't see going forward as a real possibility. Even if I were not married I really do not feel like that child's father - the man who raised her earned that position. Maybe it is better just to ask for no more communication and hope the intrusion fades away on my end as my wife and I work on finding a new normal.

I don't know that I am pitying myself. But I do feel in between a rock and a hard place.

My wife cried for days and has not been the same since I told her of this child. She was never irresponsible, always careful to do the right thing, she is ashamed by this circumstance and I have told her over and over it is no reflection on her - but she insists that it is and feels the burden of carrying what she needs to be secret. All one really has is their dignity and respectibility according to her and that is gone in her eyes.

Well this has gone far afield.

I think I am angry that I had no say, no protection of privacy and I hurt my wife by doing something long before I met her. And I will feel guilty and ashamed of myself for the rest of my life.

I have no concept of what this child thinks I can give her or how she could be folded into my family - now that I know she exists I would not think of intruding into her parent's life and insisting on being folded into their life. I think the responsible thing occurred - the child was given the gift of life and was taken into a loving home. Had I tried to raise her with her birth mother - a woman I barely knew who clearly had no confidence in me, the child would have been the product of a broken home. I am not sure what I can do now to be responsible to her. Her birth mother made good choices regarding the child - probably the same ones I would have made if given the chance. And I feel my first responsibility is to my wife - and I do not see me telling her to get over it and accept this child.

Maybe what I am writing here I should write to her. Would that be hurtful?

Thanks for your input.

[ScottGem]

First, this person had no right to approach you directly. You had the right to refuse contact forcing her to go to court to prove paternity, which would have been difficult.

Second, I may have missed it, but were you married to your wife at the time of this "fling"? I just found this quote; "I hurt my wife by doing something long before I met her. which indicates you were not married. If you were, I can understand your wife's feelings. If you were not, then this has nothing to do with her and I don't see why she is so upset.

Third, you do not have to be a father to this woman. Your rights were denied, in fact the adoption may have been obtained illegally if you were not given the opportunity to agree to it.
But that is now a moot point. This young women seems to have shown a distinct lack of tact and sensibility by contacting you. I see no problem in your rejecting her. You owe her nothing since your parental rights were severed by the adoption. You can tell her to cease contacting you and even obtain a restraining order.

[Fr_Chuck]

There is no legal right to privacy, there is a moral one, and this is what I warn many people about when they go hunting that mystic lost parent.

If you look here you will see that most child's that don't know their parent goes looking for them, most never find them ( which is best in my opinion)

But we suggest that they contact though a third party.

But can she contact you, yes legally they do TV shows of reunions and often they go poorly.
You could have cursed her , called her told her off. She has no rights to see you or force you to be a father.

As for your wife, sorry if there is trouble, but there must have already been trouble, since this was before you meet her and really has nothing to do with her.

[troubled923]

There is no legal right to privacy, there is a moral one, and this is what I warn many people about when they go hunting that mystic lost parent.

If you look here you will see that most childs that don't know their parent goes looking for them, most never find them ( which is best in my opinion)

But we suggest that they contact though a third party.

But can she contact you, yes legally they do TV shows of reunions and often they go poorly.
You could have cursed her , called her told her off. She has no rights to see you or force you to be a father.

As for your wife, sorry if there is trouble, but there must have already been trouble, since this was before you meet her and really has nothing to do with her.

I was not married at the time of this fling, I did not even know my wife then. We are one though and she would strongly disagree, as do I, that this has nothing to do with her - anything that affects one of us affects all of us. My indiscresion has left us in the position of disappointing my parents and our children or this child. What ever we do we will in the end will hurt others. My wife is not interested in an illigimate step daughter nor "capable of embracing this child and bringing her into our family unit." She also does not want to be the wedge between me and this child, but thinks our family unit comes first. She says she "loves me with her heart and soul and can't imagine life without me", but is conflicted by seemingly "irreconcible differences" between her needs and those of the child. She says she feels she is a hypocrite because she cannot embrace the child and is too full of pride to ever allow our children to think less of their father, my parents to think less of me; she sees her self as "small" for not wanting to endure the ridicule of other family members. And so she is disappointed in herself. My wife needs to deny theexistance of this child and hates herself for having this need and is being consumed by the conflict. I think our marriage is far from troubled, but trouble is now present in the form of this child and the conflicts she brings and the embarrassment she causes.

I never cursed the child, I never told her off. I have been completely respectful - but I have not given her what she wants - a relationship. I am sorry I caused her to be born into what she characterized as a loving family through adoption that some how left her incomplete. And I am troubled by the idea that I will fail her by what seems to be the inevitable - I must reject her, I see no way to bring her into my life without bringing pain to people I know and love, that have been my family for more than forty years (parents). I know it is hurtful to the child to be considered an embarrassment, an inconvenient truth. But I don't think anyone wants to be reminded of past indiscresions especially when they were not allowed to step up and be responsible then and when they have led a responsible life as an adult.

Things could have been different. If I had been told of her existence long ago. I would have had a connection to her and would have been thinking of her on a daily basis hoping the best for her and hoping I had done right by her to the best of my abilities at the time. If I had been able to tell my parents of the situation and what I was doing to make the best future for this child, and if I had been able to tell my wife of this child's existence before we made a commitment to each other there might have been a way to meet the child's needs without hurting others. But because that knowledge was withheld, I have no parental feelings for this person, she is simply not a part of my life. Deep down inside I have know this would be the outcome since the moment she made contact. I will carry guilt and shame. I am sure it is crushing not to be considered family and to have less value than others who are my family.

So ScottGem what are you advising? Forget the paternity test. Bury it deep and move on? I have to say that is what I am inclined to do - I owed my wife honesty our conflicted state comes from personal disappointment in ourselves, pride over-riding virtue, we will work through this - but now I think living a lie will be the best. Hurt one last person - the child - who hopefully will turn to her parents for solice and to her birthmother if she needs to blame someone for this out come

First, this person had no right to approach you directly. You had the right to refuse contact forcing her to go to court to prove paternity, which would have been difficult.

Second, I may have missed it, but were you married to your wife at the time of this "fling"? I just found this quote; "I hurt my wife by doing something long before I met her., whihc indicates you were not married. If you were, I can understand your wife's feelings. If you were not, then this has nothing to do with her and I don't see why she is so upset.

Third, you do not have to be a father to this woman. Your rights were denied, in fact the adoption may have been obtained illegally if you were not given the opportunity to agree to it.
But that is now a moot point. This young women seems to have shown a distinct lack of tact and sensibility by contacting you. I see no problem in your rejecting her. You owe her nothing since your parental rights were severed by the adoption. You can tell her to cease contacting you and even obtain a restraining order.

see next post by Fr_Chuck - my reply is there

[Synnen]

I am a birthmother who has worked with the adoption community for about 20 years.

You owe this child nothing, though obtaining a test to be sure and then giving her her medical background would be very good of you.

You and your wife need to go see a counselor--like as soon as possible. There are counselors that specialize in adoption issues, and though they can be hard to find, usually you can find one if you keep calling and asking at other counselor's offices.

Both of you need help to reconcile your images of yourselves and of each other, and you need help processing this surprise "attack", for lack of a better word.

I always encourage adoptees and birthparents to go through a third party when they search, because contact can and does do exactly what has happened to you--destroyed lives.

You absolutely have the right to tell this person that you have thought about it and feel no connection with her, and that you never even knew she existed. You absolutely can tell her to not contact you further. Aside from legally compelling you to give your medical history through a court, she can't legally compel you to do anything. HER issues are not YOUR problem--and she should receive counseling as well to help her determine why she needs someone else to feel complete in the first place.

Please--see a counselor. It is not a weakness to need help processing all of your emotions when you have been ambushed like this.

[ScottGem]

I misspoke. Of course, this has to do with your wife. She is your partner and anything that affects you affects her. But, I still don't understand why she is so upset. You did not betray her, you were not responsible for being unaware of this child. She does not have to embrace this woman, nor bring her into the family unit, unless you insist on it. Whether you decide to maintain a relationship with her is up to you and, as long as it doesn't affect your family unit, should not be of major concern to her.

I have long been deadset against adoptees imposing on their birth families. In my opinion one's parents are the people that raised you. A biological connection doesn't a parent make. While I believe adoptees are entitled to a medical history, that is all they are entitled to. Adoptees should not be allowed to contact birth parents unless there is mutual agreement.

I believe you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about. I believe the fact that you do makes you a good person, but it is not necessary. You knew nothing of the pregnancy. I believe you that, had you known, you would have done the "right thing". But you didn't know and through no fault of your own. So I think you should stop beating yourself up about that.

I would contact this woman and offer to give her a medical history, but explain to her that is all your are willing to do and she is not to contact you again. Had she done the right thing and contacted you through a third party, giving you a chance to decide what you wanted to do, it might be different. But she set herself up for disappointment by taking the action she took. That's on her, not you.

Legally, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Ethically I don't believe you owe her anything more than a medical history. Morally, well that's up to you. For me, I would not feel any responsibility or remorse for cutting her off.

I do have to mention one kicker in this. You don't say whether you have children. If you do, then I think you do have an obligation to let them know they have a half sister and for them to choose whether they want to maintain some level of contact.

[JudyKayTee]

I can understand that your wife would be upset. I cannot understand that she is this upset, that this "news" rocked your marriage.

Did she think you were a virgin when she married you?

Or does she think you knew the child was a possibility and didn't tell her?

[Emland]

I can respect your desire for privacy and can understand your wish for no contact, but I can't help wondering if you would still reject her if it wasn't for your wife's unhappiness with the situation.

I don't get the shame and guilt part. This isn't a 10 year old that popped up from an indescretion while you were married. She isn't looking for money (I'm guessing) and she doesn't need parenting like a minor child would. What is the harm of at least befriending her?

I would also recommend the paternity test. You might be making yourself upset over nothing.

[JudyKayTee]

I note that "the wife" is not "interested in having an illegitimate stepdaughter." Having contact or not having contact does not change one basic fact - she has an illegitimate stepdaughter.

I agree with Emland - how would you approach the situation if your wife were not upset to this extent?

I agree with what has been posted - locating birth parents very often hurts more than one person. However, it's happened and now the question is how to move forward. I feel sympathy for the girl who, through no fault of her own - unless finding her birth father is a fault - is suddenly probably feeling rejected, possibly for the second time. No one knows what her mother told her - except for the child and the mother,

I also disagree that a one-night stand does not make a father. Legally it does.

[ScottGem]

I feel sympathy for the girl who, through no fault of her own - unless finding her birth father is a fault - is suddenly probably feeling rejected, possibly for the second time.

See this is where my OPINION differs. I think the girl brought this on herself, by contacting the OP out of the blue.

Now I will admit, we don't know the exact circumstances of that contact. All we have is the OP's statement that; "a call come hello dad - complete me" after more than 20 years. Maybe it was that simple or maybe not. But any adoptee who thinks that such reunions are all sweetness and light is leaving themselves open for a hurt.

I'm a bit on the fence here though. I believe, if I were caught in the situation I would be pissed as hell at the birth mother but would not take it out on the daughter. On the other hand, I can sympathize with the OP who has had his life somewhat turned upside down.

There isn't going to be a winner here. Just a lot of people hurt to different extents.

[cdad]

There is much more to this that isn't being said. We have no idea how the OP's name came up in the first place. If the adoption were a closed adoption - common place 20 years ago. Then something else is up.

But my opinion on all of this is that the wife should calm down and stop being so selfish. You the OP need to man up. You speak of being a responsible adult yet your acting like a spoiled child attatched to mommies apron strings. If this girl is reaching out then so be it. The fact that you were denied any decision in the process is now history. You have the here and now to deal with. Your attitude as of right now just shows that you shouldn't have been part of the process. Grown ups don't act like this. Take it slow and see where it leads. Ask for a test. Its not a shame to do so. And no one has to know except for you and the other person taking the test. Unless it is done through a court room then its not legally binding anyway. But get it straight. Do you now have a daughter or not. Then proceed forward.

[troubled923]

I can understand that your wife would be upset. I cannot understand that she is this upset, that this "news" rocked your marriage.

Did she think you were a virgin when she married you?

Or does she think you knew the child was a possibility and didn't tell her?

This was shocking news to me and my wife. Ours lives were built on a reality that does not exist - who knows what might have been if I came in with a child in tow - baggage that might have caused my wife to walk on by before we even got to a relationship stage. We both knew there were past relationships. But we both thought there were no children. This is not about trust between us. It is about how to be fair and meet everyone's needs

There is much more to this that isnt being said. We have no idea how the OP's name came up in the first place. If the adoption were a closed adoption - common place 20 years ago. Then something else is up.

But my opinion on all of this is that the wife should calm down and stop being so selfish. You the OP need to man up. You speak of being a responsible adult yet your acting like a spoiled child attatched to mommies apron strings. If this girl is reaching out then so be it. The fact that you were denied any decision in the process is now history. You have the here and now to deal with. Your attitude as of right now just shows that you shouldnt have been part of the process. Grown ups dont act like this. Take it slow and see where it leads. Ask for a test. Its not a shame to do so. And no one has to know except for you and the other person taking the test. Unless it is done through a court room then its not legally binding anyway. But get it straight. Do you now have a daughter or not. Then proceed forward.

I have no idea of how the child found her birth mother - but she says her birth mother told her my name and she reseached the internet and used search companies to find me. I did not ask what she was told about me.

I don't know about apron strings - I think my wife has a say in all matters that effect our family unit and I am sure she will not see her way clear to having the child over for Christmas dinner.

I am not ashamed to take a test - I just don't want to give the child false hope that once paternity is proven I will have some paternal feelings for her and want a relationship.

She will never be my daughter in the truest sense of the would - a biologocal off-spring possibly. She is her adopted parents' daughter.

I do not see why I should not have been a part of the process - I think I could have assisted in pre-natal care cost, offered support to the birth mother financially and emotionally and helped to reach the same decision the birth mother did - this child belonged in the home of loving adult parents. I think I could have proven myself to my family as being responsible for my actions and earned their continued respect and I think I could have prepared my future family for the possibility of this day.

I have no troubles with owning the consequences of my actions - never have, never will. I can't say I feel the same for the birth mother who acted to exclude me and then decided that I needed to be included 20 years later. I am going to say I am pissed that the child made searches not only for me but also for my wife - that was way out of line - what was she going to do if my wife openned her e-mail before I talked to her - she my have some rights to being a part of my life, which deep down inside I feel were forfieted for her by her birth mother 20 years ago, but she has no place between my wife and I. I am hoping I get past that anger.

[Synnen]

I will repeat: YOU NEED COUNSELING.

You SHOULD have been included in the process. Unless you are in Utah, NOT being included in the process could have made the adoption invalid. What the birth mother did (in not telling you 20 years ago) was illegal, but you can't go back and change that now, nor can you prosecute her for it. If you had found out while the child was still a minor, you would have had rights to fight for custody, but that is all water under the bridge.

Please--both you and your wife need to see a counselor who understands adoption issues to help you work your way through this. Whether you decide to have a relationship with the daughter is irrelevant at this point. You need to process a lot of information and a lot of emotions, most of them negative, and you should get help with someone who understands what you are dealing with.

[troubled923]

I note that "the wife" is not "interested in having an illegitimate stepdaughter." Having contact or not having contact does not change one basic fact - she has an illegitimate stepdaughter.

I agree with Emland - how would you approach the situation if your wife were not upset to this extent?

I agree with what has been posted - locating birth parents very often hurts more than one person. However, it's happened and now the question is how to move forward. I feel sympathy for the girl who, through no fault of her own - unless finding her birth father is a fault - is suddenly probably feeling rejected, possibly for the second time. No one knows what her mother told her - except for the child and the mother,

I also disagree that a one-night stand does not make a father. Legally it does.

My point regarding fatherhood is that it requires more than sperm. The child's father is her step father and he would have been her father even if I had had some say 20 years ago. And I am not so sure in my case I am the legal father. When people acted without me I think that any parental rights I had were severed and with it the parental obligations were severed to. And of course no emotional bonds were ever formed - unlike the case of the birthmother knew for 20 years she had a daughter out there.

I can respect your desire for privacy and can understand your wish for no contact, but I can't help wondering if you would still reject her if it wasn't for your wife's unhappiness with the situation.

I don't get the shame and guilt part. This isn't a 10 year old that popped up from an indescretion while you were married. She isn't looking for money (I'm guessing) and she doesn't need parenting like a minor child would. What is the harm of at least befriending her?

I would also recommend the paternity test. You might be making yourself upset over nothing.

Rejecting a person, failing to meet her needs does bring guilt and shame - I played a role in creating this child, she has a need I do not understand and therefore cannot fulfill. I am a complete stranger, she is an adult - her foundation was set by her adoptive parents and she has made her way in life. What is it I can do for her? Tell her I love her - I don't. Tell her I wish her well - I have. Listen to her story - perhaps. Tell her my story with regard to her - not pretty - "I had a couple of good times with your birth mother that ended in bed and ultimately in you being created" - does she really want to hear that we barely knew each other, that we had no business being in bed together and we had an equipment failure? That's the story. It does not seem like the basis for a friendship. I can listen and pehaps that is what she wants - but friends and a relationship, doubtful.

I am a birthmother who has worked with the adoption community for about 20 years.

You owe this child nothing, though obtaining a test to be sure and then giving her her medical background would be very good of you.

You and your wife need to go see a counselor--like as soon as possible. There are counselors that specialize in adoption issues, and though they can be hard to find, usually you can find one if you keep calling and asking at other counselor's offices.

Both of you need help to reconcile your images of yourselves and of each other, and you need help processing this surprise "attack", for lack of a better word.

I always encourage adoptees and birthparents to go through a third party when they search, because contact can and does do exactly what has happened to you--destroyed lives.

You absolutely have the right to tell this person that you have thought about it and feel no connection with her, and that you never even knew she existed. You absolutely can tell her to not contact you further. Aside from legally compelling you to give your medical history through a court, she can't legally compel you to do anything. HER issues are not YOUR problem--and she should receive counseling as well to help her determine why she needs someone else to feel complete in the first place.

Please--see a counselor. It is not a weakness to need help processing all of your emotions when you have been ambushed like this.

Thank you for your insight - I think some professional help would be good to guide my wife and I through this. I see another has advised to tell my children of the child - that will be a killer - do you agree? We will clearly need help with formulating the appropriate wording/approach and insight to the typical responses so we can be prepared to do our best.

[Synnen]

I agree that you should inform your children.

I think they have the ethical right to know, personally. However, what you tell them depends on their ages and how well they can understand. It shouldn't be a big, bad, dark secret, but it doesn't mean you have to encourage them to get to know her and love her and whatever. It's obviously something hard to talk about when you didn't know from the beginning. There ARE age-appropriate ways to talk about it though.

I cannot blame you for feeling angry and upset about this. I would be too, in your place.

[troubled923]

I misspoke. Of course, this has to do with your wife. She is your partner and anything that affects you affects her. But, I still don't understand why she is so upset. You did not betray her, you were not responsible for being unaware of this child. She does not have to embrace this woman, nor bring her into the family unit, unless you insist on it. Whether you decide to maintain a relationship with her is up to you and, as long as it doesn't affect your family unit, should not be of major concern to her.

I have long been deadset against adoptees imposing on their birth families. In my opinion one's parents are the people that raised you. A biological connection doesn't a parent make. While I believe adoptees are entitled to a medical history, that is all they are entitled to. Adoptees should not be allowed to contact birth parents unless there is mutual agreement.

I believe you have nothing to feel guilty or shame about. I believe the fact that you do makes you a good person, but it is not necessary. You knew nothing of the pregnancy. I believe you that, had you known, you would have done the "right thing". But you didn't know and through no fault of your own. So I think you should stop beating yourself up about that.

I would contact this woman and offer to give her a medical history, but explain to her that is all your are willing to do and she is not to contact you again. Had she done the right thing and contacted you through a third party, giving you a chance to decide what you wanted to do, it might be different. But she set herself up for disappointment by taking the action she took. That's on her, not you.

Legally, you have no responsibility towards her at all. Ethically I don't believe you owe her anything more than a medical history. Morally, well that's up to you. For me, I would not feel any responsibility or remorse for cutting her off.

I do have to mention one kicker in this. You don't say whether you have children. If you do, then I think you do have an obligation to let them know they have a half sister and for them to choose whether they want to maintain some level of contact.

I think telling our children is the under-lying cause of the freak out by my wife. She admits there is some of the "what will the neighbors think" selfishness, but I know she will get past that and we have our right to keep our affairs private - its not like we will be telling the world. But disappointing our children by admitting to behavior that we have advocated against - that is a stumbling block. Telling my parents will be very hard for me.

Thank you for your input