[448fxe]

My daughter stays out all night with her friends, she is 21 years old goes to school and works part-time. All I ask is that she calls to let us know when she'll be home and where she is. I just want to know she is safe and not dead in a ditch somewhere. She refuses to call stating she is 21 years old and should not have to call. She lives at home, we pay for her phone, car, and school, in return we would like a phone call! What's a parent to do!

[neverme]

Stop paying for everything and she'll soon change her tune.

Your house, your rules.

[NYcityboy]

I say if she is in your house, she must respect your rules. If not, she needs to sit down with you to see how she can make it on her own. If she sees the reality of it, she may see your rule as very reasonable and one of love and not control.

[448fxe]

Thanks for your advice, I feel the same way, my husband doesn't , I guess that's the real problem, he continues to pay her bills! He feels it's his parental obligation to get her through school so she can get a good job, although I admire him for this I think he makes it too easy for her!

[neverme]

I wouldn't even sit down with her, if she wants to be on her own she needs to know the full extent of that decision.

[J_9]

The problem inherent here is that both you and your husband need to be on the same page.

First question before I go any further is: Does your husband have a problem with her not calling or is it just you?

[448fxe]

He tells me to call her and find out where she is, lately I've called the number and handed him the phone to him and he tells her to come home. I wish we could could agree on this, I have asked him several times to please make her accountable for some of her financial responsibilities, at least her phone bill or part of her car bill

[J_9]

You two are going to have to come to some agreement before you can carry out anything drastic. You both have to be on the same page.

Life was so much simpler when I was growing up: cell phones didn't exist, we had to work to pay for the gas and insurance on vehicles, had to share them with our mothers because our mothers didn't work, and we had curfews that we respected.

You can't expect your daughter to adhere to rules when it's possible that they will be overturned by daddy. That's just a disaster waiting to happen.

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss realistic expectations of a girl her age as well as the consequences if she does not follow the rules.

Your dilemma has little to do with her, but rather the inability of you and your husband to create and maintain rules and boundary's.

You need to sit down and talk to him about what his expectations are. What time do you both expect her to be home? What are the consequences if she violates the rules?

While I can see your daughter's point, she is an adult after all, I see your point because the money is coming out of your pocket. At what point does this cease?

I've walked in your shoes with 2 of my children and still have 2 more to go. It's not easy being a parent, that's for sure.

[448fxe]

Amen to your advice, I agree 100% - now just to get my husband to see the light! I appreciate your posts!

[J_9]

This is how it worked for me...

We did not supply the cell phone. If the boys wanted it, they had to pay for it. The vehicle and school, well that's different. They needed to get to an from school.

It was harder for me than it was their father, but at 21 they are adults. We have to learn to respect that. Whether we want to or not, we have to let our children have their wings, their individualism, and their respect.

It's so hard to go to bed not knowing where our children are or when they will be home. BUT we need to do this for their own good as well as our health and sanity. Look at it this way... She could be living on her own and you would never know when she is home, where she is, or if she is safe.

When raising my two oldest, after much trial and tribulation, it became habit that they poked their heads into the bedroom and said "mom, dad, I'm home." At least that way I knew they got home safely. If they were going to stay out all night they had to let me know. At the age of 21 it was their business where they were, but at least they had to let me know they were alive and well and I would see them the next day.

My boys are now married, one has served in Iraq and the other is currently serving in Iraq. I am proud of the way I raised them, even though I thought I had ulcers from worrying for a while. LOL

Again it comes down to expectations:

1) We expect you to come home at night and let us know when you get home.
2) We expect you to let us know, by a reasonable hour, if you will not be home.
3) In return for these expectations, we require that you maintain a certain GPA at school.
4) We will pay for the payments and insurance on the car, but since you work, you are required to pay your cell phone bill and put gas in the car.
5) Finally... if these rules are not met, the car goes, as does the college tuition and you have xxx amount of time to find a place of your own.

I guarantee you, from personal experience, if you adhere to the rules and consequences you set forth, you will get the response you are looking for.

As said previously, I have been through this twice already. My only daughter just turned 16 and got her drivers' license. She thinks she expects a car... she has another thing coming, LOL. It's all in "who is the parent here."

[448fxe]

Thanks we are going to try again, we set the rules as you stated above and told her she needed to start giving us money towards her cell phone bill. I told my husband it is up to him now to enforce the rules. We'll see what happens! I'm trying to keep a sense of humor but it's getting harder and harder. Counting the days till she gets a full time job and moves out LOL! I might consider getting a little get-a-way apartment for myself LOL!

[turtlegirl17]

Steal the keys to her car and tell her she can only get them back if she calls.

[Jake2008]

A get-a-way apartment sounds heavenly! Need a roomie?

I don't know where we, as parents, have gone so wrong as to feel obligated to provide a car, car insurance, a phone, free room and board, etc.

Sure she's in school, works part time, but the thing that gets me is this sense of entitlement these kids have, and the reason they have it- because we provide it.

If they don't thank God every day for what is provided to them, and follow simple rules in order to show some respect and appreciation, why do they have them in the first place.

Many will disagree, but I would be cancelling the phone. I'd take away the car keys, and she could take the bus, and I'd be asking for money every week for room and board.

It is a fine line we walk, expecting them to be independent and responsible, while providing everything for them to get there, that becomes or turns into the opposite.

I would be careful if, after she finishes school, that she still expects mom and dad to provide everything. If that happens at that point, you will have an adult who will continue to expect everything for nothing, and a whole new set of problems.

At some point, she has to have consequences. Pointing them out, and enforcing them- i.e. let her bus it to school for a few weeks if she doesn't call- will pay off in the end.

[Kitkat22]

Cancel the phone. Tell her she will have to start paying her own car insurance. If she doesn't go by your rules do what you say your going to do and stick to it. Life is no picnic for parents in this day and time.

I remember crying many times when my husband and I had to make decisions our children didn't agree with, but we knew what some of the consequences could be if we let them do certain things.

I have a few gray hairs worrying if I did this right or I did that wromg. MY husband and me were always on the same page. Course I did most of the dislipine so I was the mean mom. My kids turned out to be wonderful parents themselves. We still have a younger one in her last year of College and she's going to be leaving in a few weeks to go on a Music Tour with her College Choir. I begged to go but she rolled her eyes and
Moooom, I'll be fine, I'm not a baby anymore. Her dad said ; "You're still our baby that's why we still worry. All parents do. Hang on it will get better.

[Seckba01]

I have a similar situation. My 21 year old was staying out all night, while living home rent free with us paying car insurance, cell phone etc. We make her pay these things now, and she does regularly and as agreed on, but now started staying out all night again. Now what?

[sparker0901]

At 21, I wouldn't make it mandatory for her to come home.
I also wouldn't make it mandatory that she call.
To be honest would you at 21, want to call your parents in front of your friends or a date or a more independent boyfriend to check in? I sure wouldn't.
Maybe try to get her to just text you. Its discreet, its private, no one has to know she still checks in with mommy and daddy.

Or do what someone else said, stop asking.
One day you will never know this stuff, you will never know when she gets home, where she is, what time she is out till, maybe now especially at 21, she's getting a little old for all this, you pull back and let go.

If you keep treating her like a child, she'll never grow up.

[donikamorjaria1]

I agree that it's important that your daughter contacts you while she's out to let you know she's safe but maybe try a different approach to this?

I suggest a start to being on the same page is maybe be a bit discreet and communicate through texting while she's out? She won't feel being treated like a kid as much while being around her friends compared to a phone call. And your more likely to get a response :)

As long as you know who she's with, she's contactable if needed and roughly what time she's going to be home it should be okay!

Make sure to also try some reverse physiology! ;)