[Inupiat30]

Ok here goes...
I have been weighing the pros and cons of staying with my current boyfriend and have talked with several friends but haven't solved anything.

First I would like to start by saying he is the best man that I've been with and the thought of leaving him hurts my heart.

He wouldn't cheat on me (hopefully anyway. He was cheated on and left by his fiancé of four years) He doesn't drink. He's good with money. He is smart and funny. He is good looking. He's completely honest no matter what. He is a lot of things that my ex's were not basically.

On the other hand:
We seem to not be sexually compatible (when he is ready to have sex he basically says pull down your pants and that's all the foreplay I get) I've made gentle suggestions when we've been together about kissing my neck and touching me but it didn't sink in. When I've asked him to try oral he goes right for it and expects to get me off within a few minutes and then gets frustated when it doesn't happen. And he gets more frustrated because I can help myself and be done in a minute or two.)

Second: He has had one job in the last six months that lasted two months and has spent the last two weeks playing on the internet and tells me he is looking for a job

Third: He is absolutely stubborn and set in his ways, example he has stated that he would never go to a doctor for any reason. Not even if I asked him. For example: a broken arm or leg, a heart attack etc. Now I know that you can live your life without having to go to the dr for something serious but not to go ever and possibly shorten your life span because you believe in natural selection or whatever... I'm still having problems wrapping my mind around that.

Now the question:
Are these reasonable reasons to not be with someone? Am I being petty and expecting too much?
Help!! Please!

[chakarnis]

Sometimes, good guys need to grow up, too. You need to determine your feelings for this guy. If you REALLY love hm, talk with him. Don't be gentle... he's a man. Tell him how you feel EXACTLY. Be sure he understands. If you want foreplay, TELL HIM. You do have the right to say "NO" and "STOP" or "GET A JOB".

[Inupiat30]

Thank you for the advice.

[JBeaucaire]

You didn't list your respective ages. Was that an intentional omission?

Johnny lives in a world where what he wants he gets. That's not a very realistic world.

Life is work. That means a job, a good job, something he loves and is inspired by doing.

Sex is work. It's about GIVING pleasure, not GETTING an orgasm. Johnny needs to learn this. If all he wants is an orgasm, buy some vaseline and a Playboy and hand it to him. If he wants to have a sexual relationship, then that's about learning what pleasures a woman and DOING it. Like a job. You do it because the benefits are clear.

If the benefits of being a good worker and a good lover are lost on this guy, I would have to say you have found a guy who's not even to second base mentally, and for a lifemate, you want a homerun.

Right?

I know it's hard. But guys learn through loss. The only way this guy is going to ever get motivated is if his selfish ways COST him something. It may need to cost him you. I'm sorry to say that out loud.

Losing you may be the ticket, as long as it happens in a way he can hear. Cut him loose with a clear reasoning NOT couched in anger.

"I'm looking for a man who is excited about life and what he does to make the world better, a man with a purpose and a job that is meaningful. I'm also looking for a man who is sexually mature and EAGERLY interested in what gives pleasure to a woman. I'm looking for a man who enjoys sex because of what he can GIVE through that process. I'm sorry, Johnny, but right now, neither one of these things describes you. I need to move on now before either of us wastes anymore time. Good luck to you."

Hey, he may get it, but it's the next girl(s) he dates that will reap the benefit. If you take him back after all that (at least anytime soon), it may undo any progress he's making.

It is what it is. We all get better through each relationship. We learn, we adjust, we try again.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

"I'm looking for a man who is excited about life and what he does to make the world better, a man with a purpose and a job that is meaningful. I'm also looking for a man who is sexually mature and EAGERLY interested in what gives pleasure to a woman. I'm looking for a man who enjoys sex because of what he can GIVE through that process. I'm sorry, Johnny, but right now, neither one of these things describes you. I need to move on now before either of us wastes anymore time. Good luck to you."

Yep, absolutely agree. There are a lot of significant red flags there of things that will make a huge difference in the quality of your life together & not for the better. There are also a lot of good qualities you mentioned but then many do that have downsides that are intolerable in a mate.

He may be good with money but without a job he won't have any (other than yours) to be good with. He sounds like a selfish, impatient lover so your sex life is likely to get even worse than it is now. He obviously can latch on to an irrational idea (like refusing to go to a dr at all costs) & cling to it despite all the evidence that at least sometimes that is exactly what needs to be done. That trait can easily carry on to other aspects of your relationship & nothing you can say or show him will change his mind no matter how wrong his thinking is. That is not likely to get better until he wants it to.

So you have very valid reasons for putting the brakes on this relationship now so if you don't see consistent improvement on those annoying issues, get out while the getting is good. Otherwise you will spend too much of your life frustrated, angry & sexually unsatisfied with someone that isn't willing or capable of being a great partner for you.

You don't say how old you guys are or how long you have been together. You do say he is better than the guys you've been with so far. Of course it hurts your heart to think of leaving him, you have an emotional connection to him now. But your heart will hurt worse short & long term if you can't get a better working relationship with him. And if he has been a better choice than you have had before, that shows you are learning how to raise the bar to get the type of man & relationship you do deserve, so if you learn from this experience too, you can make an even better choice the next time too.

Hang in there!

[N0help4u]

Pro list of what to do.
DUMP HIM otherwise you are in for a life of

Con list of what to do
Staying and having the 'lonely in a crowd' feeling the longer you stay.

[Inupiat30]

Hello,
Just wanted to thank everyone for there advice. I also wanted to add that omitting my age was not intentional, honestly it didn't even occur to me to add this information. I'm 29 and he's 28. We have been together for six months now.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

At 28, he should be mature enough to recognize the need for a steady job & surely has had enough time to get past such selfish sex habits. Even without a long list of lovers, he should know by now that sex should be good for both instead of acting like he is simply masturbating with a human being who doesn't matter to him.

[chakarnis]

You know, we women have a bad habit of reading into everything and turning it into something that we want it to be. Whereas, men are totally literal. What you see is what you get. You're not going to turn him into something he's not. He doesn't want anything and he's perfectly satisfied with the way things are. After his fiancé showed herself,. how in the *&^% can anybody be engaged for four years? Anyway, after his fiancé, I'm sure that he will not trust women again... EVAH! So, I wouldn't expect too much more than he's puttin' out. His being honest and true is just the kind of guy that he is but as far as a relationship is concerned - "ain't no thang". Do you feel me? Sweetie, I'm afraid you are paying for the runaway bride's goof. Let it go. Nuthin' shakin'.