[Eek]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years (we're both now 21) so we have spent our entire adolesnce together. Until now, we have had a very trusting relationship. Really, I trusted him infinitely, I never thought he would cheat on me. When we started dating we were both so in love with each other and before we got together he kept telling my friends how badly he wanted to be with me. He courted me for a year and half before I gave in, and as I said, we have now been together for 4.5 years. We've had our ups and downs, but nothing major.

Until recently. I was looking through his old msn conversations and I came across an a conversation that surprised the hell out of me. In the conversation, my boyfriend is talking to another guy who is 23.

In the conversation it is revealed that my boyfriend posted an ad that the other guys responded to. They exchange information about where the live and my boyfriend says do you want to meet up, but the other guys says my boyfriend lives too far. The other guy says 'what do you like to do with guys' and my boyfriend says "i'd never been with a guy, how about you?" The other guys says, " I like to give/get head" and my boyfriend says he'd like to try that. The other guy asks my boyfriend what 'he' looks like and my boyfriend says he doesn't know how to descrived it, but 'it's cut'. The other guys says he is too and sends him a photo of his erect ps. They also exchange profile pictures. They each tell the other one they are cute and my boyfriend says want to see my jerk off on my web cam. The other guy says I want to see you . I guess my boyfriend jerks off because the other guys says I'm almost there and then my boyfriend says he is to. And then the conversation ends...

I also located his ad. The title was "21 yr old looking for first time experience with a guy" and the content said "I'd like to try being with a guy around my own age right now"

I immediately confronted my boyfriend about this and his initial response was that's not me. When it was obvious I wasn't buying it he said he was drunk. When I explained that the conversation revealed it was midday, on my brithday, only an hour after he had left my company, he caved and started telling my what I think I believe to be the truth. He was curious...

When I said that we needed to break up he started sobbing saying that he didn't do anything, nothing actually happened and that he was sorry. Over the past 3 days I feel like me and my boyfriend have become a lot closer and he keeps looking me in the eyes and saying I love you and don't worry, I'm OK. He says he just wants me to be OK, and that he would never do anything like this again to hurt me. He says I'm his whole world and that he needs me. He says he was really stressed, his mom was trying to kick him out of the house and that he doesn't know what came over him. He says I'm all he wants and that this had to happen so that he could get it out of his system. This event happened 2 months ago and he said its never happened again since and nor does he want it to. He says he didn't like it, that he's disgusted with himself, and that he really regrets it, but that it's no big deal, because he knows himself and knows that he doesn't feel that way because he is definitely not gay. We've been very open about the whole thing and I've told him my every concern.

It's just so weird. He's such a guy's guy. He practically breathes sports, has no fashion sense (only ever wears shorts and a tshirt), and is generally just the picture of straight... I know how stereotypical I am being, but I don't know where else to start. I mean, one of my best friends/roommate is a flamboyant homosexual and they are just such polar opposites...

But in this three day emotional marathon I'v started to realize how much my boyfriend keeps bottled inside. With a little prodding the next thing I knew I had him sobbing into my arms about his parents divorce (happened 8 yrs ago) and how worried he is about his mom being alone and broke.

I think I believe that he is just someone who either refuses to let himself feel anything, or he feels it really intensely. So I think that maybe he convinced himself he was gay and decided he needed to know for sure. He said he didn't even really think about the ad much, that he went on a website to post something for sale and that the next thing he knew he reading the men seeking men section and then was posting his own ad. But I am scared to believe him and that I am rationalizing for him. Too much is riding on me being wrong. I have to go on blind faith that he knows for sure he wants to be with me and that he isn't gay, and right now my faithing abilities are being put to the test. I've given him my whole adolescents and I love him so much, but I can't spend anymore time in this relationship if its not going anywhere... I can't take anymore surprises.

Is this a normal level of curiosity? Does this mean my boyfriend is gay? Can I ever trust him again? Help!! I'm soooooooo confused.

[ConfusedInAK]

He may be Bi or in denial...

Try approaching him with an open conversation rather than and accusatory one and maybe he will spill the beans.

But men do not "play" men if they are not attracted to them in some way.

[Xrayman]

Id say it was pure experimentation- he probably is not even bi, I think he may have been curious to test the waters with a guy. Frankly I doubt if anyone is 100% gay , bi or hetro, we are all "ourselves".

Cheers, watch him, but I think you are pretty much okay with him.

[smoothy]

I'd say he is bi-curious at the very least. He's not gay if he likes being with you, a woman.

[Synnen]

The issue isn't really "is my guy gay".

The issue is "can I trust my guy not to leave me for someone else?"

You have to figure that out yourselves, perhaps with counseling. It's not that he might be gay or bi that bothers you--it's the fact that you can't trust him not to leave you anymore.

[shatteredsoul]

I think the point has been made about trust.. That being said, how can you feel safe in this relationship after knowing what he has done. IT isn't even so much that nothing specific happened, it's the fact that you had to FIND out by looking, not by him disclosing his true feelings to you. Those feelings about sexual arousal may not always be on his mind, but they aren't going to go away just because you caught him. Right now he feels embarrassed and remorseful and sad that he has caused you this pain but, he still did what he did and never told you. THAT is a huge problem because that means he probably won't tell you the next time he gets an urge, a feeling or acts on it. He is confused. He probably is very turned on by men but also still enjoys being in a relationship too. This a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do you love him enough to overlook the fact that he may be thinking about blow jobs when he is having sex with you? The real question is, can you be with someone who obviously is attracted to men and isn't honest about what he does with that attraction? Is this a safe choice to be with someone who could be having some sort of sex with men? ARen't you putting your own life and future at risk by continuing this relationship. I don't know, but for me this kind of information would be enough to not pursue a future with this person and for me to do some soul searching of my own. It is hard enough to deal with people being faithful with the opposite sex, it is a whole different ball game when you are dealing with same sex interests. YOU cannot really compete with that. NOR should you have to...

I think he has a history with you that he feels safe with and cares about you but I don't think he is truly interested in the relationship. IT is what he knows and he doesn't know how to let it go. IT sounds like you feel very vested in keeping the relationship together because you started so young. I think you should stop wasting anymore of your youth on a relationship that will never be completely what you want. HE is not completely what you want. YOU don't want to be with a man who desires men, it will hurt you so much and it will waste the precious youth you have left...
It's your life to do with it what you want, but you won't ever be able to make him be what you want him to be.. He is who he is and you loving him won't change that. Maybe its time to love yourself enough to be alone and be free to find someone who only wants and needs you.

[DonaldM_23]

He's Bi without a doubt... If he's placing ad to meet up with guys. I think you have to say to yourself he is more open to other diseases. You need to separate yourself from him and get tested...

[Choux]

It sounds to me like he is behind in maturing both sexually and in general. Usually, healthy guys do this kind of sexual experimentation much earlier in life and are into full-fledged adult sexuality, either hetero or homo by 21.

Seems like he has a long way to go to grow up. That's about all I have to offer except that I hope you aren't supporting him. If you are, get a lot more life experience and wisdom before you think of any marriage commitment to him.

Best wishes,

[Eek]

Thanks for all your responses. And trust me, they've all occurred to me. But I just don't know. You can't have been in a relationship with someone for 4.5 yrs and know nothing about them. He says he was confused, that it was a phase, but now he knows himself better.

Is it not possible that he was just going through something that manifested itself like this? Is it not possible that be was just filled with self doubt and didn't know how to handle it? Might this not just be an identity crisis? Obviously, he was going through something, there is not doubt there. Obviously he needed to figure some stuff out and while I am very mad at him for figuring those things out while simultaneously strining me along the ride, is it not possible that he found out what he needs to know and honestly and truly didn't like it?

I can't believe that he is a bad enough guy to look me in the eyes while I am sobbing and tell me that he knows himself better for the experience and I am really what he wants.

Now clearly I don't fully accept my own advice because he and I have been struggling with this for a week now and I invited him over this morning to tell him I need two weeks to think.

But is there no way that he is telling me the truth? He just seems so sure. And I have to believe that he loves me enough to be honest with me. When I tell him how unfair it is to be with me if he's not sure, and that he will really kind of ruin my life if in a few yrs down the line history repeats itself, I have to believe he is a good enough guy to not do that to me.

If he needed to work stuff out, wouldn't he let me go with less of a fight?

[DonaldM_23]

To Tell you the truth it doesn't sounds like an identity crisis. It sounds like he got busted and will tell you anything he can to mend the problem. I'm a man, if I had any type of self crisis trust me I wouldn't run secretly to another man to find myself. The issue with your boyfriend is so clear, ask yourself this question. If you wouldn't have saw what you saw would he continue to do what he was doing? Spend some real time with yourself and think hard and long about how you want to live. Remember NJ Govenor McGreevy... I'm sure his wife had signs but convience her self that he must have had an identity crisis and now its over. Look at the out come, he's full blown gay and left his wife. Your happines and health is what counts at the end of it all

[Choux]

You are missing the point, Eek. *You* decide if you have a future with this guy.

Then, *you* have to take the proper measures that you think will give you a *happy life* in the long run.

Being young and unmarried is all about finding the best life partner... not about trying to make it work with someone unsuitable.

Best wishes going forward, :)

[Eek]

I don't know if it would havecontinued. It happened once, 2 months ago... and never happened again even though I didn't know about it until a week ago today.

It was a 20 minute conversation. Am I to believe that this 20 minutes conversation, that happened over msn is more meaningful then the 4.5 years we've been together??

Does 1 experience negate 4.5 years of another experience.

I full well appreciate what you are saying, I'm just playing devil's advocate here because its hard for me to believe I've been living a lie for 4.5 years and that those years meant nothing to him.

Besides, and while I realize there is no more way for me to know this then for anyone else other then him himself, it was msn. It was easy. Maybe he wouldn't have done it in person. Maybe like liquid courage, this was cyber courage. Maybe it was the arousal of doing something forbidden or taboo rather than the man on the other end. He jerked off. Something he does in the privacy of his own home frequently. He didn't see the other guy doing, the other guy saw him. And he said it took him twice as long to get there as it usually does.

Is there no chance that what he's telling me is the truth?

Honestly, I don't think he'd do it again. I do honestly believe that he loves me and that this was a lapse in judgement. After all, nothing did really happen. I just don't want him to be unhappy...

I know I have to decide and that no one but me can decide if I should stay in this relationship. And that's why I'm taking two weeks to clear my head and be on my own.

But this just wasn't supposed to end this way...

[shatteredsoul]

As far as you KNOW, it only happened once. The problem I have with this is how he didn't come to you and tell you his feelings, urges or about this experience. I THINK that if it was something like "cyper courage" and not a real discovery of his sexual desires, he wouldn't be SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH BEING HONEST. He doesn't want to let you go but that DOESN'T mean that he will never do this again. There is a possibility that he loves you but still feels sexually unfulfilled. I don't think he can share this aspect of his life with you.

I know it is so heartbreaking to think your life has been some sort of lie but you know what, YOU are so much better off finding out now. IF you wait and down the road with kids and a mortgage, it will come up again and then you really will have wasted your life. It doesn't mean that these past four and half years mean NOTHING to him, it means his sexual urges mean MORE. That may just be the fact of the matter. I know you want to find some justification for this behavior and maybe in your mind that will be enough but my gut instinct tells me, he wants you and yet this other life will still be a matter to deal with.

Why would any guy who is straight do ANYTHING like this? Most likely, they wouldn't because it wouldn't turn them on. Maybe he is bisexual I DON'T KNOW! BUT I do know he doesn't want to reveal his true feelings to you and that is dangerous. IF you just found out now, how much more is there to know?

Maybe you should evaluate whether you want to be with someone who isn't really sure what they want or who they want, it doesn't matter how much time you have invested. How much more time will you waste wondering, worrying, and discovering more things to be crushed by?

I think you just don't want to believe this is really happening and yet I think that is totally normal. Obviously you love this person and you want to believe the best about him but his inability to include you in this, is downright scary! YOU have to protect yourself and maybe put some distance between you two, so you can sort things out with a clear and level mind.

What would you tell someone if they told they just caught their man doing this? What would be your first piece of advice? You must protect yourself, your future and your heart. Don't allow him to decide what happens next, that should be YOUR decision.

I would say there would be a better chance that he is telling you the truth, if he would have TOLD you upfront and you didn't have to DISCOVER this on your own. From my perspective, he is covering his tracks so it doesn't look as bad to you..

I don't mean to be harsh or to hurt you. It happens everyday where women have marriages crumble before them after twenty or thirty years and four kids later and they say, I had NO IDEA he was gay, or liked prostitutes, or was a pedophile. People have many private lives that their spouses NEVER know about until it becomes too big to hide, or they want to get caught in some way. So don't think just because this relationship has lasted this long that it means that 20 minutes didn't somehow matter more to him (in the moment) than you did.

I hope you talk to a professional (maybe you both should) but I would give yourself time before I would trust him ever again. I wish you the best and I am sorry you are going through such a painful experience like this.

[plonak]

OK hon, let me give you some advice here coming from someone who was in a relationship where I thought the guy was honest, boy was I wrong..

I thought my ex told me the truth and that we communicated well, then he did something that broke the trust but I was too scared to let him go, so I said to myself "this was just one time, he promises never to do it again, or to lie to me again" needless to say that happened about 5 times in our relationship.. he'd beg for forgivness, promises all over the place, but it would go right back to the same place..

When guys are confronted with something they did wrong they do what ever they can do disfuse the situation, they do ANYTHING including lying to make sure you don't leave him.. empty promises..

It seems to me that your boyfriend was a deer caught in the headlights.. he's scrambeling to feed you the words you want to here.. that's at least my opinnion..

If you decide you want to trust him, and get back with him, what if everything he said was a lie to you, say he gets with guys and gives you an STD? Do you want to take a risk like that?

Think really really hard in these two weeks, have absolutely no contact from him and try to push your loneliness aside.. this is a major moment in your life.. take it seriously

[SilentScreams]

Hmmm this is a tough question. Not only have you been dating this guy for 4.5 years and now your questioning his sexuality, but he was dating YOU when he did this. The point that he went so drastic to place an add and the I.M. you found, to me, I don't think this was a one time thing. I think he just got caught this one time. He may be gay, that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you... but it could mean that he'd stay with you his whole life but secretly wanting to be with a man, and he may do so. This is a hard one, but cheating is cheating to me. Regardless of the amount of stress one is under, when did cheating become a stress reliever? I would figure that it would cause more stress. He shouldn't have done it to you and that's a simple fact.

[Synnen]

This thread is OVER a year old.

Closed.