[nikiangela]

So I let him borrow my laptop. And one night, he was really in need but we just couldn't do it that night. So I saw in the history that later that night he went on YouTube and looked up girls shaking their butts, and when I brought that up to him casually he told me that he masturbated to that. And I was a little shocked, but I stayed calm and collective. And just vaguely mentioned stuff like, "well it wasn't my butt", and "fantasizing?" And I didn't really know what to think of it so I let it go. But then I talked to some of my girlfriends and they said they'd be pissed. So I confronted him about it, and he was all "All guys do it" and those girls don't mean anything to me, it just helped me get off. But I feel that he shouldn't really be looking at other girl's butts to get off... We've been together for a year and a couple months. I am VERY lenient with him on many things. So should I be upset or no?
Thank you!

[Alty]

You're lenient with him? What exactly does that mean?

No, you shouldn't be upset. Porn, watching other women, is just visual stimulation. It doesn't mean that he's thinking about being with those girls. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. It's a guy thing. Men are visual.

Think of it this way. It's the same as you watching a romance movie and fantasizing about the lead character. It doesn't mean that you want to cheat on your boyfriend, or that you even want to have sex with that character. It's human nature.

Just remember one thing. It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. :)

[DoulaLC]

I agree with Alty. I'm not so sure I would be comfortable knowing that my partner was building his appetite elsewhere and then coming home to finish off the meal however... ;) Albeit, frequency would be a major component.

I do agree that many men will view porn for entertainment and as a means for self-satisfaction. They are able to just focus on themselves in that situation. No emotional connection required or expected.

That he was open and upfront about it says a great deal, so do keep that in mind. To him it had nothing to do with how he feels about you or your relationship, it was merely a vehicle to fuel his imagination in order to take care of the job at hand (no pun intended, but it does fit!)... :)

Think about it, do you ever have images in your mind while having sex with your boyfriend that do not include him? Does it mean you don't love him, love being with him, or that you would be tempted to look elsewhere?

[nikiangela]

What I meant by being lenient with him is that I put up with a lot of things he does... I'm not one of those girlfriends to assume and snap and yell at the first thing. It's just I wasn't sure how to feel about the situation. I understand everyone has their needs and porn and YouTube videos don't bother me if he wants to watch them... but he even said to my face "I just wanted some booty".. and I'm thinking OK great.. I don't know.. I feel upset because those girl's didn't have just any ***, they had a perfect round *** and knew exactly what they were doing with it. And it just makes me feel like he'd rather watch some girl looking for attention shaking her ***, than have to look at what I've got which isn't as 'perfect'. But don't you think they think in their heads that they wish they had that instead?

[DoulaLC]

I understand what you are saying... I truly do. It makes a great many women uncomfortable if their partner watches porn. It is hard not to feel as though you are being compared!

Another way to think about it however, is this. Do you notice an attractive man now and then? You might acknowledge 'Hey, nice butt, or nice arms, or whatever". When you do, do you wish your boyfriend looked like he does? Does it make you love your boyfriend any less or feel less attracted to him, because he doesn't have that nice butt or arms?

[Cat1864]

It sounds like he was looking to let off some steam. That has nothing to do with affection and intimacy with you.

Sometimes people, not just men, like to have some release without having to be concerned about their partner's feelings and needs. If you have a satisfactory love life then there is nothing to be worried about.

He isn't cheating. He is masturbating. I am pretty positive he has been doing that for longer than he has been your boyfriend. If you are honest, you probably have been, too.

If he were trying to pick up women or looking at dating sites, there might be a problem. However, it sounds like he is getting off on music videos.

I am sure that as much as you care about him and enjoy being with him that there is at least one celebrity or character that causes you to get just a bit aroused. It's fantasy and fantasy can be a very important part of keeping your sex life from getting stale. Ideas have to come from somewhere.

Keep in this thought firmly in mind, he may like round bottoms but that doesn't mean he isn't more attracted to yours.

[talaniman]

I think it best in situations like this when you are disturbed by what you find out about your partner, to think carefully before you act out of impulse, or emotion. Facts is what his fantasy is about has nothing to do with you at all, over reaction will only drive a wedge between you.

Don't let your insecurities get you to the point you overlook his honesty, or mistrust his motives. See this for what it is as you have discovered something about him that you didn't know, and something about yourself you have to pay attention to.

All that matters is what you do about it in the end, as you figure out can you get beyond it, or let it come between you.

[nikiangela]

Thank you for the feedback. No worries, I didn't act off impulse. I really thought about it before bringing it up. And we're really go in that way that we work things out instead of fight about it. But, the comments really helped. Thanks everyone : )

[Cat1864]

I'm glad you have a good relationship and communications. I hope it stays that way for a long time. :)