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    Would someone review this letter and suggest any changes needed?

    Asked Apr 2, 2014, 02:23 PM 3 Answers
    We are Certified Medical Assistants who work in healthcare and will be hosting the WI State Medical Assistants Convention next year. We are hoping to raise funds from various local businessess, hospital and clinics, physicians etc. in order to go forward with this endeaver and further our education, build membership and promote comradery.

    This is a letter that a committee chairman proposed. I'd like your suggestions for improving it.

    Dear Sir or Madam,
    I am writing your fantastic organization concerning a sponsorship opportunity with the 2015 Wisconsin Society of Medical Assistants State Convention. I know that (your company) has as its mission a desire to give back to the local community and what better way to do that than by helping the medical assisting workers of the great state of Wisconsin.

    In the past, local businesses and health centers have supported the local chapter that was hosting the WI State Medical Assisting Convention. Now it is the capital city's turn to broadcast the best and brightest educational voices to help all of the medical assistants throughout the state maintain their certifications.
    For the convention to bring high caliber speakers to the convention, we need financial help from you.

    At the 2014 State Convention more than 1500 attendees were there as well as 12 fantastic speakers from various fields of medicine. The past State Convention had been covered by media outlets in their vacinities and the 2015 State Convention will be no exception.

    We are anxiously looking forward to even greater success at the State Convention in Madison, WI. which will be held at the Crowne Plaza from April 23rd to April 26th 2015.

    Below are the details concerning the sponsorship levels for the 2015 Wisconsin:

    $2,000---Gold Honors------------------
    $1,000---Silver Honors----------------
    $ 500----Bronze Honors----------------

    If your organization would like to participate in the 2015 State Convention as a sponsor, please contact me with the amount of your donation.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,
    $____----Your Generous Donation (Honorable Mention)

    Last edited by Cat1864; Apr 2, 2014 at 02:41 PM. Reason: cleaned up font tag
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    3 Answers
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,724, Reputation: 5423
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #2

    Apr 2, 2014, 03:06 PM
    Why use "fantastic" not once, but twice? A bit overkill? Think of two more appropriate adjectives.

    You are missing several commas, WI should not have a period after it, and there's one paragraph spacing problem.

    "...sponsorship levels for the 2015 Wisconsin" what?

    I don't understand the line after "Sincerely."

    Are you enclosing a SASE?
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    furf's Avatar
    furf Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Mar 2, 2019, 05:38 AM
    Thanks Alistairr , I may well hold you to that , but we tend to avoid any lengthy seperations , so we would both have to raise enough sponsorship . As you say , a lot of money , but well see . Природный камень - купить в Нижнем Новгороде
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,248, Reputation: 7689
    Expert
     
    #4

    Mar 2, 2019, 05:59 AM


    If my business received this, my question is what community work, what charity work is your group doing to deserve this. (perhaps these businesses know your group)
    I would want to know what my money was going to be used for ?
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