Hello and thank you in advance for reading and giving comment!
I have read with interest MANY posts on visitation issues, and am still going to post my problems. I'll warn you in advance that it may be very LONG!

I am from Illinois.

In March of 2006, my two daughters,K(age 22) and J, (age 21) befriended a guy,B(age 22), who was NOT very great. They ALL went out to parties, concerts, etc. He was a guitarist in a band. Has a mohawk, tattoos, the whole nine yards. I found out he was a heroin/cocaine user, but they told me he was trying to "clean himself up." My younger daughter, J, started dating him. At the time, I wasn't happy about it, but what's a mom to do?

Let me say, I am an open-minded person and did not judge him on his appearance or his past, as I know we ALL make mistakes. I just kept my mouth shut, thinking if my daughter was happy, why should I interfere.

My older daughter, K, let him crash at her and her boyfriends place because he worked in our town and his mom lived 45 minutes away. Everything went well for a brief time.

In May, my daughter J, found out she was pregnant. Which was a minor miracle because medically she had had female problems early on and was told she would never have children.

Well, the partying came to a screeching halt for her of course. She immediately stopped smoking cigarettes as well. Her relationship with the B immediately soured. He didn't want to stop partying, he wanted to go out every weekend with his band buddies and get blitzed. He didn't want to stop smoking around her. It was a miserable time for everyone, as they fought constantly. Breaking up every other week.

In July 2006, after one of their fights, he went home to K's apartment, and proceeded to get blitzed. K drank with him, telling him it would be okay that J was "just hormonal".

I need to interject here that K thought of B as a brother and best friend.

Well, that night B plied K with more and more alcohol, and he raped her. (the case is going to Grand Jury for indictment FINALLY this month, but THAT is another story!)

After the rape, all contact was severed. Naturally, J wanted NOTHING to do with him. It was a devastating time for my entire family, and much to their credit, my daughters made it through the pain to the other side and are stronger people for it.

The day the baby was born, I called B and told him he had a son. I told him that if he came to the hospital and signed the birth certificate, that he could see him. He agreed.

My daughter, J even let him hold the baby, and take photos. He sat there holding him and crying. Sad huh? Well, when we asked him to sign the paperwork, he said NO! That his mother had told him NOT to! I explained that if he did sign that we would try to work out some type of visitation with him and his family, but he still refused. Saying my mom said no saying that she didn't think the baby was his.

In Illinois, the state automatically pursues the father for child support. We did NOT ask them to. My daughter named him on the birth certificate.

It took over a year to get him into court, when we did, he denied paternity AGAIN, and a DNA test was ordered. The test confirmed of course that he was the father. When we went back to court for the Child support hearing, we got slammed with a visitation suit!

UNBELIEVABLE! Of course we got a lawyer. They say that even when/if he's indicted on the rape that he will be allowed visitation. Our knee jerk reaction was to flee to keep the baby from this guy. But calmer heads prevailed, and we are fighting for supervised visitation.

Our lawyer wants us to present a visitation plan...

Finally what I need to know, does anyone have any idea as to what type of time schedule should be presented? We really want to avoid the cost of a mediator if possible. But feel that under the circumstances we aren't being unreasonable to request supervision.

Bear in mind that B has only seen the baby once-in the hospital, and the baby is now 14months old.

I feel that :
[*]He is a dangerous person[*]He doesn't know the baby.[*]If convicted he may never see the child again.

Also, we are requesting that his family NOT be allowed to see the baby, as THEY have never had anything to do with him either! After all, it was his mom that said the child was NOT his!

Truly you can't simply flip a switch and say OK, now that I HAVE to pay child support, I want and love the baby!

Also we have read a great deal about the effect that separation from the primary caregiver, J, may have on the baby.

We are stumped. We would prefer to NEVER have the child in his life, but realize that the court system won't allow that. So we are trying to come up with a viable solution.

Should we just try to delay and go to a mediator and hope for a conviction on the rape charge?

Any opinions or suggestions would be welcomed. However, if you try to tell me that it would be in the baby's best interest for this sperm donor to try to suddenly be a "daddy" I won't buy it, so be forewarned!

He is not now, nor ever will be a "good" example for the child.

Thanks!
Grammylora

I don't think you would be responsible to pay for a supervisor.
It would be helpful if you knew the minimum you could get away with in writing up your plan
Because if you say every Saturday, the Judge may have gone for every other Saturday.
But if you say every other Saturday it might be ruled that that is not enough and they could go with an entirely different plan.
Your best bet would be to ask a lawyer that is familiar with custody issues,
I don't think that he would have weekends or overnight with supervised visits
CPS supervisors have limited time like 1 to 4 hours. So from 1: pm to whatever time
Every Sat or Sun (or every other) would be reasonable I would think.
Then usually the Judge will want you to alternate Holidays.
Unless he got a relative to say they are willing to supervise but that can be scary in itself
Because some family members "feel they can trust him" so they do not actually act as the supervisor they are suppose to be.

How good of a case does the lawyer or whoever feel you have with the rape case?
Did your daughter report and go to the hospital immediately after he "raped" her?
Often it can turn into a he said/she said thing where he can claim she consented.
If he is found guilty that can be some serious time in jail. I have seen CPS award
Fathers with sexual crimes joint custody. Hopefully your CPS (or whatever they are called there)
Has more sense than my county.

Hi, Thanks for comment!
We are going to try to get myself appointed as the visit supervisor. I am the maternal grandmother. I worked for 2 years as a visitation supervisor at a local family center. I was then and think I am now quite able to separate my feelings from the people I supervise. Of course the judge may rule it a conflict of interest, but under the circumstances, it would be for the best for my grandson!

As for the rape-yes my daughter called me immediately, while he "showered". I took her to the ER, and the DNA proved it. The States Attorney feels it is a good case, but who knows?

As for the visitation AFTER he gets convicted (My lips to God's ear!) there is a law in Illinois:

Illinois General Assembly bills relevant to women and girls
Visitation
H.B. 671, sponsored by Pankau (R), changes the standard on which a court may restrict reasonable visitation from "endanger seriously" the child's health to "endanger" the child's health and gives guidelines on when temporary supervised visitation may be awarded; denies visitation to noncustodial parents or other relatives who have been convicted of any offense involving an illegal sex act regardless of the age of the victim or a violent felony while incarcerated or on parole, etc.; allows a revocation of visitation if the court determines that the person granted visitation chronically failed to comply with the visitation order of the court

It may be rough getting the Judge to go along with you supervising the visits.
Maybe offer for the visits to be in a public place for a trial period so that you can tell the Judge that if there was any conflict there would be possible neutral witnesses. Maybe find a mall that has a play place or some place kid oriented place.

Hope the case works out for your daughter because that can be tough to prove. He can claim that she has had her eye on him all along and she made a pass at him and blah, blah, blah, You wouldn't believe what the guy pulled on me in court and I had NEVER seen him before in my life. Fortunately the jury saw right through him.

In NYS the visit supervisor cannot be related to either party - visit supervisor must be a neutral.

Where to start Im not sure. For 1 thing you can ask for supervised visitation because of the age of the child and the familiarity with the " other " parent. As far a supervised with you being the supervising person I don't think a court would allow that because your under extreme predjudice concerning the case. You talk about separation of feelings but your words speak very differently. Aren we talking about a male child ? Illinois General Assembly bills relevant to women and girls Visitation.?

You have a lot of issues to sort through and sometimes its best not to look at them all at once but just to keep the goal in mind and take things one step at a time. No one can predict what a judge or court ruling will be so tread lightly. Good Luck.

Hi! Thanks for the reply!

The only reason we suggest it, is that our lawyer states the bio dad's MOM would probably be the one to supervise, and as I stated, we are contesting her rights as well. In Illinois, grandparents have to prove that it would be harmful to the child to NOT see them, and since he has NEVER seen her, it should be an easy thing.

PS. We have gathered quite a bit of "incriminating" evidence against him through myspace. (30 pages on him and 25 pages on his current live in girlfriend) Photos of him partying with underage kids, holding beer bongs for them, holding them up for keg stands, smoking weed with them.

Our lawyer says that it may be enough to fight him without using the rape. His exact words were, "The idiot has incriminated himself, and it will NOT look good for him"

Again, I appreciate ALL advice!

Grammylora

Dear califdadof3:
Thanks for taking time to repy. Yes my words may seem to speak differently, but when it comes down to the very bottom, I want what is best for my grandson, and I would be able to do what I had to do!

Also ty for pointing out that the bill may only address female children. Perhaps though it could be argued that what is good for the gander is good for the goose?

Thanks again!

Grammylora

Where I live grandparents are encouraged to do the supervision of the visitations.
That is why I suggested that HIS family members would be something you want to fight because they can claim they are supervising the visits when they are not.

That is great if your lawyer can use the Myspace against him.
In my state they are not allowed to introduce ANYTHING expect the facts of the case.
That is how the guy tried to lie about his knowing me. He said we sat over at my neighbors together and "I was his crack ho" and even had a so called "witness'' 'claim' he was my dealer right in court. It was not allowed to be brought up that he had been in jail for years before I even moved there and had only gotten out two days before. The police KNOW I do not do or deal with drugs, fortunately the court didn't buy the lies and the police said he really dug himself into a deep hole.
Hopefully this guy will dig his own ditch too.

Thanks NOHELP4U! I appreciate ALL of your input!