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    Delow84's Avatar
    Delow84 Posts: 309, Reputation: 45
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    #1

    Jan 29, 2011, 05:01 AM
    What are the chances of father getting primary custody?
    I am curious, because I am soon to be going through a divorce in San Antonio, TX. What the chances are of a father getting primary custody?
    cdad's Avatar
    cdad Posts: 12,687, Reputation: 1438
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    #2

    Jan 29, 2011, 06:18 AM

    It depends on the facts of the case as nothing is automatic. But there is the perception of prejuduce by the courts and its usually much harder for fathers to get primary custody then it is for the mothers of the child/children.
    Delow84's Avatar
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    #3

    Feb 1, 2011, 02:46 PM

    And if I were to file first, and with copies of a lot of the things they have said or sent each other while we were married?
    And if I file, can I shoot for primary custody, and If I don't get it at least have joint 50/50?
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    #4

    Feb 9, 2011, 12:07 PM
    Shared custody of 3mo old
    Hi,
    I am a father of a beautiful 3 month only boy, his name is Conor.
    The wife had started an emotional relationship with another man about two months ago, that has led to the end of our marriage.
    I am now worried about the child being with her. As she has made statements like "i want to kill myself, but i can't be away from conor so i would kill him too, so we could be together forever"
    And the man she is continuing a relationship with, has told her before that "if i can't have you i am going to kill myself, or kill you"

    I have recently gotten a recording of her admitting she said the suicide comment. (as she had been trying to tell people that I was lieing)
    She has since refused allowing me to see my son, unless I give her an iPhone. (we had bought two phones, one each, last year) I have said in email that I am willing to pay for it, and she said that's not good enough.

    Her mom at one point was on my side, and believed that something is wrong with her, and she isn't acting like her self etc etc. (but I believe she has since changed her mind for fear of losing her daughter, regardless if she is wrong/mentally unstable at the moment)

    I have recorded all our phone conversations, and saved all emails.

    Also we are in Texas. I want to try and get as equal of custody as is possible.
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    this8384 Posts: 4,565, Reputation: 485
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    #5

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Delow84 View Post
    hi,
    I am a father of a beautiful 3 month only boy, his name is Conor.
    The wife had started an emotional relationship with another man about two months ago, that has led to the end of our marraige.
    I am now worried about the child being with her. As she has made statements like "i want to kill myself, but i can't be away from conor so i would kill him too, so we could be together forever"
    And the man she is continuing a relationship with, has told her before that "if i can't have you i am going to kill myself, or kill you"

    I have recently gotten a recording of her admitting she said the suicide comment. (as she had been trying to tell people that i was lieing)
    She has since refused allowing me to see my son, unless I give her an iphone. (we had bought two phones, one each, last year) I have said in email that I am willing to pay for it, and she said thats not good enough.

    Her mom at one point was on my side, and believed that something is wrong with her, and she isnt acting like her self etc etc. (but I believe she has since changed her mind for fear of losing her daughter, regardless if she is wrong/mentally unstable at the moment)

    I have recorded all our phone conversations, and saved all emails.

    Also we are in texas. I want to try and get as equal of custody as is possible.
    File for custody immediately. If she is threatening not only suicide but also the murder of your child, you need to protect your child.

    If you can afford an attorney, I'd get one. I can already tell you this is going to get nasty.

    As far as the recording goes, this is Texas law regarding that:
    "Can We Tape?"
    As long as she was speaking to YOU while she made these comments, I don't see any harm. Actually getting a judge to allow them as evidence will be another matter, which is another reason I strongly suggest an attorney.
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    this8384 Posts: 4,565, Reputation: 485
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    #6

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:04 PM

    Additionally, I just caught your earlier thread about the same topic. Please don't start new threads regarding the same thing; you could have easily explained in your original thread that your wife is threatening herself and your child.
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    Delow84 Posts: 309, Reputation: 45
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    #7

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:05 PM

    I have gotten an attorny and filed the divorce/custody paperwork.
    I have only recorded or saved conversations between us. With her looking directly at me or responding to me.
    But I do not have anything from her admitting the stuff she told me about this other guy. I am hoping she will continue to lie about these few comments I do have, so the court will see her as a liar.
    Like I said, even her mom agreed there is something wrong with her.
    I just wish I knew what my chances were. I am scared for my son. I am scared if her new relationship goes bad, which it has in the past, she will become self destructive, or her guy friend will.


    Also, I apologize about creating two separate threads. My computer at work does not let this website load fully, so it is hard enough to post anything at all. Again I apologize.
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    #8

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Delow84 View Post
    I have gotten an attorny and filed the divorce/custody paperwork.
    I have only recorded or saved conversations between us. with her looking directly at me or responding to me.
    but i do not have anything from her admitting the stuff she told me about this other guy. I am hoping she will continue to lie about these few comments I do have, so the court will see her as a liar.
    Like I said, even her mom agreed there is something wrong with her.
    I just wish I knew what my chances were. I am scared for my son. I am scared if her new relationship goes bad, which it has in the past, she will become self destructive, or her guy friend will.
    The court is going to care less about the new guy and more about who you and/or your wife are as parents. The new guy is temporary; the two of you are not - you're the parents.

    Unfortunately, no one can tell you what your chances are or aren't. An attorney is your best bet because s/he is familiar with these types of things and will know how to best address the situation.

    Have you discussed your concerns with your attorney regarding your son's safety? What do they have to say about it?
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    Delow84 Posts: 309, Reputation: 45
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    #9

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:12 PM

    He is trying to set it up so I have emergency visitation rights, as I am not allowed to see conor at the moment because I won't do what she wants.

    The new guys long term isn't what worries me. It's the short term. It's if and when they blow up or fall apart that worries me. Because I feel one or the other or both of them will become self destructive, if not just generally destructive.

    I have let him know about my concerns, he didn't seem overly worried about it.
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    this8384 Posts: 4,565, Reputation: 485
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    #10

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Delow84 View Post
    He is trying to set it up so I have emergency visitation rights, as I am not alowed to see conor at the moment because I wont do what she wants.

    The new guys long term isnt what worries me. It's the short term. it's if and when they blow up or fall apart that worries me. Becuase I feel one or the other or both of them will become self destructive, if not just generally destructive.

    I have let him know about my concerns, he didn't seem overly worried about it.
    I'm sure it's nerve-wracking; it's never easy to feel like your child is unsafe and you can't do much about it.

    Sounds like your attorney is doing their job. If neither of them have a history of violence or self-harm, try to calm down a bit. Both of them sound dramatic, like they say things just to get attention.
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    #11

    Feb 9, 2011, 01:32 PM

    Very nerve wracking.
    And I really hope everything turns out OK. She does have a history of self destructive behavior. Like drug use, random sex etc. And even recently has made statements about using perscription drugs if she could get some. Like xanax and adderol. (which she thinks you need to take 4-6 pills at once to enjoy)

    So I am praying and hoping that its just attention her and the other guy want.
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    #12

    Feb 9, 2011, 02:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Delow84 View Post
    Very nerve wracking.
    And I really hope everything turns out ok. She does have a history of self destructive behavior. Like drug use, random sex etc. And even recently has made statements about using perscription drugs if she could get some. like xanax and adderol. (which she thinks you need to take 4-6 pills at once to enjoy)

    So I am praying and hoping that its just attention her and the other guy want.
    Was she exhibiting this behavior prior to the pregnancy/marriage? The reason I ask is that the courts will likely view it the same way - if you didn't have a problem with it before, why is it an issue now? Personally, I understand where you're coming from - but the courts try to make as level as a playing field as they can. And I hate to say it, but I also agree with the earlier statement - moms tend to have it slightly "easier" for reasons even I, as a woman, don't understand.
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    #13

    Feb 9, 2011, 02:30 PM

    She was doing all this prior to pregnancy and marriage. And she stopped because I told her I wouldn't be with her if she was like that. (her previous relationship was with this new guy)

    That is what scares me is how the courts favor the mother. I love my son, and every day away is killing me.
    this8384's Avatar
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    #14

    Feb 9, 2011, 02:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Delow84 View Post
    She was doing all this prior to pregnancy and marraige. And she stopped because I told her I wouldn't be with her if she was like that. (her previous relationship was with this new guy)

    That is what scares me is how the courts favor the mother. I love my son, and every day away is killing me.
    Well, don't give up total hope yet. My husband managed to get primary physical custody after his exwife had it for nearly four years - she screwed up, the courts recognized it and the order was changed.
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    #15

    Feb 9, 2011, 02:58 PM

    I feel so helpless. But I will keep hoping. There is little else I can do at the moment.
    Thank you
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    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #16

    Feb 9, 2011, 03:47 PM

    Delow84... are these comments regarding hurting the baby something you are very concerned about? It may be they are just making the comments for attention, but when it comes to the welfare of your child, is it worth the risk?

    You may want to contact DFPS (department of family protective services) and have a chat. I am surprised that your lawyer did not suggest it, or perhaps you did talk about it and they felt it was not necessary?

    Threats, in conjunction with her other behaviours, should not be dismissed without investigation.

    If nothing else, call your lawyer and discuss it if you haven't already. See what their take is on it. Then decide if further reporting is necessary.
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    #17

    Feb 9, 2011, 03:55 PM

    I am concerned. Knowing how she as been before, how she has always been a depressed person. Even when she is happy, she hates her family, self and life in general.
    When I was there I offered counseling, etc and she only wanted to see a psych to be perscribed pills.
    Me and my family have talked to cps, but I do not think that is going to work. Right now she has her grandparents who she is living with supporting her, and feeding her back her own lies. And also this other guy who has always been in her life during the worst things she has done.

    I will be calling my lawyer back as soon as I can. But as of this moment... I have done all I can.
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    this8384 Posts: 4,565, Reputation: 485
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    #18

    Feb 9, 2011, 04:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Delow84 View Post
    I am concerned. Knowing how she as been before, how she has always been a depressed person. Even when she is happy, she hates her family, self and life in general.
    When I was there I offered counseling, etc and she only wanted to see a psych to be perscribed pills.
    Me and my family have talked to cps, but I do not think that is going to work. Right now she has her grandparents who she is living with supporting her, and feeding her back her own lies. And also this other guy who has always been in her life during the worst things she has done.

    I will be calling my lawyer back as soon as I can. But as of this moment... I have done all I can.
    That's the best you can do. And my personal feelings are that CPS doesn't do half the work they should - I know someone whose apartment was raided by the police who found a BUNCH of drugs all over the place; they then contacted CPS because she had a 6-year-old. You know what CPS did with the case? Nothing. Her parents went to court and did end up receiving guardianship of the child but CPS did absolutely nothing.

    So yes, write everything down - dates, times, events, statements, etc. Make sure you run everything past your lawyer and allow them to deal with it. That's the best you can do at this point.
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    #19

    Feb 9, 2011, 04:23 PM

    You I have been saving/recording our conversations, whether they are on phone or through email.
    If I am ever around her, I plan to keep my phone recording. The last time I was there the grandfather started screaming at me because baby was crying (needed to burp)

    So I have been trying to keep track of everything. To be honest, from 12/1/10 to feb1st... its all a blur, I had to sit down and write it all out just to remember the exact dates.
    Her mental change, and the change in our relationship all happened very fast.
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    #20

    Feb 24, 2011, 12:29 PM

    Just an update on the situation. I have found an old gmail conversation she had with another guy (less then a year and a half ago) of her talking about smoking weed everyday, doing shrooms, and ectasy(sp?). She has also told me she use to do cocaine, and would over medicate on perscription drugs.
    She still believes drugs are OK, and has told me she wouldn't care if she caught our son doing them. I have emails of her demanding I give her money, or my phone, or I can't see my son. The marriage counselor we had gone to (and didn't go again because she didn't want to, she wanted to see a psychiatrist because they perscribe meds) well he has since made it known he is willing to break confidence because he felt very concerned by some of the things she had said. She has told me in the last few months, that she has been hallucinating, having delusions (mostly of her head floating above her body etc) this coupled with the suicide comment scares me.

    I have legitimate concerns about her ability to care for our son in the long term. She is living with her grandparents at the moment, who are very controlling and even her mother(my soon to be ex wife's mother) has said that she does not want them having anything to do with taking care of our son.
    She has no job, as far as I know, and is generally a very trashy person. She will wear the same clothes for a week straight. She will blow her money on self indulgent items. And refuse me getting anything for our son.
    I have conversations with her, with her telling me that her whole family thinks she is crazy and needs to see a psychiatrist. And her saying that maybe she does etc.
    She has now resorted to lies to keep me from seeing my son, or being able to take him over night.
    1) my parents smoke around the baby. Which is not now, or ever true.
    2) if the above is dispelled, then my friends will do drugs around him. Which again is not true, and I have told the 2 friends I have that might do drugs, if I ever smell it, or feel they are on anything, they will not be allowed over
    And 3) she is afraid I'm going to take him, and run. My lawyer thinks that is BS, because if it were true, she wouldn't let me see him at all. (this last week before court I get to see him 2hrs at a neutral place 4 times.) But that was set up by the lawyers.

    I believe her lawyer is the reason I have seen my son at all.

    Also, her lawyer has only been practicing in Texas for 2 years, mine 26 years. So I am hoping experience helps.

    Also I have chats with her, of her describing how her mom abused her (mostly emotionally) and how she has since done the same to me, telling me constantly that she wishes my mother would die, and my friends are all child molestors. (all of my friends are parents, with visitation or custody, and have never had such a complaint) \

    Also, I can see her "recent uploads" on photo bucket, and in the last 50 pictures, maybe 10 are of our son, while the rest are of herself(presumably to send to her new bf) and the new boyfriend. Just today there is a naked picture (from chest up without showing nipple)

    Sigh... it feels like she is digging a hole, but it just does not feel like that hole is big enough yet.

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