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    spring15's Avatar
    spring15 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 9, 2015, 11:18 AM
    Sole Legal Custody and what that covers
    I have sole legal custody of my 16 year old. She goes to her dads house every other weekend and I recently found out that she is working someplace and neither one of them talked to me about this. What can I do about this? I would think that falls under a major life decision, but I don't know what to do or say.
    AK lawyer's Avatar
    AK lawyer Posts: 12,592, Reputation: 977
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    #2

    Mar 9, 2015, 02:13 PM
    It may be a " major life decision", but a 16 year-old getting a job isn't something with which either parent has to agree.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,273, Reputation: 5644
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    #3

    Mar 9, 2015, 02:57 PM
    Unless she is stripping or prostituting you should be proud she has a work ethic at the age of 16.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #4

    Mar 9, 2015, 04:18 PM
    Sounds like there is a lot of issues between the man and the women, and the child is caught in the middle. While yes, the child should have told you, it sounds like you have a problem with it, (why?) a 16 if their grades are good should be working, and you should be supportive.

    If ex and child are hiding things, it is, in my opinion, only because you have tried to cause trouble every time they do things.

    Normally, you have the control of the majority of the things, the ex has limited control while child is with them.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #5

    Mar 9, 2015, 06:21 PM
    I agree with the others. This sounds like more YOUR problem. A 16 yr old, in most places, does not need parental permission to get a job. So, no, this is not a major life decision that you have to be involved in.

    What I'd like to know is why she didn't tell you about it?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,052, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Mar 10, 2015, 07:27 AM
    Pay attention, your daughter obviously doesn't feel as you do about her dad, and has a better relationship with him than you do, which is entirely understandable. Holding her too close under your authority,will only push her away further, since it's telling you were kept in the dark about her job.

    I would hope you would relax, and encourage as well as support her, as well as your ex in this, because to be fair, you are a limited influence in THEIR relationship, and while you have legal authority, and can fight and enforce your will, you will alienate them both against you.

    This doesn't have to be a bad thing unless you choose to make it one in my honest opinion. Something to be very thoughtful about, because NO DOUBT in my mind a big fight now with her in the middle will bring more harm than good in the long run.

    LOL, no doubt either, your daughter, a young woman really, is as willful and tough as I think YOU are, but I don't see you winning THIS battle, but there will be OTHERS. Trust me on that.
    spring15's Avatar
    spring15 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 10, 2015, 11:45 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    Sounds like there is a lot of issues between the man and the women, and the child is caught in the middle. While yes, the child should have told you, it sounds like you have a problem with it, (why?) a 16 if their grades are good should be working, and you should be supportive.

    If ex and child are hiding things, it is, in my opinion, only because you have tried to cause trouble every time they do things.

    Normally, you have the control of the majority of the things, the ex has limited control while child is with them.

    To make a long story short the father only started seeing her recently and was not present for the last 13 years. So basically for the last 4 months he as been present and since then her grades have gotten bad in school, she lies about things to me and my husband, and she keeps things from us. When we discipline her by taking her phone she says things like you can't take it my dad said you can't. It has quite honestly been quite the struggle the last 4 months, we did not have this kind of problem previously.
    While I agree whole heartedly that having a job is good work ethic the job is not in our town and she does not have her license or her own vehicle yet. She can get her license in 2 months, however she does not have a vehicle and both my husband and myself have full time jobs so am not able to run her around or afford to do so for that matter.
    I have asked the school counselor to talk with her as well to try to figure out what else we can do to get her back on track in school. I am doing everything I can to try to make the situation as smooth as possible. Hope this sheds a little bit of light on the situation.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #8

    Mar 10, 2015, 12:36 PM
    Yes it does help, thank you. So the first step you need to take is to sit down with her father and make sure you present a united front. Make sure he checks with you before taking actions and vice versa.

    If he refuses, then you may need to go back to court to curtail his visitation as having a bad influence.

    You also may need to go for joint counseling to find out what she has changed.
    spring15's Avatar
    spring15 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 10, 2015, 01:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    Yes it does help, thank you. So the first step you need to take is to sit down with her father and make sure you present a united front. Make sure he checks with you before taking actions and vice versa.

    If he refuses, then you may need to go back to court to curtail his visitation as having a bad influence.

    You also may need to go for joint counseling to find out what she has changed.
    Thank you for your response. It really helps to get some advice.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,052, Reputation: 10852
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    #10

    Mar 10, 2015, 03:53 PM
    Its not hard for teen agers to manipulate divided parent. Maybe dad will have to see that for himself. Now would be as good a time as any. I sort of figured there was tension between you, and your daughter.

    You and your ex need to set some boundaries as Scott said, a UNITED front. That's probably at the root of the problem. Lack of honest communications between mom, and dad, or good cooperation that undermines good co parenting.

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