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jesscake · Dec 8, 2009, 07:59 PM

Hi. I joined here in desperate need of advice and I hope someone can help. I am recently back in communication with my ex,who I spent two and a half years with, on and off. We have become friends again but the problem is, I'm still very much in love with him. I have told him this (on a very embarrassing drunken night) and he has said that we can't get back together because it won't work. I know what he means, in the past I have broken up with him 3 times for different reasons but we always got back together. I hear what he's saying but, I'm finding it hard to let go.
Also, we have been emailing each other pretty much everyday, sometimes up to 4 times a day, because we now live in different towns. Whenever I come back, we always meet up to see a movie and go for drink, sometimes ending back at his, although we never sleep together.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose his friendship but this is killing me. To hear that he never wants to get back with me is like breaking up all over again. I've been in love before with other guys but it's never been like this. He has only ever really been with me. I'm 23, he's 24.
Please help!

friend4u178 · Dec 8, 2009, 08:07 PM

The only way to heal properly and get out of the emotional turmoil is to go complete No Contact until your feelings for him have subsided.

You can always be friends later on.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 8, 2009, 08:16 PM

2nd that.

No Contact is the best thing. You know in reality you guys will never be going out again. The only way to move forward and move on is to end the contact you have right now.

vanheart · Dec 8, 2009, 08:37 PM

Yes, NC.

He doesn't want what you want.

Don't be friends.

Gemini54 · Dec 8, 2009, 08:52 PM

You need to stop seeing him. It's doing your head in and your heart keeps yearning for something you can't have.

Your mind says to you – “I just want to be friends with him”, but in reality this is just your heart saying - "there might be a chance, if I hang around and pretend to be his friend he might want me again." Dang that heart!

If you really want to heal and put this behind you, then you must cease contact. Emailing 4 times a day is not going to do your heart any good, neither is seeing a movie, having a drink or going back to his place. (You will be tempted eventually to have sex – just for old times sake, and to persuade him to get back with you.)

Eventually he will move on and be much less available to you. Start the process of healing by deciding to detach emotionally and physically. The fact that there IS physical distance between you is in your favour.

Listen to what he's telling you, not your hopes (and fears), as far as he's concerned the relationship is over. Start dealing with it by protecting your heart!

vanheart · Dec 8, 2009, 09:05 PM

Exactly. Mend your heart. Detach yourself.

His actions are what's important & he wants out. You have different expectations.

Hes not the end all & obviously neither were you to him. Don't hang on. Only brings weakness and indecison.

Now, you need to deal & go no contact forever. Move on with your life.

Continuing doing this will certainly bring you loads of pain.

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 02:33 AM

When it's over, it's over. Once you accept that and let go of all false hope of getting back together again, you can concentrate on your healing so that your life can move forward.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2009, 05:07 AM

I don't want to lose his friendship but this is killing me. To hear that he never wants to get back with me is like breaking up all over again.

Its not his friendship your worried about, you just want to keep him in your life because you want to get back together. That's not what he wants though.

He has said that we can't get back together because it won't work

That's a very clear signal to give up on getting back together.

Leave him alone, and heal from the break up, and then his friendship will be better, and you can enjoy it.

jesscake · Dec 9, 2009, 09:22 AM

Hi guys,
Thanks for the advice it seems pretty clear cut. I think I will try to distance myself, although it's hard as he's one of my best friends, but you're right and I need to let go.

jesscake · Dec 9, 2009, 09:50 AM

Okay, just one more thing. I appreciate all your responses and I realise that you will all realise that I'm just some other, love sick fool(which I am) but the problem here is this.
We were close friends before we ever went out, he's one of my best friends now and I'm one of his. The whole email thing wasn't one sided. It's not like I'm mailing him 4 times a day and he's not responding! In fact, he's been really nice and helping me out with an arts project that I'm doing right now as he's an animator.
Is there really no other way to get over this herdal, other than to severe all contact? I did actually do that for 10 months last year and it didn't make the situation any easier.
I guess what I'm asking for is some possible ways to maintain the friendship and help me to understand that we just have a platonic relationship now.
Thanks

I wish · Dec 9, 2009, 09:53 AM

You can rekindle your platonic friendship...

... once you've healed from the pains of the break up...

... once your feelings for him are gone...

... once you stop having false hope that you will get back together.

If you were really friends before, then it won't be hard to pick up your friendship from where you left off.

If you were meant to be friends, you would both understand that you need to fully recover from this break up before restarting your friendship so that you don't prolong the pain and suffering.