[Hazel1220]

I am a 28 yr old single mom. My son is 3 yrs old and his father and I have an out of court legal agreement of split custody. We both abide by this and pay for our son while each of us has him. Obviously if there are any medical bills we split them but aside from the hardship of missing our child while he is with the other parent, we manage just fine. His father lives in Arizona and I just moved from Denver to Portland, OR.

While in Denver I met and fell in love with a man. He was hardworking, sweet, and good to both me and my son. Downside. Twice we drank too much and got physical with each other. In NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM, am I saying this is OK, on either of our parts. We have worked very hard at our relationship and made lifestyle changes to ensure that we address any issues that we have as individuals and as a couple. By the way, my son was never around for these instances. We do not drink at home or even drink that often at all.

Needless to say my dad and his partner were not happy. No matter what I say, or any steps I take ( victims groups, reading books, counseling etc etc) they still refer to him as " the abuser". Also anybody knows, it takes two to tango. I am not saying I deserved it, but I was equally responsible for these situations. I am totally ashamed of this as well as my man.

My son and I moved to Portland for the summer and are staying with the Grandpas. I am now told by them if I go back to CO as I intend to in the Fall to finish school, they tell me I am out of their life for good and that they will be asking the fathers side to have my son for good. I also think that they will be trying to go behind my back and take away my parental rights, all because I am with a man they do not approve of.

We are both hardworking, drug free, smart, educated, loving people. We no longer drink and provide a safe and happy home. Both times in these unfortunate instances, the police were called but charges were dropped. I am not a needy woman and would in no way shape or form ever stay with an abuser or someone who treats me like crap. I would also NEVER stay in a situation which would be unsafe for my son. This is a man who makes our lives better and adds to our fun and happiness.

My question is, do my dad and his partner legally have a leg to stand on? Could they take my son away from me because of past discretions which are no longer in the picture? Any advice on how to protect myself and my son ? Please help. Sorry for the long post.

[JudyKayTee]

Can your father (and his partner) cause you to lose your son? Yes, if they call CPS (or whatever it's called in your area) and PROVE you (or your partner) are a danger to your son. Can they "take" your son and "keep" him"? No. Children are not property.

Could they notify the child's father and could HE file in Court to get 100% custody, physical custody, anything in between? Yes.

My concern is - how long ago did this happen? Was anyone arrested?

You aren't going to like this but "good, sweet" people don't get physical with their female partner. Alcohol is no excuse.

Depending on the circumstances, yes, the Court could decide that either or both of you could become a danger to the child. Of course, if you father testifies against you you will have a difficult case to prove from your side.

I am guessing that your father isn't taking this position simply to give you a rough time.

[ScottGem]

The likelihood of this is very small. They would have to prove you completely unfit as a parent or your new man a danger to the child.

However, one of the mistakes you have made is to not have your custody of the your child ratified by a court.

Frankly I would go back to CO early, but not let them know your plans. Buy your tickets without informing them. This will force them to file any court action in CO.

[JudyKayTee]

A little research took me to this thread - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addict...up-264507.html.

I don't know if this is the same boyfriend or someone else but this chills me to the quick. I see why your father is concerned. Is this two bad choices in boyfriends or one:

To quote you: "I came home the other night after being out with friends for a birthday ( I never go out anymore) and my baby boy was screaming and yelling and crying on the kitchen floor and my boyfriend was passed out on the couch. They had fallen asleep with the baby on his stomach and he had rolled off and hit the floor. No one knows how long he had been on the floor or if he had been knocked out. I am and was furious. this is an extreme case he is not always like this but to me this is unacceptable. He has also pushed me around while holding the baby making him cry."

If your father has this information and decides you (and your boyfriend) are a danger to the child, if he believes your behavior has not changed, I believe he can make an argument for you to have limited custody or limited visitation. The larger question will be where the father of the child stands in this picture.

This is two violent relationships during the child's relatively short lifetime. Does this make you unfit? I don't know. It does call your lifestyle into question.

[ScottGem]

Reading your previous thread, I can also see why your father questions your choices of boyfriends. We have, maybe 3 instances (your child's father, and one maybe two boyfriends) of questionable relationships.

The thing is, they will have to prove that you are unfit as a mother. That will be a very hard thing to do.

[JudyKayTee]

I now see another thread in which OP states she is "addicted" to relationships with men who drink - this is not the second such relationship. It possibly is the third (or even farther down the line).

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addict...ps-296147.html

I am guessing the father knows all about the problems in the past. I think an argument could be made that these relationships are toxic for the child. Only time (and filing) will tell. I don't think it's going to be about abuse. I think it's going to be about what is in the child's best interest.

Time for OP to shape up if she doesn't want to lose custody. I don't really know what's in the best interest of the child. That's for a Court to determine.

[Hazel1220]

Thank you for the responses. A few things, I totally understand about the alcohol is not an excuse. I agree which is why we have both stopped drinking and made better choices in our lives and sought out help for our personal underlying issues. I am a firm believer in seeing a person for everything, good bad and ugly. WE ALL have our personal demons. What stands out to me is a persons desire to grow as a person and change negatives. If this was a strong part of his personality I would not hesitate to leave. We both see that we cannot handle it and are both seeking counseling help. I know many couples who have come back from far worse, drug use, cheating, etc etc. and worked on their relationship and gone on stronger and better than before.
I am on good terms with my sons father and he and I have talked about this. He got to know this man and likes him. He said if anything like this happened again especially if our son was around he would take action. I don't disagree because I would do the same thing.
I am not an unfit parent, and neither is my man. We have steady jobs and want to build a life together. I just need to make sure that they can't swoop in with their money and just take my son because they " think" we aren't good enough. Since I am a good parent I know they won't find anything but I still get scared cause my son is my life. Thank a lot guys.

By the way, I know a lot of people reading this will not understand my reasoning for staying with this man. All I can say is that we both " messed up" big time. But he and I are not abusers and from my previous posts a long time ago, I have no problem leaving one no matter how hard it is. We both own up to our mistakes and change it. We have open communication and honesty with ourselves and each other. We are making life changes and it is turning out wonderful.

[ScottGem]

I now see another thread in which OP states she is "addicted" to relationships with men who drink - this is not the second such relationship. It possibly is the third (or even farther down the line).

And it apparently didn't stop in 2008 when she admits to having a problem.

The father of her apparently also had a problem; "just split from my last boyfriend who I had a wonderful baby with and am now questioning why do I find these guys." Yet he is OK to have her child stay will him for protracted periods since they live in different states. I wonder if that's why he has agreed to staying out of the courts.

But my original response still stands. Though I'm not sure if it will be as hard to prove unfitness as I originally thought.

[JudyKayTee]

I am not an unfit parent, and neither is my man. We have steady jobs and want to build a life together. I just need to make sure that they can't swoop in with their money and just take my son because they " think" we arent good enough. Since I am a good parent I know they wont find anything but I still get scared cause my son is my life. Thank alot guys.

No, they can't swoop in and take your son. "They" would have to prove you are unfit or a danger.

You haven't answered my questions - was anyone arrested during the last go around; how long ago was that; why is your father threatening to take your child?

[Hazel1220]

Sorry. No one was arrested. He was taken to detox. No charges. This was about 9 months ago. There are a lot of issues with my dad and myself. We have this on going battle. Although I know he loves me, we have these problems when I don't agree with what he says and then he escalates the issue instead of talking about it as an adult. I am told daily that me not finishing college means I shouldn't be respected, my content of character isn't most important etc. etc. We have different definitions of success. There are a lot of things going on here with our relationship. I feel he is taking his own shortcomings as a dad to me and my bro and over compensating with my son. What is funny is that he talks about how bad abuse it but I totally remember him hitting and throwing objects at me as a kid. And, just last week he threw a plate at me and missed and just about took my sons face off with it. All I am asking is for honesty, trust and open communication. No one is perfect. But I respect honesty.
And yes, there have been some points in the past where I made some choices that were not the best, however, I am not an unfit parent no matter what your judgement is. Yes, coming to this site I realize that I am opening up to strangers and cannot control the responses. I am OK with that. I am not out every night, drinking , doing drugs, I am not in and out of jail, parading different men in and out of my sons life.He is vibrant, smart, loves the universe and is a beautiful person. I am opening up and being honest about difficulties that I have and am experiencing in my life. I am not an unfit parent, I have just made some unwise personal choices in the past. My goal is always moving forward and better. We have all messed up. I am just honest about it and willing to open up with it and change for the better. Thanks guys!

[joypulv]

You asked this under Family Law. People here are looking at it from the court's possible view of fit or unfit. Recorded events such as 911 calls, arrests, detox, DUIs, ER visits, school reports - those are what count the most, while the court listens to your story.

I am wondering, you both have steady jobs yet all 3 of you living with your father? Is that so he can babysit? It may be very frustrating for him to be back in a parenting role for his daughter, some guy he doesn't even like, and his grandchild, as much as he is frustrated about you not going to college. I hope you can separate the two and act appreciative, whether you like him or not. Perhaps getting an apartment nearby would be a positive step while also reducing the disapproval from your father.

[JudyKayTee]

If charges are brought the Court will decide. The more that OP posts, the less I understand. I absolutely agree with "Joypulv." Why would 2 adults and a child live with the mother's father and stepmother when both adults are employed, hard working and drug free, PARTICULARLY when there are issues between the mother and her father, issues which involve past and possibly presently abuse by her father, the child's grandfather.

Upon reading this entire thread a second time I realize that the mother's father, the child's grandfather, is "threatening" to take the side of the child's father when it comes to custody of the child: "they tell me I am out of their life for good and that they will be asking the fathers side to have my son for good. I also think that they will be trying to go behind my back and take away my parental rights, all because I am with a man they do not approve of." The part about "my father wants custody" is an afterthought.

A prudent person faced with disapproving and threatening grandparents who have stated they would take the father's side in a custody battle and perhaps even suggest such a custody battle to the mother would run from the grandparents' house, live somewhere else, remove the child from the abusive-in-the-past grandfather and, more importantly, live a life which does NOT involve the grandfather having a daily front row seat.

I see excuses and explanations. Now it's time to take action. The father/grandfather has certainly made threats. I think he could have ammunition. Now if the time to be proactive and take steps to ensure that the mother makes the best impression possible if this goes to Court.

The boyfriend was taken to detox but he doesn't have a drinking problem? Not in NY, perhaps in other States.

[Hazel1220]

Thank you for the responses. Sorry if it seems a bit confusing , there is just a lot going on and difficult to sort in out in a short blurb. I came up to Portland without my boyfriend. My son and I are staying at granddads house while I am working to save up for my own place. Boyfriend is working out of state . Originally came up here because grandfather offered us a place to stay and to watch my son while I worked. I would never just impose myself on someone else's life uninvited.
This move has not gone as intended. Sometimes that happens. After everything going on with grandpa, yes, I am trying to get the heck out of here. JudyKay, you are right about that!
My sons father knows about the past transgressions between my boyfriend me. He has no intention of filing for full custody. I do appreciate everyone's input here.
He was taken to Detox and was there for about 6 hours. We both agree that drinking IS a problem. Not in the sense that it is something he or I do very often, But we have shown we cannot drink responsibly. Therefore, we cut it out.

[JudyKayTee]

I wish you well in a very complicated situation. I'm at a loss as to why (you've posted you are both employed) you moved to your father's house in the first place, particularly when the relationship between the two of you appears to be, at best, abusive.

Your father was abusive to you and now you are exposing your son to that same person?

At any rate I've said all I have to say. I wish you well and I think you should get the heck out of there. What the father of the child says now and what he'll say tomorrow may very well be two different things. Just be aware -

[Hazel1220]

Thank you. Yes, complicated is an understatement. Yes, you are right. Once his dad gets back from Alaska for the summer I will be getting something in writing from him. I really do appreciate everyone's input and help.

[JudyKayTee]

Please let us know how this works out.

What do you want to get in writing from the father? He can't waive his rights, and one of those rights is seeking custody of his son should he feel a need to do so.

[Hazel1220]

I am not looking for sole custody. He is a good father. His son very much needs his dad in his life. I am looking to get in writing some sort of agreement about our split custody. We have decided we are amicable enough to not have to deal with the messy business of courts however I feel that it is smart to have something in writing to protect myself and him as well.

[ScottGem]

I am not looking for sole custody. He is a good father. His son very much needs his dad in his life. I am looking to get in writing some sort of agreement about our split custody. We have decided we are amicable enough to not have to deal with the messy business of courts however I feel that it is smart to have something in writing to protect myself and him as well.

And I feel you make a mistake by NOT dealing with the courts. If you are amicable and in agreement about your parenting plan, then put it together and get it ratified by the court. Otherwise it has little if any weight.

Going to court does not have to be a battle if the parties are in agreement.

[JudyKayTee]

An agreement between the two of you is a big mistake. It would be unenforceable.

[Hazel1220]

So best bet is to sit down with my sons father and write our agreement and then take it to a judge for him/her to sign? Do lawyers need to be involved?