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    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 15, 2006, 01:28 PM
    Question about modifying a visitation order?
    Hi there. I have a question in regards to modifying a visitation order. My ex right now has reasonable and liberal visitation. He is an over the road truck driver and pops in and out of town whenever. He does give me notice but I have attempted many times to try to talk to him about coming to some type of arrangement for visitation. Now mind you we had a nasty break up and I have been more than generous in seeing his daughter. But I don't feel that it is fair that I feel like I'm living my life around him. He took her for Christmas weekend then it was 3 weeks before she saw him again. But it seems that every time we talk we end up arguing and it is never about our daughter, it's always about him! I didn't pick his job he did. When we were together he always managed to be home when he wanted to if there was something that he wanted to do. Now he says that he wants her 3 days, then I have her for 4 days and vice versa. I don't like that idea either. I just wish that we could come to some type of agreement without having to go through the courts, but I think that is my only option and I know that he will drag it out in court.

    Am I being unreasonable or not? What should I do?
    cdh's Avatar
    cdh Posts: 54, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    Jan 15, 2006, 04:52 PM
    It is best for your child to come to a mutual agreement and keep it friendly. I am a single father myself however my ex is good about letting me get him when I can. I travel a lot with work myself and it makes it easy when we get along. If my son was not in the picture I probably would not speak to her again. By keeping it friendly and that means sacrifice by both of you your child will be much better off assuming that your ex doesn't do anything that would endanger the child.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 760
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    #3

    Jan 15, 2006, 06:35 PM
    Has there been an actual court order stipulating days and times for visitation? If so, then he should stick to it. If the present order is inconveinient for him because of his work schedule, then he should return to court to have it modified. If he won't do this then you should file a motion in court yourself. Visitation orders are worthless if nobody's going to adhere to them. Out of fairness to all involved, custodial parent, non-custodial parent and child alike, the visitation order that is established should be one that all parties can reasonably adhere to while preserving the rights of all concerned.
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jan 16, 2006, 01:23 PM
    There are a lot of undermining reasons we don't get along. When I left him, he stalked me for a period and I had him arrested for it. He has also involved Social Services in regards to the man that I am with now with some very damaging accusations. This has been - - excuse my french - - Hell on all of us. I have been very generous when he requests to see his daughter and I have bent over backwards for this man. No, there isn't any visitation schedule besides that the fact that he can have liberal and reasonable visitation with his daughter. It's just not working for me anymore. I have tried to get his family to help out with visitation, like his mother come pick up our daughter and he even ticked her off so that she no longer is willing to mediate between us. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to be civil about all of this.
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #5

    Jan 16, 2006, 01:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetbutnotsour9
    This has been - - excuse my french - - Hell on all of us.
    Ummm, that is not French. Sounds and reads more like English to me.

    Stop being civil with this man, since you obviously don't want to. Don't let him see his kid anymore. Make him go to court go get some sort of visitation schedule worked out. Don't give him leeway anymore.

    That will show that Fils de pute. Now, thatís French! :)
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jan 16, 2006, 03:16 PM
    Stop being civil with this man, since you obviously don't want to. Don't let him see his kid anymore. Make him go to court go get some sort of visitation schedule worked out. Don't give him leeway anymore.


    That kind of makes me feel that I'm not being reasonable! I'm not trying to keep him away from her at all. But it is starting to affect my current relationship because he keeps interfering. Not just with his petty threats or even his existence, what he did was wrong, very wrong and he feels that it was not his fault at all. :(
    CaptainForest's Avatar
    CaptainForest Posts: 3,645, Reputation: 393
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    #7

    Jan 16, 2006, 03:29 PM
    If its starting to affect your current relationship, keeping him away IS the reasonable thing to do. Is this the way you want to show your daughter how a man can treat a woman?

    Until he learns to get his act in order (or at least goes to court to get visitation), keep him away since he obviously doesn't deserve to be around any kids if he treats you like this.
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jan 16, 2006, 04:56 PM
    Deep down inside I know what I should do, but I just don't want to give him any crutch to stand on in court. He has numerous times told me he was tape recording our conversations and that he will use them in court against me, because I let him push my buttons. I don't want anything to do with him whatsoever. I would rather go through the courts and use an officer of the court instead of dealing with him at all.

    And no I do not want my baby girl to be exposed to any of this. It's not her fault that her father is this way. I never say anything bad about him around her, never would. I told him before that if she grows up to hate him not blame it on me cause he did it to himself. But she is only 3 and she does need her father, I'm not denying him that. He just needs to accommodate his daughter rather than try to harass or try to control me by using her.:)
    Sosdog's Avatar
    Sosdog Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
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    #9

    Jan 23, 2006, 05:07 PM
    You don't have to do anything you don't want. If your court filed papers suggest nothing more than 'reasonable visitation' then it would be assumable that reasonable, being a subjective word, is related to what 'you' feel is reasonable. Not what 'he' feels is reasonable.

    Although I can't say I've ever heard of a visitation schedule referred to in that sense.

    Sos
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,268, Reputation: 7690
    Expert
     
    #10

    Jan 23, 2006, 06:10 PM
    Court
    Quote Originally Posted by Sweetbutnotsour9
    Hi there. I have a question in regards to modifying a visitation order. My ex right now has reasonable and liberal visitation. He is an over the road truck driver and pops in and out of town whenever. He does give me notice but I have attempted many times to try to talk to him about coming to some type of arrangement for visitation. Now mind you we had a nasty break up and I have been more than generous in seeing his daughter. But I don't feel that it is fair that I feel like I'm living my life around him. He took her for Christmas weekend then it was 3 weeks before she saw him again. But it seems that everytime we talk we end up arguing and it is never about our daughter, it's always about him! I didn't pick his job he did. When we were together he always managed to be home when he wanted to if there was something that he wanted to do. Now he says that he wants her 3 days, then I have her for 4 days and vice versa. I don't like that idea either. I just wish that we could come to some type of agreement without having to go thru the courts, but I think that is my only option and I know that he will drag it out in court.

    Am I being unreasonable or not? What should I do?

    It is always best if the two of your can come up with an agreement. And even then it is only as good and as long as the two of you agree unless you go though court it won't be binding.

    Divorce and child custody is never easy and also hard on the child, they often can feel the trouble and sometimes feel it is "their fault" sometimes.
    So be sure you both let the child know both of you love them and nothing is their fault
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jan 23, 2006, 06:22 PM
    Well, here is the situation. I have recently gone to the family court office, I had to get a referral from the probation dept, they told me to try mediation, which I am all for as long as we can come to some type of agreement. All I am looking for is some type of set schedule so this way I don't feel as though I'm living my life around him. I have moved on and he needs to. Well, I got the letter today that he has denied the mediation. Now I will be forced to go to court.

    He decided to call me today and state that I was refusing him his right to see his daughter and that I was mad because he refused the mediation. He brought up a lot of things that have happened in the past and wanted to argue. God forbid he speak like an adult and think this through logically, because what he doesn't seem to understand that this has nothing to with him personally. If anything with a court order of visitation, then I'd think it would be giving him more time with his daughter. But he seems to think that I am doing this to get back at him for the past. I have moved on. I'm happy and I don't think that I owe him anything in anyway.
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jan 23, 2006, 06:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Sosdog
    you dont have to do anything you dont want. if your court filed papers suggest nothing more than 'reasonable visitation' then it would be assumable that reasonable, being a subjective word, is related to what 'you' feel is reasonable. not what 'he' feels is reasonable.

    although i can't say ive ever heard of a visitation schedule referred to in that sense.

    Sos
    It started with the last weekend he had her, he asked me about taking her the following weekend, I told him to call me during the middle of week. He stated that he would call Thursday. I never heard anything from him until Saturday, whereas he stated that he called twice and that I was denying him seeing his daughter and that if I didn't want him to see her that all I had to do was say no. Had he called when he said he was going to I wouldn't have made other plans. I can'tr sitaround and wait for him for the rest of my life whenever he feels its convienent for him to see his daughter. Do you see what I am saying here about this man.


    :confused:
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jan 23, 2006, 06:26 PM
    Oh yeah I forgot he called me a liar several times today. I was lying about nothing, had he actually called he knows I would have called him back!
    Sosdog's Avatar
    Sosdog Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
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    #14

    Jan 24, 2006, 06:43 PM
    The issue is still the same. If you feel your being reasonable, then he cannot do anything about it except go back to court and have the judge set a schedule for visitation.

    Also, to set your mind at ease somewhat, the burden of proving that you are not allowing him any time at all is on him. He simply cannot say 'i called and she didn't answer' he would have to documented the time he called, day, how many times etc.. The easiest way to deal with this is to make a log when he calls. Every time he calls. What the discussion was about. Length of call and such. Also do the same thing when you call him. Keep a log. Leave messages for him with other people to add some validity that you did return his call.

    Until he decides to give you proper notice on visitations, and keeps to the arranged meetings, then I wouldn't go out of the way to please his schedule. Don't withhold visitation if he sets up a time and actually makes it though.


    Also, if you want some advice (your lawyer should have told you this) when he does call. Don't make chit chat. Keep the conversation on the topic. Your daughter and his visitation. If he refuses to stay on that topic, then tell him to call you back when he wants to talk about the issue and not attack you personally.

    Good luck with this.

    Keep your ducks in a row and hopefully it will turn out OK.

    Sos

    p.s. and just FYI, do some research about 'termination of parental rights' this is something that you should be aware of. Its not nice, but, unfortunately, its sometimes necessary.

    Sos
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Jan 24, 2006, 06:58 PM
    I do all of that now. I do keep logs for myself and I do notate what the conversation was about and I do have phone records and I always have a witness with me when he calls or when I go to drop off our daughter. I'm just tired of the all the crap! But thank you!
    Sosdog's Avatar
    Sosdog Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
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    #16

    Jan 24, 2006, 07:11 PM
    You seem to be doing very well the.

    Have you tried yoga?

    I wish you the best in keeping your hair brown or blond or red, anything but gray. Which it must already be starting to turn with what your dealing with.

    Herbal tea.

    Play some video games.

    Why I say this is because, if you're a normal person, your going to brood over this situation constantly. It will affect everything you try and do because your mind will always be preoccupied.

    You must be able to live. Relax. Enjoy.

    Best of luck with that too. I didn't have much success with it when I went through this situation.

    Sos
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jan 25, 2006, 07:22 AM
    Thank you!
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jan 25, 2006, 07:23 AM
    I am relaxed when I don't think about the situation. I have a meeting with my lawyer on Friday and I think everything will be fine from there.
    Sweetbutnotsour9's Avatar
    Sweetbutnotsour9 Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jan 29, 2006, 06:41 AM
    Well, I've talked to my lawyer. I just wanted to let everyone know what I have decided to do. I am going to leave the visitation as is. I have sole and full custody of my daughter and I am not going to drag him into court. No longer am I going to deal with his threats thanks to my lawyer and Sosdog. I'm taking that advise. Both of you have stated (maybe not in so many words), that if I do say no than I'm not breaking any law. The custody papers state visitation is to be as liberal and reasonable as both parties may agree. If I don't agree then I'm not breaking any laws. But I'm putting my foot down and refuse to take any more of his crap. The sooner he realizes this, the better off everyone will be. Why should I drag him into court when right now when I technically have the power to not let him run my life.

    I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies and the advice that I have received.

    Thank you!
    Sosdog's Avatar
    Sosdog Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
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    #20

    Jan 31, 2006, 04:20 AM
    Correct answer. Your not breaking the law, and you have the position of preference. Don't take him to court, make him take you if that is what he wishes to do.

    Good luck in the future.

    Sos

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