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    I don't know what I am doing wrong with my daughter

    Asked May 12, 2012, 11:57 AM 5 Answers
    I see my daughter when her mother feels that she wants her to come over even though we have a court order from 6yrs ago. I will admit I missed the first year of my daughter's life, was in doubt that she was mine, but as soon as I got the DNA results, I made sure I paid my child support and got her as much as I could.

    Her mother and I have never gotten along especially because I don't agree with the mother's life styles. She has never been with a man for more than a year and always has some excuse as to why she had to leave him. Sometimes it's even more than 3 different guys within the year that my daughter is exposed to.

    When my daughter was 3, her mother and I got into a huge fight which resulted in me not being able to see my daughter for 8 months. I don't have a lot of money and I'm not poor but can't afford a lawyer. Then it got worse because one day out of the blue she decided that my daughter was OK to stay with me all of a sudden.

    I kept her from her mother for the summer vacation because she happened to be picking that time for the court order to go into effect. Then the mother was furious and decided to do all kinds of things and had constantly tried to keep my daughter from me. It got to the point where my daughter said she missed me and wanted to see me so the mother had no choice but to give in "to shut her up" as she said. This made me happy in a way because I knew that my daughter had missed me and wanted to see her father.

    Now what is happening is something I'm starting to see. Her mother lost custody to her son with another man and just got divorced from a different man after marrying this guy for 6months and only knowing him for 6months. Before you say anything, my wife and I only knew each other for 5 months when we got married, 7 years strong now.

    I understand not every relationship works out but its pretty ridiculous.The problem being my daughter is upset because she can't see her brother from the other man and knows that the other man does not love her and yesterday did something horrific to me and broke my heart. She is only 6 and will be 7 next month but when she got here and I've not seen her in 3 weeks she crys, kicks, and screams at the top of her lungs and I had to pull her out of the car while she's screaming and saying that she hates me.

    She loves playing with her brothers and sister here but the way she acted was just out of control and I talked to her and asked her what was wrong. Apparently, her mother had not seen her for 3 days prior to the drop off and my daughter missed her mom and her brother. This is where I get confused because after she calmed down, she is just fine and then today she spoke with her mother on the phone and started to get upset again and cry and I had to take the phone away before she got out of control again. I could understand if she was beaten, molested or anything like that but this is a 180 from the case here.

    She is loved, cared for, and she is never sent somewhere while I go away for days at a time. I make sure I'm off work, even call out sometimes just to make sure I can spend the time with her. The mother is unemployed for as long as I've known her and told my daughter she had to work and find a new place to live. The problem is, is that she is lying to my daughter and my daughter is too blind to see it and I don't exactly like to dog her mother in front of her.

    So what do I do to change my daughter's view and just to clear things up? I've been married to the same woman for 7 years now and we have 3 kids together so I've got 4 kids total and treat them equally and no I'm not out there just going from woman to woman and my daughter has a constant in her life over here.

    Last edited by Wondergirl; May 12, 2012 at 12:05 PM.
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    5 Answers
    hotchick93's Avatar
    hotchick93 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    May 12, 2012, 07:36 PM
    Just tell her what she needs to know nothing more
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,249, Reputation: 7689
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    #3

    May 12, 2012, 08:20 PM


    Do you talk about her mother and her life style around the child ?

    Do you have the phone on speaker when she talks to her mom from your home ?
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    cdad's Avatar
    cdad Posts: 12,687, Reputation: 1438
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    #4

    May 13, 2012, 12:12 PM
    Maybe what you need to do is seek a custody change. 7 years of unemployment without a valid excuse (medical reason) is grounds for improper parenting. Your daughter might be better off with you and a stable home. Throw in a little therapy to get over the humps and you can watch your daughter blossom. All children need stability. It is key to raising a healthy child.
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    MomWontGiveUp's Avatar
    MomWontGiveUp Posts: 179, Reputation: 9
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    #5

    May 14, 2012, 10:31 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by califdadof3 View Post
    Maybe what you need to do is seek a custody change. 7 years of unemployment without a valid excuse (medical reason) is grounds for improper parenting. Your daughter might be better off with you and a stable home. Throw in alittle therapy to get over the humps and you can watch your daughter blossom. All children need stability. It is key to raising a healthy child.
    It's been a long time since I've posted here but the '7 years of unemployment' jumped out at me. I'm not sure where legally this is grounds for improper parenting. My ex also hasn't worked for over 7 years but his parents make up the different by supporting them. In our courts, that is enough to show that the parent has means of support. Maybe mom hasn't worked for 7 years but she's somehow managing.

    I'm not advocating for Mom in this situation and agree that on the surface, it sounds like the little girl would do better in a stable home environment. But... my experience has been that unless you can prove the other parent is unfit (and it needs to be pretty severe), the courts are reluctant to make changes to status quo. Perhaps when the child is older, the desires of the child will have more bearing on the outcome of where the child resides. This is NOT to say that children can choose (legally) but in Oregon, their wishes have a HUGE impact on decisions made by the court.

    Just my 2 cents...
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    cdad's Avatar
    cdad Posts: 12,687, Reputation: 1438
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    #6

    May 14, 2012, 02:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by MomWontGiveUp View Post
    It's been a long time since I've posted here but the '7 years of unemployment' jumped out at me. I'm not sure where legally this is grounds for improper parenting. My ex also hasn't worked for over 7 years but his parents make up the different by supporting them. In our courts, that is enough to show that the parent has means of support. Maybe mom hasn't worked for 7 years but she's somehow managing.

    I'm not advocating for Mom in this situation and agree that on the surface, it sounds like the little girl would do better in a stable home environment. But... my experience has been that unless you can prove the other parent is unfit (and it needs to be pretty severe), the courts are reluctant to make changes to status quo. Perhaps when the child is older, the desires of the child will have more bearing on the outcome of where the child resides. This is NOT to say that children can choose (legally) but in Oregon, their wishes have a HUGE impact on decisions made by the court.

    Just my 2 cents...

    If through 7 years of unemployment there needs to bo some excuse for not being employed. If it is affecting the stability of the home and there are frequent changes in the home environment then in a case like this it may be possible to make a change. As you know every case has its own merrit. And we can't predict who is going to win what outcome. But if it has been 7 years since the last custody hearing the OP is well within their rights to ask questions and make changes if granted,
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