Hi, I'm new to this site and I browsed through a bunch of topics pertaining to my current situation but haven't quite found what I was looking for. I'm in NY state, for those that would have answers about NYS law pertaining to my questions.


My situation is this:

After a year of marriage I filed for a restraining order against my husband, as he was physically abusive towards me and neglectful of our son. I was a slave in my own house and wasn't allowed to do anything for my son. This included Doctors visits. I was unable to take him to the doctors office for his annual check ups and the likes. My husband would react in violent fits of rage if I did. With the help of my mother I was able to make it out of the relationship. That was 5 years ago. And I am still struggling to divorce this man. The biggest tie up in getting divorced is custody of my son. I have Sole Custody, and he's been granted visitations. However. Over the past 5 years of fighting in court. He still manages to disappear. He doesn't call or show up for visitations, and just when I think things will be settled in court he just like drops off the face of the earth. I can never find him. And time will go by and suddenly I'm summoned back into court about denying his visitations and the process begins all over again.

I'm currently in the middle of the proceedings once again, and once again we're fighting over his visitations. However, as of Dec 07 he has not shown up to see his son. He hasn't called or made any effort. All the numbers and addresses that I had on file to reach him are no longer of any use, he's had them disconnected or has moved. Seemingly to have started his vanishing act once again.

Over the past four years I have found someone else who has been fighting with me to get this divorce settled. And for the past 4 years he has also stepped in and acted like a father to my son. Not only has he stepped in to care for my son he has been finacialy supporting him as well. As my husband hasn't paid once cent of child support in the past 3 years. The two of us would like to see this settled so that we can move on. He is now my fiancée and would some day like to step up to legally adopt my son. I however fear that we'll be back at square one again if my husband pulls his vanishing act completely.

So my question(s) is/are.

How long before I can file child abandonment on my husband? Is there a certain length of time that must pass before one can file?

How long before the court systems will see this pattern and revoke his paternal rights?

What other course of actions are available to put an end to this seemingly endless cycle?


This has seriously been going on five years too long.. And any thoughts or comments would be most appreciative. My son has recently started school and my husbands most recent disappearing act is affecting my sons school work. My son will be 6 in march, and he doesn't understand why this man who used to show up on weekends and take him out suddenly just doesn't show anymore.

Not sure about the other 2 questions but as far as course of action goes you can try this.
Make sure the divorce is separate from child custody.. its suppose to be. Also if your sure you have a winning case against him then also file for lawyer fees so if he loses he has to pay. That doesn't release you from paying if he doesn't but he will soon figure out that its very expensive to keep playing games. Since the time of your separation has there been disolution of marriage papers filed yet ? Thos are different from separation papers. You need to find out so you can at least get half your life back. Not sure if that's how NYS works but it's a fairly standard rule to hold custody and divorce as separate issues. Make sure you have a good lawyer and good luck.

In the beginning of this whole fiasco they were separate cases. Since then Custody and Visitation was supposably settled. I have a standing court order of sole custody to myself, and his visitation schedule. However because he isn't satisfied with the Custody agreement he's brought it up as negotiations in the pending divorce, now everything is being held up by the visitation and custody thing again. He wants joint custody back again. It's the only way he can maintain control. There were never any papers filed for separation, instead using the fact that we lived in separate residence at the time was sufficient enough to start a divorce proceeding according to my lawyers in the past and present. My lawyers also stated because there was no joint possessions or property between us, the only thing stopping the divorce would be custody and visitations, which is why it was suppose to be settled before all this. And yet some how he managed to drag it into the mix. It's frustrating because no matter what's agreed on in court, at the end of the day he's got to sign it and agree to it, and he won't. He'll disappear before that happens, and I'll be forced to start all over again when he resurfaces demanding visitations and whatever else he wants a month, 2 months, to a year later. I just want it over and done with. But apparently he's holding true to his threat that I will never get away from him, I'll never have my divorce or my freedom. Which is where my questions stem from. :(

Your lawyer would know better then I would. But then again if he's suppose to agree to something and he's not doing it you can make it a court order and if he refuses to sign then either hold him in contempt or have it ratified by the judge even if he doesn't sign.
I guess the laws of your state are different because I was under the understanding that you can divorce even though the custody portion isn't settled. Since it had been already then Im not sure why they are hanging it up. Someone here may know the answer.

If you have read other threads here, you should know there is no such thing as filing for child abandonment. Your attorney should be trying to stop his manipulations. If you can prove his failure to exercise his visitation, then your lawyer should be able to quash his attempts to manipulate the court. Is this has dragged on for several years, you may need a new lawyer.