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    DONTwantPR's Avatar
    DONTwantPR Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 17, 2008, 07:42 PM
    Can I give up Parental Rights but still pay child support?
    I got a girl pregnant 4 years ago (my biggest mistake ever). We agreed she would get an abortion but due to her health situation she was unable to get an abortion (so she says). I don't understand why because she said she had one 5 months earlier. We were never a couple it was just casual sex which resulted in this child. I was ordered by the court to pay child support after having a paternity test done on the child.

    I NEVER had a problem with paying child support. I just don't want to be obligated to be a part of this child's life or take on any kind of parental responsibility. I don't want the child's mother to force her child on me or have anything to do with the child. The mother has her child calling me Dad but the child doesn't know me and I don't know him. I know it sounds harsh, but we both decided that the pregnancy was to be terminated. I have not seen or contacted the mother in years but she still texts me and leaves messages when the child's birthday comes around. I already have a family life that I'm happy with and I don't want her to ruin my relationship with my wife by constantly bugging me about her child, that we agreed would be aborted. She gets child support so I think that's enough.

    Even if I can't get my parental rights terminated is there any way she can force her child on me or have me take responsibility of the child. I will pay child support until the child is 18 but I don't want any other responsibilities concerning her child. Can anyone give me advise on what I can do legally or if there is something I have to do (paperwork wise) to prevent her from having me take responsibility of her child?

    Thank You
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
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    #2

    Feb 17, 2008, 07:51 PM
    What responsibilities is she trying to 'force' on you besides the child support you are okay with?
    Is she threatening you?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #3

    Feb 17, 2008, 08:18 PM
    She can not force you to visit or see the child, she can not force you to do anything except pay.

    She can ask for medical insurance for the child, esp if your job would provide such insurance. She can ask for you to pay 1/2 of medical bills not covered by insurance. She can also ask that you pay till the child is 21 if they are in college plus to pay for part of the college expense.

    But they cannot make you see your chilc.
    macksmom's Avatar
    macksmom Posts: 1,787, Reputation: 152
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    #4

    Feb 18, 2008, 07:48 AM
    Paying child support is all you are required by law to do. Whether or not you have a relationship with your child is up to you. She cannot "force" you to spend time with your child. So legally terminating your rights is nothing different than simply not exercising your rights... because it's your choice.

    Just keep in mind what you plan to tell your child when they are older and come looking for you to ask why you weren't around.

    As long as you a paying child support... that is all you have to do.
    DONTwantPR's Avatar
    DONTwantPR Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Feb 18, 2008, 10:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by macksmom
    Paying child support is all you are required by law to do. Wether or not you have a relationship with your child is up to you. She cannot "force" you to spend time with your child. So legally terminating your rights is nothing different than simply not exercising your rights....because it's your choice.

    Just keep in mind what you plan to tell your child when they are older and come looking for you to ask why you weren't around.

    As long as you a paying child support....that is all you have to do.

    I don't want any kind of rights regarding this child. I don't consider or see this child as mine. I have expressed my feelings to the child's mother of not wanting a relationship with her child many times but she won't accept it. If this child does look for me when they are older I will simply tell them the TRUTH that the mother and I were NEVER a couple and we had planned to have them terminated but the mother wasn't able too and that I honestly didn't want a child with their mother. I really think she kept the child to have me around, but I can't speak for her, that's just how I feel. I honestly have NO FEELINGS for this child and don't want to hurt the child by telling them the truth, if that has to happen.

    I'm happy to know that all I have to do is pay child support to keep her legally away from me and my family. I'm just concerned because she has mentioned finding out where I live and dropping her child off for me to take responsibility.

    Thank You for your response

    Quote Originally Posted by N0help4u
    What responsibilities is she trying to 'force' on you besides the child support you are okay with?
    Is she threatening you?

    She hasn't forced any other responsibilities regarding her child YET. I think she is upset that I didn't stay with her, that I asked for a paternity test, and that I want NOTHING to do with her child. However, she has texted me saying she would find me and drop her child off at my door step to MAKE me acknowledge her child. If she does do that all that's going to happen is that her child will get hurt from the truth that I will tell.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    She can not force you to visit or see the child, she can not force you to do anything except pay.

    She can ask for medical insurnace for the child, esp if your job would provide such insurnace. she can ask for you to pay 1/2 of medical bills not covered by insurnace. She can also ask that you pay till the child is 21 if they are in college plus to pay for part of the college expense.

    But they cannot make you see your chilc.


    If she gets married and her husband doesn't want to adopt her child can she still make me pay bills not covered by insurance and college expenses for her child?

    Thank You for your response
    cdad's Avatar
    cdad Posts: 12,687, Reputation: 1438
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    #6

    Feb 18, 2008, 03:05 PM
    You need to get a grip on reality here. YOU created a life and now like it or not that life is going to follow in your steps so long as you live and after you die. What you have will be theirs too. If you have children now and they are to find out they have a brother / sister out there they will be curious. Do you intend to explain the abortion principle to them also ? Your legal obligation is met with the child support, but if she drops off the child and you refuse to care for him / her then your in a different legal areana. As you found out in court already YOU are responsible like it or not so start acting like it.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #7

    Feb 18, 2008, 03:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by DONTwantPR
    She hasn't forced any other responsibilities regarding her child YET. I think she is upset that I didn't stay with her, that I asked for a paternity test, and that I want NOTHING to do with her child. However, she has texted me saying she would find me and drop her child off at my door step to MAKE me acknowledge her child. If she does do that all that's going to happen is that her child will get hurt from the truth that I will tell.

    I don't think this is all HER child; this is also YOUR child.

    Whatever went on between you and the mother is between you but I am chilled to the bone that you would hurt an innocent child with the "truth" as you see it in order to get out from under your responsibilities and to get even with the mother. I can't even imagine why the mother is upset that you didn't stay with her - I'd think she'd be delighted!

    Of course, that doesn't address the child. And, again, it's not HER child. And once two people "make" a baby either one can proceed or not as they choose - maybe that's a question you should have asked her first.

    Maybe you should think of this the next time you take off your pants. All of this could have been avoided - or, better yet, print out your posts and show them to the next woman you hook up with.
    macksmom's Avatar
    macksmom Posts: 1,787, Reputation: 152
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    #8

    Feb 18, 2008, 03:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by DONTwantPR
    If she gets married and her husband doesn't want to adopt her child can she still make me pay bills not covered by insurance and college expenses for her child?

    Thank You for your response
    If the child is never adopted, you are legally responsible for at least half of any and all care the child may need.

    Regardless of how cold your heart is... please keep in mind, this is NOT the child's fault. Unfortunately they didn't get to pick their parents, or I'm sure they would have picked better ones.
    DONTwantPR's Avatar
    DONTwantPR Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Feb 18, 2008, 11:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
    I don't think this is all HER child; this is also YOUR child.

    Whatever went on between you and the mother is between you but I am chilled to the bone that you would hurt an innocent child with the "truth" as you see it in order to get out from under your responsibilities and to get even with the mother. I can't even imagine why the mother is upset that you didn't stay with her - I'd think she'd be delighted!

    Of course, that doesn't address the child. And, again, it's not HER child. And once two people "make" a baby either one can proceed or not as they choose - maybe that's a question you should have asked her first.

    Maybe you should think of this the next time you take off your pants. All of this could have been avoided - or, better yet, print out your posts and show them to the next woman you hook up with.


    Your opinion about me is your right.
    When we found out she was pregnant we had an understanding that she was to terminate it. However, she didn't and I don't feel I have to acknowledge HER child at all. I pay child support and that's the only thing I feel I'm responsible for.

    You're right, all of this could have been avoided if I thought before I took my pants off thinking this girl was on the pill (like she told me), or if I just wore a condom, but that didn't happen.

    I'm in no way hurting this child. If you thought I was going to tell a 4 year old the truth about this situation that's crazy. However, I will tell the child the truth when and if the child is older and comes looking for me as stated in a post from another member. The child's mother is hurting her own child by giving the child false hopes. Like you mentioned the child's mother should be delighted that I don't want to be with her or HER child.

    I've never said anything NASTY or BAD about the mother. Don't get me wrong, she is a good person. But wanting me to have a relationship with a child that was suppose to be terminated is NOT going to happen.

    Obviously you didn't read my question which was, CAN I GIVE UP PARENTAL RIGHTS BUT STILL PAY CHILD SUPPORT? So in no way was I trying to get out of any financial responsibilities concerning the child I just don't want a relationship with the child.


    I'm sorry if my question and situation offended you but you didn't have to reply especially since you didn't help me with my question, all you did was JUDGE me. I'm glad all the other members aren't as judgmental.

    Quote Originally Posted by califdadof3
    You need to get a grip on reality here. YOU created a life and now like it or not that life is going to follow in your steps so long as you live and after you die. What you have will be theirs too. If you have children now and they are to find out they have a brother / sister out there they will be curious. Do you intend to explain the abortion principle to them also ? Your legal obligation is met with the child support, but if she drops off the child and you refuse to care for him / her then your in a different legal areana. As you found out in court already YOU are responsible like it or not so start acting like it.

    I am taking responsibility, I'm paying child support. I just don't want a relationship with the child and I don't want the mother to threaten me into having a relationship with the child. If I do have children in the future I will tell them the truth. I have nothing to hide. As for explaining the abortion principle to them that's exactly what I will do, when they are at an appropriate age. If they decide to look for that other child that's their choice as it's my choice not to have a relationship with the child.

    Quote Originally Posted by macksmom
    If the child is never adopted, you are legally responsible for at least half of any and all care the child may need.

    Regardless of how cold your heart is....please keep in mind, this is NOT the childs fault. Unfortunately they didn't get to pick thier parents, or I'm sure they would have picked better ones.

    I will pay whatever I am legally responsible for concerning the child. I would still pay child support even if the child was adopted. I know this is not the child's fault and never said it was. I may be a cold hearted but I'm just being honest.
    nekobarnes's Avatar
    nekobarnes Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Feb 25, 2008, 08:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by DONTwantPR
    If she gets married and her husband doesn't want to adopt her child can she still make me pay bills not covered by insurance and college expenses for her child?

    Thank You for your response
    Its important to keep your child in your life because if the mother dies responsibility would fall back on you, and if its proven after the mother dies that you were not in the child's life they could terminate your parental rights and FORCE you to pay child support to someone else. That's why its always important to keep your child in your life because you never know what could happen later on. People and parents do die unexpectantly, and if she did die I'm sure you would want custody to raise your child on your own without having to pay someone else to do it for you.
    susangpyp's Avatar
    susangpyp Posts: 258, Reputation: 73
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    #11

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:22 AM
    I would continue to pay child support and in about 10 years offer to pay for the therapy the child is going to need for having such a cold and callous father. Sheesh.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #12

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:29 AM
    It's sad when little girls get pregnant too, and don't share the decision making with the person that helped them get that way.

    To the OP: If you don't want a relationship with the child, don't have one. No one can make you do that. As long as you're paying child support, the state isn't going to come in and tell you that you have to spend time with a child you don't want.

    I feel bad for everyone in this situation--it sounds like the mother tried to "catch" you with the child, and now is upset that it didn't work.
    jp242's Avatar
    jp242 Posts: 36, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by susangpyp
    I would continue to pay child support and in about 10 years offer to pay for the therapy the child is going to need for having such a cold and callous father. Sheesh.

    Honestly, I hope and pray that this child's mother finds a strong and caring man to marry that will bring a positive male role model to this little boy. Hopefully soon and the little boy won't know what an absolute waste of skin his biological dad is.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #14

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:39 AM
    I'm going to chime in here more to summarize than anything else.

    1) No court is likely to allow you to terminate your rights unless there is someone waiting to adopt.

    2) You cannot be forced to have a relationship with this child if you choose not to.

    3) Your responsibility to provide support for this child will only end when someone adopts the child or it reaches adulthood.

    Those three points effectively answer your question. But now I'm going add a few points that you need to consider.

    4) You have only the mother's word that she couldn't go thorugh an abortion. I suspect that she just told you that. After previously going through one, she may not have been emotionally able to do it again.

    5) I've often said that NO ONE should engage in sexual intercourse unless they are financially and emotionally prepared to have a child. And having a child means rearing it, not just the physical act of conception and birth.

    6) You said that it would do no harm for the child to not have you in its life. Obviously you have no experience with a single parent situation. You have no idea what this child will go through on days when a father's presences will be necessary. You have no idea of the emotional harm that can be done when the child learns they were rejected by a parent.

    7) You cannot tell this child EVER that the mother wanted to abort it, because you do not know that's a fact. You can say YOU wanted to abort and that you reject the child but you don't know the truth about the mother.

    8) You need to grow up a bit. Its all well and good that you are standing by your financial responsibility for the child, but fathering a child is more than just financial support. To TRULY live up to your responsibility means being a part of the child's life.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #15

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:40 AM
    It's amazing how judgemental all of you are.

    He discussed WITH the mother the choices when she first became pregnant. THEY decided on an abortion (not just him, folks--and she'd already HAD an abortion, so don't be thinking she's an angel "saving" her "baby"). She doesn't sound like great relationship material, either, from the OP's description. Then--she reneged. That's her right, of course--but how would you feel about a guy that wanted to choose adoption and then she backed out on him, sticking him with a kid and child support after they agreed on a different course for the child? Would that have made all of you less judgemental?

    This is NOT a thread about whether abortion is right or wrong. It's not a thread about what a loser the dad is for not wanting a child in his life that he was honest from the very start that he didn't want in his life. Great! We all support the MOTHER'S right to choose - why not the father's, too? At least he's owning the responsibility of paying child support!

    How dare all of you judge him for that?

    If the mother chose adoption, would you see THAT as her "wanting to get out of her responsibility"? Well, unfortunately, the father can't make the same decisions as the mother, except in the way the OP of this thread has. He doesn't want to raise a child. He'll take on the financial side of it, but was honest with the mother from the start that he didn't want a child.

    I'm just... amazed. I thought the people here at AMHD were better people, who wanted to HELP other people, not judge them.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #16

    Feb 25, 2008, 11:49 AM
    Synnen
    You make some good points, some I agree with. Where we part company is the welfare of the child. Yes it's a dirty deal that she supposedly agreed to the abortion then backed off (for whatever reason). This is an area where the father can get royally shafted, since they have no say in whether the mother aborts or not.

    But to abandon a child, to totally reject that child. To let it know that it wasn't wanted is just as wrong. Maybe we were a little judgemental about the OP. But his callous attitude towards the child grates on me. If he didn't want a child he should have kept it in his pants. There are things we don't know like who was the father of the previous child. Was it him or did he start taking up with this girl because he knew she was an easy lay. I just feel there are too many points here that make him come out with a lot of egg on his face.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #17

    Feb 25, 2008, 03:05 PM
    There is a big difference from being able to have sex and produce children and being responsible for the results, Where was the birth control, where was the condoms, were were the morals about having casual sex and not worrying about the results of having it.

    So for some reason she changed her mind, and decided not to kill a child, great for her, I wish 1000's more would do that and close the death camps. But it was her choice alone, the man has no legal standing in the choice of the abortion issue. So she changed her mind.

    At this point he has a legal responsibility to pay child support, and be held responsible for his actions.

    He does not have to do any moral duty of being a father, he and his own conscience has to live with that choice. But as Scott said from the legal standpoint, while he may not be able to give up his rights, he does not have to use any of those rights, he has to merely pay his support,
    I am sure he can work out a custody agreement with the mother, giving up all visitation, and full custody to the mother.
    jennyrena's Avatar
    jennyrena Posts: 37, Reputation: 7
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    #18

    Feb 25, 2008, 03:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    There is a big difference from being able to have sex and produce children and being responsible for the results,   Where was the birth control, where was the condoms,  were were the morals about having casual sex and not worrying about the results of having it.So for some reason she changed her mind, and decided not to kill a child, great for her,   I wish 1000's more would do that and close the death camps.   But it was her choice alone,  the man has no legal standing in the choice of the abortion issue.   So she changed her mind.At this point he has a legal responsiblity to pay child support, and be held responsible for his actions.  He does not have to do any moral duty of being a father,  he and his own conscience has to live with that choice.   But as Scott said from the legal standpoint, while he may not be able to give up his rights, he does not have to use any of those rights,  he has to merley pay his support,I am sure he can work out a custody agreement with the mother, giving up all visitation, and full custody to the mother.
    you are so right. It is sad that the kid won't have his dad,but it is his choice and he has to live with it.but I think you accually can sign off your rights. You can where I live but you still have to pay support. I think it's according to where you live.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #19

    Feb 25, 2008, 05:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by jennyrena
    you are so right. it is sad that the kid won't have his dad,but it is his choice and he has to live with it.but i think you accually can sign off your rights. you can where i live but you still have to pay support. i think it's according to where you live.
    I would suggest you review your local laws. Most jurisdictions do not allow a parent to relinquish their rights except when there is a parent waiting to adopt or the parent represents a danger to the child. Even where the law allows a TPR, the courts are very relunctant to grant them. Why should they? The parent can effectively relinquish their rights by not exercizing them. They can't be forced to be a parent, only to support their child.

    I agree its sad that the kid will grow up without a dad. So what purpose would a TPR serve. Maybe he changes his mind, so having a TPR prevents him from doing so.
    jennyrena's Avatar
    jennyrena Posts: 37, Reputation: 7
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    #20

    Feb 25, 2008, 10:08 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem
    I would suggest you review your local laws. Most jurisdictions do not allow a parent to relinquish their rights except when there is a parent waiting to adopt or the parent represents a danger to the child. Even where the law allows a TPR, the courts are very relunctant to grant them. Why should they? The parent can effectively relinquish their rights by not exercizing them. They can't be forced to be a parent, only to support their child.

    I agree its sad that the kid will grow up without a dad. So what purpose would a TPR serve. Maybe he changes his mind, so having a TPR prevents him from doing so.

    I guess I need to go and tell the judge she made a mistake when my friend donnie signed away his rights and agreed to pay 480.00 a month in child support.
    Please stop targeting me when you don't know what you're talking about. Thanks

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