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    CaptainChaos3's Avatar
    CaptainChaos3 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 22, 2013, 08:32 AM
    14 Year Old Son - familiar issues?
    Hi everyone - first post here, please be gentle!

    My wife & I have 2 sons, one is 19, the other 14 and live in the UK.

    The 19 year old isn't too bad - bit of attitude, lazy.

    The 14 year old has many issues. He has been excluded from 2 mainstream schools for non-attendance and minor offences (minor as in not fighting/destroying stuff) but general interruption in class, chatting with friends and defiance - not doing what he is asked etc.

    He was arrested & de-arrested a while ago for going after his older brother with a knife & stabbing his bedroom door (not actually going near the brother though), and has been banned from a couple of shops where we live for rudeness & attitude to the staff.

    He tends to hang around with slightly older kids, thinks he can stay out until whenever he wants and treats us (his parents) like dirt. He has drunk alcohol & does smoke (occasionally). He vehemently denies having anything to do with any type of drugs.

    For a couple of years now, we have had CAMHS involved (nothing wrong with him) and social services (borderline useless) and I've been on a "Family Strengthening" group, to no effect.

    I am constantly "advising" him that certain things he does or says will eventually get him hurt/arrested or worse, but he just says "I don't care" and starts having a go at us.

    I know he is a young teenager pushing the boundaries as far as he can, but it is totally destroying the rest of us.

    He goes to a school now where "challenging children" go and is doing very well with much smaller classes, and the latest thing is that he says to us that even if we TRY to get him up, breakfasted & dressed & ready for the school minibus, it is US that will get taken to court and fined for his non-attendance if he doesn't show up. I have told him that his past schooling history proves that we ARE trying to get him to school, and that he is at an age now where he should be able to get himself up, get his own breakfast and clothes and be ready to go to school on time. Is he right about us being taken to court & fined if he doesn't go to school, despite us trying everything to get him up & off?

    He stays up too late on his Xbox/watching TV/on his laptop, and he has been told by CAMHS that he does not get enough sleep. Again - there is absolutely nothing 'mentally' wrong him him.

    The school have said that he is very intelligent & will be taking some GCSEs a year early because he is ahead of his year group mentally.

    Obviously, I don't want him to get hurt physically, but I feel that he needs a real SHOCK to make him realise what he is doing to himself and us.

    Whenever I have spoken to other parents who know him, they ALL say that he is very polite, very helpful & a credit to us... but at home? ARGHHHH

    The local police have said that he is very close to being arrested (again). I told them "yes - do it! Make him think that if he carries on like he is, then he will be taken away & incarcerated eventually".

    We have told him that he is at an age where the decisions he makes are made solely by him and he has to accept the responsibility of his actions.

    That's all for now & huge apologies for the large first post.

    Any advice/help/anything will be gratefully received.

    Ian
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #2

    Oct 22, 2013, 08:40 AM
    He behaves like this and STILL has his Xbox and TV.
    CaptainChaos3's Avatar
    CaptainChaos3 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 22, 2013, 08:45 AM
    We have tried removing the laptop & xbox, and all that happens is he starts stomping around, punching holes in things, turning chairs over, threatening to take some of our stuff away & just walking out of the house with the "I'm not going to school tomorrow" comment, calling us f***ing idiots etc.
    AK lawyer's Avatar
    AK lawyer Posts: 12,592, Reputation: 977
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    #4

    Oct 22, 2013, 08:56 AM
    We have a saying in America; I don't know if it's used there:

    "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

    In other words, it is he who needs to be motivated in the right direction. I suggest that you find a wholesome activity which he loves, and help him turn that into a dream, and then encourage and advise him into turning that dream into reality.
    CaptainChaos3's Avatar
    CaptainChaos3 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 22, 2013, 09:06 AM
    He has just started football (soccer in the US I think) & is very good at it and enjoys it... We constantly praise him for that, but then he does something utterly stupid and we think "why?"
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,797, Reputation: 5427
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    #6

    Oct 22, 2013, 09:10 AM
    Does he like animals? Near me are two horse rescue farms. I'd take him to one of those and we'd both volunteer. Or maybe there's an animal shelter near you that would accept him as a volunteer (with or without a parent). The more he can reach out and be a benefit to the least fortunate, the more self assured he will become. (Prisons use animal care -- horses, dogs -- as part of a successful therapy process for prisoners.)
    CaptainChaos3's Avatar
    CaptainChaos3 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 22, 2013, 09:34 AM
    Thanks, Wondergirl - he has said he would love us to get a dog, but his past history is once he's bored with it, he'd not bother with it.

    It is a sad state of affairs that these days, everything seems disposable to kids!

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