[Inspired]

I am an attractive, successful, educated and fun loving woman with a great personality. Yet I find that I am always settling for second best. Throughout my life (I am 29) I have been in relationships where they break up because the guy does something wrong (Cheating, verbal abuse, lies). I end up leaving but I constantly second guess myself and it kills me inside when I discover that the perticular guy has moved on. I know in my heart and mind that these guys were not good for me, and now I look back and laugh at myself. However when I am in that perdiciment, I second guess. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 yrs a few months back because he was cheating on me. However, I still miss him (even though he cheated on me and lied through the whole relationship). He never treated me bad and when I found out he was cheating and lying it was the biggest shock of my life. He had other faults too, (he had no focus in life, was always depressed/whining about something, heavy gambler, etc). Even after all of this, I still was with him for about 2 weeks (I didn't want to deal with what happened). I still treated him nice and we were still intimate. Eventually we broke up because I couldn't pretend anymoe that everything was OK. However when I found out he had moved on two months after we broke up, I got really down. I just don't know why I am like this. I know someone is bad for me, but yet I still feel love for the person and miss the person and wish things were different. Whereas most people move on fast when someone screws them over and do not think about that person. Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks

[bushg]

(1). You say "He never treated me bad" then in the next sentence you say "he had no focus in life, was always depressed/whining about something, heavy gambler, etc). " Ok how can you make the 1st statement and then make the 2nd statement which is true? Maybe you just did not want to accept that he was treating you badly. Some people hang on because it is easier to hang on, than to face, that they made a mistake again. (2.) You say"However, I still miss him" He kept your mind focused on his problems, of course you miss his drama. Now you only have you to focus on. Don't run take time to find out who you are and why you want men that are unable to be good to you. (3). You say "I still treated him nice and we were still intimate." Why is someone else's comfort more important than your health and sense of pride? (4). You say "However when I found out he had moved on two months after we broke up, I got really down". This man was always about his feelings, so of course he will go to his comfort zone, another woman that will hopefully take his $hit and stand by him. It Is not personal so don't take it that way, he has and will do the next female like he has done you. Be thankful that he is gone and hope that he did not leave you with an std. (5) You say "I know someone is bad for me, but yet I still feel love for the person and miss the person and wish things were different." Maybe you do miss that person, but really is it because you loved them. How can you love and be happy with someone that treats you badly. Maybe you are just missing your dream of what could have been, Just accept things as what is, rather than what could have been. I bet if you sit down and make a list of what he did that made you feel good and a list of what he did that made you feel bad. The bad list will far out weigh the good list. Do not continue to focus on this cheating, lying whining, depressed gambler and try to make his memory more than what he is. For once in your life, focus on your childhood and your family life that you grew up in. Think about how the adults in your life handled their relationships. If necessary go to counseling, visit a domestic violence group and listen to their stories. Get a book called Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood. Obessive Love by Susan Forward if you can't relate to these books find other books to read . Learn about yourself. You are the most important person in your life.

[Inspired]

bushg, thank you for your insite to my situation. I actually have read "Obsessive Love" a few years back. I will look up the other book you suggested. I would like to answer your questions. 1. He never treated me bad meaning he was never verbally or physically abusive. He always said nice things to me. Yes he had no focus in life and expected me to be there for his emotional baggage by telling me about it. I guess in that sense one can look at it as being treated bad because he was making me depressed and giving me his baggage.
3. I still treated him nicely and was intimate with him for two weeks after I found out what he did. After the two weeks, I cut him off when I started to face what had happened. I didn't talk to him for 2 months and then found out he had moved on.

4. You are right, he was always about himself and his feelings. I like how you wrote "It Is not personal so don't take it that way, he has and will do the next female like he has done you. Be thankful that he is gone and hope that he did not leave you with an std." You are right, its not personal, that's just who he is. I was tested and do not have any stds (we always used protection as well).
5. I was missing my dream of what could have been. You are right about that.

I appreciate your input

[bushg]

I bet if you sit down and make a list of what he did that made you feel good and a list of what he did that made you feel bad. The bad list will far out weigh the good list. Please sit down and do this list. Esp when you feel like you are missing him. It will shed a lot of light on the real him. You say that he never hit you nor abused your verbally. That is good that means that this choice of b.f. friend was better than the ones that hit and verbally abused you. Maybe the next one will be better than this whining ,gambling depressed man. Keep working on yourself . Maybe then the next jerk you meet, you will see it more quick and get rid of him sooner. Trust your gut feeling, do not explain bad behavior away esp. if it happens often. Normally they show you signs early in the relationship, if you will be willing to take note of them and to accept them for what they are. Good luck

[Inspired]

Thanks again bushg. I have never been with someone who hit me, but I have been with a guy who was verbally abusive. I got rid of him but still missed him for a while. I made my list a month ago about this current breakup. You are right, the bads outweigh the goods by a lot! Its not that I miss him and want to be back with him. I am very fully aware that he's bad for me. I do not have any contact with him and have not for a while. The thing that bothers me is that why do I care if he misses me? Why is it so important for me to feel like he still cares? I think the reason why it is important is because I put up with his $hit for so long and he put me through a lot only to cheat on me and forget me in the end. That is what hurts. I completely agree with you about the gut feeling. I had a bad gut feeling about him from day 1, but I still went for it because he was presueing me hard and I felt as though I should give him a chance because he might be a nice guy. I was wrong. The one thing I have learned from this is to always follow my gut.

[bushg]

Inspired we all want to matter, we want the one that we invest emotional time in, to value us(and there is nothing wrong in wanting that). But, as you know that does not always happen. People like him are just users and they easily go on to their next victim. I truly feel if you seek a peaceful life you will find it, with or with a man. You will bring good things your way and who knows a good man just might happen by.

[Inspired]

Your post put a smile on my face. Thanks once again bushg