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    velvetjones's Avatar
    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #1

    Oct 23, 2006, 07:26 PM
    Old Engagement Ring
    Should you give it back if you changed your mind or accept it because it was a gift?
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #2

    Oct 23, 2006, 07:32 PM
    I think it definitely needs to be offered back. If refused, then it's a gift. But I have to say, who would want it?
    velvetjones's Avatar
    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #3

    Oct 24, 2006, 02:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    I think it definately needs to be offered back. If refused, then its a gift. But I have to say, who would want it?
    <p>Agreed. Now in a new relationship, should it be... liquidated? My current boyfriend says he doesn't mind that I have it. He's certainly no longer in a hurry to marry me. It all sounds weird to me.:( :confused:
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    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #4

    Oct 24, 2006, 03:07 PM
    I would liquidate immediately! LOL

    Why should your boyfriend forgo the wonderful experience of selecting an engagement ring?
    Oh wait, this is the boyfriend who gave it to you? And he is your ex? And he doesn't want it back?

    Make that why should your future boyfriend forgo the won...

    I am confused a bit. Forgive me but what have you been doing... hanging on to old boyfriends and old engagement rings hoping the magic would come back?

    The moment it was decided not to marry, the actions should have taken place. Ring returned, relationship over. I just assumed... I am sorry.
    velvetjones's Avatar
    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #5

    Oct 24, 2006, 03:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    I would liquidate immediately! LOL

    Why should your boyfriend forgo the wonderful experience of selecting an engagement ring?
    Oh wait, this is the boyfriend who gave it to you? And he is your ex? And he doesn't want it back?

    Make that why should your future boyfriend forgo the won.....

    I am confused a bit. Forgive me but what have you been doing... hanging on to old boyfriends and old engagement rings hoping the magic would come back?

    The moment it was decided not to marry, the actions should have taken place. Ring returned, relationship over. I just assumed.....I am sorry.
    <p>The current boyfriend doesn't mind that I have an ex's engagement ring, so he says. The current boyfriend no longer seems to be in a hurry to marry me. The ex that gave me the ring is long gone. It ain't easy getting rid of some quality diamonds, and it has nothing to do with money, jewelry, or any feelings for the ex... :( It runs much much deeper than that.
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    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #6

    Oct 24, 2006, 03:48 PM
    Now its hard not to be curious about what the deep thing is?
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    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #7

    Oct 24, 2006, 04:03 PM
    Longtime "abandonment issues" (among other things), and I've always been the "dumper" instead of the "dumpee" (unusual way to "handle" one's "abandonment issues", eh?). It meant so very much to me as a symbol of acceptance and maybe unconditional love. Maybe even hope. Damn! Now you made me all teary-eyed.
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    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #8

    Oct 24, 2006, 04:19 PM
    I am impressed and amazed that you could reinvent its association into something valuable. Thank you for letting me in on it.
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    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #9

    Oct 24, 2006, 04:55 PM
    When you have little, that little bit can mean a lot.
    Sentra's Avatar
    Sentra Posts: 385, Reputation: 55
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    #10

    Oct 25, 2006, 07:22 AM
    I hope you realize that hanging on to the ring can do more harm than good; it may be a symbol of how much love and acceptance someone had for you at one point in time, but its not on your left hand, sweetie, and just keeping it could mean that you have a hard time letting go of the past.

    Small, material things may have a big place somewhere in our lives, but they do not, ever, define who we are inside. I've been in your shoes once before, and its not easy.

    I say sell the ring, donate the money to charity or do whatever it takes in small steps to begin letting go... time to start fresh and make room in your jewelry box for a ring that will be accompanied with a wedding band. :)

    Many wishes and luck to you.
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    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #11

    Oct 25, 2006, 07:42 AM
    If it was from his family and you broke up with him, you should give it back.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #12

    Oct 25, 2006, 07:53 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Sentra
    I hope you realize that hanging on to the ring can do more harm than good; it may be a symbol of how much love and acceptance someone had for you at one point in time, but its not on your left hand, sweetie, and just keeping it could mean that you have a hard time letting go of the past.
    I think there is some good food for thought here and I tend to agree with you Sentra. I have a personal theory about material stuff. Its all like a river flowing, some parts quickly, some parts very very slowly but it is flowing. So some things are meant to be kept for my lifetime and others not. That is flows is definitely apparent to me in that you can't take it with you when you go. I also agree that attempting to hang onto any part of it can do emotional damage or at the very least stifle emotional growth... and I learned to what degree recently when hurricanes threatened to take everything we have here away (I live in Florida). It was then I realised we actually have nothing but our lives and our faith --the rest is all on loan. We don't say any of this to condemn you keeping the ring and I realise we have pushed (gently, I hope) past the nature of the original question but in light of what is said here, you might want to reconsider?

    Sometime traditions (what etiquette really is)... is an understanding of deeper things and meant to protect us.
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    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #13

    Oct 25, 2006, 08:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by K_3
    If it was from his family and you broke up with him, you should give it back.
    <p>Absolutely, without question, without hesitation because not only was it not his in a way, but that of somebody else, so it would have it's own meaning for it's original owner.
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    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #14

    Oct 25, 2006, 08:45 AM
    Do you know the original owner? If I were you, I would try to find the person it means a lot to and return it. That is the right thing to do. Then you work on your issues. My great grandmother gave her ring to my brother to give to his fiancÚ as an engagement ring. It had been in the family for years. She kept it. It was not the monatary value to my grandmother, but the sentimental value. She did not want to hassle with the woman, but she was able to buy it back from her. My brother is married now and it will go with his son. Proper etiquette is to return a heirloom.
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    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #15

    Oct 25, 2006, 09:09 AM
    Hmmm, I don't see anywhere that the OP said the ring was an heirloom from the fiance's family?? Did I miss something?
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    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #16

    Oct 25, 2006, 09:15 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    Hmmm, I don't see anywhere that the OP said the ring was an heirloom from the fiance's family??? Did I miss something?

    The topic was "Old engagement ring". I took it that is was old. Sorry, but she did say it was not his to give, so I went with it from there.
    velvetjones's Avatar
    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #17

    Oct 25, 2006, 09:24 AM
    Lucky for you, I don't think you've been in my particular shoes, they're quite painful too much of the time. ;)
    The attachment I have to the ring has nothing to do with they guy that it came from. I'm way over that, wish him the best and feel good when I hear he's doing well. It was years and years ago and I've been in a couple of relationships since. I think it's done more good than harm. Like I said before, it meant so very much to me as a symbol of acceptance and maybe unconditional love, that there is hope that it can exist in my life (not necessarily as somebody's wife or girlfriend). When I look at it on occasion, when I am really down on myself, I see hope for the future for me, not marriage, not relationships with men. I don't hear wedding bells or picture myself in a white dress. It really reminds me to draw people that I care about closer to me, to let them in, to stop pushing people away, not to let go of those people, that the kind of love that you think is missing is just a phone call away. I see hope for me, and gain a little strength from that to keep living. If anything, I think it should be transformed into a different piece of jewelry.
    I'm... well, we (me and the current bf) are dealing with the issue of not rushing into marriage. I honestly don't think I'm ready for that yet, and he's realizing that he may not be quite ready for that as well.
    Oh - and the ring was not from his family, but was a new one.
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    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #18

    Oct 25, 2006, 09:25 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by K_3
    The topic was "Old engagement ring". I took it that is was old. Sorry, but she did say it was not his to give, so I went with it from there.
    Hmmm, I still don't see where she said it wasn't his to give. What is wacky about this whole thread is she asked if she should give the ring back when who gave it to her is long gone, can't be found and therefore the point of returning it is moot. Since that is the case, I think that would require a liquidation at the very least and all this has turned into a discussion on the pros and cons of that.

    But if her current boyfriend or any future boyfriend is okay with her using it as their engagement ring, I can only say -- ugh! And I hope she sees that, at least?

    But "old" meant two boyfriends ago... sorry, I didn't see your post, Velvet. What about having it redesigned into a pendant or something as a compromise?
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #19

    Oct 25, 2006, 09:32 AM
    Sorry velvetjones, I guess I just took it as an "old engagement ring" meaning family heirloom. My apologies. Just have it made into another piece of jewelry. It was a memory and given to you out of love. You seem to be coming a long way and knowing why you have been hanging onto it. Keep it as a symbol of how far you have come.
    velvetjones's Avatar
    velvetjones Posts: 78, Reputation: 11
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    #20

    Oct 25, 2006, 09:35 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
    Hmmm, I still don't see where she said it wasn't his to give. What is wacky about this whole thread is she asked if she should give the ring back when who gave it to her is long gone, can't be found and therefore the point of returning it is moot. Since that is the case, I think that would require a liquidation at the very least and all this has turned into a discussion on the pros and cons of that.

    But if her current boyfriend or any future boyfriend is okay with her using it as their engagement ring, I can only say -- ugh! And I hope she sees that, at least?

    But "old" meant two boyfriends ago.... sorry, I didnt see your post, Velvet. What about having it redesigned into a pendant or something as a compromise?
    The question was just a general one. I was curious to see what people thought in general about the subject because I'd seen something recently on TV that brought this up.
    My ring was not a family heirloom. It was a new ring, old relationship.
    And yeah, there is no way I would use a pre-owned (don't you love that euphemism?) engagement ring. Ick.

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