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    fj67shelbygt500's Avatar
    fj67shelbygt500 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 27, 2010, 01:25 AM
    Thought of suicide always come to my head.
    For as long as I can remember I have had though of suicide. I'm 25 years old and I feel like I was never meant to be born. I always think of death and ways to end my life. I've tried a few before but when I'm about to do it I think of all the pain I would cause my family. Which at times they don't seem to care. I keep feeling like a failure. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel unattractive and worthless. My ex-gf makes me feel like all the time. I seriously feel like Im meant to be dead. I wish I could get help psychologically but again I can't because it's too expensive. Maybe I should just end my life. What's the best way to do it so it won't look like suicide?I just want it to look like cardiac arrest.
    pinkangelgirl's Avatar
    pinkangelgirl Posts: 45, Reputation: 8
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Jan 27, 2010, 01:46 AM

    Have you ever spoken to anyone else about this or seen a therapist in the past? I know it can be expensive but there are free services out there and you could start by seeing your Dr and asking for a refferal. I have been in your situation before and I know how horrible it feels. The question is, do u REALLY want to get better? If so then there is hope. There are people willing to listen and help you. You may need medication, a psycologist, and even diet advice. Please see a Dr and explain exactly how you feel. If you are not satisfied with their advice keep trying, find another, but don't give up. Im sure you have many great attributes but just can't see them while your feeling so down. Maybe you could call a help line as well as talking to pple on here. Most importantly don't feel ashamed about seeking help because you'll find there are so many others who are going through the same feelings or have been there. There is hope.
    God Bless
    KBC's Avatar
    KBC Posts: 2,550, Reputation: 487
    Ultra Member
     
    #3

    Jan 27, 2010, 06:32 AM

    Well I have been there too, many times in my 43 years,10 suicide attempts,5 states,and too many hospital stays, too many psychiatrists to remember,etc.

    While I was depressed,the thought of HELPING myself remained a great burden,why try,I would just fail and stay depressed.

    Sound familiar?

    Depression is,as I describe it,self sustaining.It keeps the person from even attempt seeking to rid themselves of it.Constant thinking like this makes the depression worse,thus keeping it rolling.

    My first attempt was while I was still in school,I was hospitalized and treated for something other than depression, drug abuse(it was vogue in the mid 80's)

    For many years after I suffered in private,others just avoided me (which I thoroughly enjoyed,, isolation),I finally had a little light as depression wasn't a full time career(I self medicated with amphetamines), years went by and I finally crashed.

    It took major pains and effort to get the state of mind I have now,somewhat more clear,somewhat more productive,to care for myself.

    You now have a choice,do you want to stop this chaos or continue down the path of self destruction?

    Seeking the help you need will require effort and compliance to a professionals opinions,medications perhaps,therapy and psychiatric advice,etc.

    Your misery is always refundable, just stop seeking help.

    Free help,or help at a greatly reduced price is available, you are in the states, in a major city even, you can start looking for this help online,start with a suicide helpline,a search for support groups for depression,anything that deals with mental illness.

    If you want I can assist you in this search,, but only if you want the help, I am willing.

    Hope to hear back from you soon,
    Ken
    Clough's Avatar
    Clough Posts: 26,678, Reputation: 1649
    Uber Member
     
    #4

    Jan 27, 2010, 11:06 AM
    Hi, fj67shelbygt500!

    Please do continue to post! There've been a number of us on this site who have been where you have been in your thoughts as well as experiences...

    Me included!

    Thanks!
    fj67shelbygt500's Avatar
    fj67shelbygt500 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
    New Member
     
    #5

    Jan 27, 2010, 12:51 PM

    No I have not talked to no one about this. I know I need help. A therapist or a psychologist or just something. I do want to get better. I want to be happy. I'm tired of always being depressed. I guess that the 2 previous relationship experiences haven't really helped at all either. The first relationship of 2 and half years ended with the girl leaving me for a guy who offered her and gave her a $45,000 car and she was my first serious relationship. The 2nd girl which I just ended with this past August, well she is just mean. She would step all over me, throw object at me to hit me. Would make me feel insecure by telling me how better other guys where and she would do things to make me get jealous. She is extremely attractive and has an amazing body. I'm really ugly but I got to be with her for almost 2 years because I'm a really romantic guy who loves to write poems and songs. She would brainwash me into thinking that if I left her I would never get another girlfriend because I'm ugly so I was stupid enough to stay with her for so long. So I guess she made things worse for me. Now I can't think straight. All I think of is (in my ex girlfriend words) "how pathetic excuse for a person and life i am" and that "i should just jump from a hill or somewhere to kill myself" KBC you are right. I do feel like no matter what I try I will just fail. I also suffer this privately because I don't want to bring anyone down with my problems. I do want to end this destruction because its killing me slowly. I'm only 25 years old and I feel with less desire to live than my grandfather who is 85. Its just crazy how things work, how a few people who I don't even know care about me and give me advice about what to do than the people who are close to me. Sure KBC ill accept you offer and would like you to assist me getting help because I feel like I can't do it on my own.

    Thank you, all of you who have responded to my post. I'm grateful for your help.. God Bless you all
    KBC's Avatar
    KBC Posts: 2,550, Reputation: 487
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Jan 27, 2010, 05:15 PM

    Haight Ashbury Free Clinics, Inc.
    P.O. Box 29917, San Francisco, CA 94129
    Main Line: (415) 746-1967 Fax Line: (415) 746-1968
    2004-2009 Haight Ashbury Free Clinics, Inc. --- All Rights Reserved

    Marin Community Clinics - Resources

    Mental Health Association of San Francisco - Good2Gether DoGood Channel

    Community Health Resource Center - Good2Gether DoGood Channel

    These should get you a good start.Now it's up to you, you must do the next step on your own, show yourself that you can seek help, it will be a boost to your self-esteem.

    You can also look at this site too,

    Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

    I really believe in it:)

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