[Cristoforo]

Hi all. I just feel so broken and depressed now. It's been 6 months and just when I thought I was getting better, the same intense pain is back. After that sob message I called her back and left a message saying we needed to move on and messages like that weren't healthy. I didn't hear from her.

I thought dating might help me move in the right direction. I had a crush on this woman for a while and so I asked her out. She said yes, but ever since she's been flaky. I called her over the weekend and left her a message and asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend and I haven't heard back from her.

So naturally, I felt rejected and I started to miss my ex again. I called her last weekend and she said she'd call me back later. I spoke to her last night and I told her things similar to what she told me in her sob message. She got upset and said she is better now and that we should both move on and that things just didn't work out. She then told me she was seeing someone. That's what hurt the most. I've been crying all day.

I feel like such an idiot. I thought I was healing, I thought I was moving in the right direction. Now after 6 months of trying to heal, I feel like I'm back to square one. I feel so lost and hurt and broken. I miss my ex so much and I feel like I will never find someone like her or someone that I will love like her and someone who will be my best friend and who I can grow with.

My mind is going to the wrong places. I feel like I don't want to live anymore. I'm so sick of all this pain. Why is healing so hard?

[jmw0713]

Healing is hard when you keep contacting the source of your pain. It's like an addictive drug. When you quit, you need to do it for life. Even if you try it again, one time, you relapse. In this case you relapsed because you reached out and contacted her and became privy to more heartbreaking info. She used you as a spring board to get back on her feet again. You should have never replied to her message or called her last weekend. By doing so, you boosted her ego and shouldered her load of emotions. Some people call it being her emotional tampon... We all have times where we feel lonely and feel like we will never get to that level of love again. It just takes time to heal yourself and finding the right person to get to that level. Heck you got there once, how can you not get there ever again?

You need to totally cut her out. Find some friends to hang out with and have a good time. Don't worry about finding another girl right now, because chances are you will come off as being needy due to all of the loneliness you feel and they will flake out on you. It's summer. Time to go out and have fun and enjoy the nice weather.

[Cristoforo]

I just moved into a house with two friends so I always have something to do, but my mind always goes back to her. I hate it. I'm so depressed and no longer have the desire to live. Why do I do this to myself?

[talaniman]

Your coping skills need a lot of work my friend, because its what you are doing to yourself that makes the healing so much harder than it has to be.

Do it the right way, and I am sure you will get better results.

Stop trying to knock down a brick wall by running head first into it.

[Cristoforo]

I just don't know what the "right" way is when I can't stop thinking about her and all the good moments we shared together.

[talaniman]

Just re-read your post, the whole thing, and stop being so carried away by your feelings and think before you act or speak.

Don't just ignore what you have been told already when you are feeling bad.

[Cristoforo]

I don't know exactly what re-reading this whole thread would do.

The problem is, I don't know how to reflect on the last 5+ years of my life without getting sad, since the last 5 years of my life were spent with this particular person. How can you turn off thinking about the past?

[talaniman]

Re-reading this thread will show you all the advice you have been given, but chose to ignore, or forgotten.

You won't have time to think of the past, when you are excited, and focused on the future, as you build a life that you enjoy.

All of us have things in our past that make us sad, but we cope with the feelings by letting them pass, and not dwell on them as you are doing.

Coping skills.

[Cristoforo]

I was feeling better when I was focused on the future... then when something didn't work out as I had hoped, I went right back to the past.

[talaniman]

Yes, I will agree that its frustrating when a plan doesn't work, but going back to the past is NOT the solution, making a better plan is. One that keeps you moving forward, not back.

[Cat1864]

I was feeling better when I was focused on the future...then when something didn't work out as I had hoped, I went right back to the past.

Part of looking forward and focusing on the future is to realize that there are multiple outcomes for every event. Just because one doesn't work out doesn't mean that another won't end up being better. It may not have been your first choice of actions, but it doesn't have to be your last one either.

I think you made a mistake by asking out someone you already have an interest in (aka: crush on). You had an emotional investment from the beginning. Try to get back into dating by going out with women you just met or that you just want to have a good time with. Leave the ones you want to get to know better or more intimately off the potential 'dates' list for right now. Work on being able to get through a movie or dinner without comparing your current date to a past one. Having to attempt to connect with a new person can help focus the mind on the here and now.

[jmw0713]

Take her off the pedestal you put her on. She isn't a trophy and doesn't deserve to be thought as one. She is no better than the next girl out there and you need to figure that out.

You were together for 4.5 years. I was together with my ex for 4. I decided to totally let go of everything about 7 months ago and we haven't been together since Aug 2008... so feelings like this can last for a while. Now that I think about it, I still think about her and wonder sometimes, but over time my brain has learned to block about 98% of the emotion out of those thoughts.

You see, once you love someone, you don't ever really stop. They could be the nastiest person in the world and still hold a place in your heart. You just learn to ways to deal with the emotions and not allow them to get to you as much. That's what you need to learn.

[Cristoforo]

It's hard to take her off the pedestal when you fear you'll never find someone like that again. She had a look that made me feel so comfortable and close to her, the way I could interact with her was like no other, the way I could act around her I couldn't act around anyone else. The friendship I had with her was like no other. Everything about her, her smile, her laugh, her mannerisms that just made me love her, I feel I will never find that again and I will end up settling with someone who I don't feel as strongly about.

[jmw0713]

Give it more time. You'll see. Go out and have fun with your buddies.

[Cristoforo]

I have suffered from depression for a long time. I was on medication for a few years, but I stopped taking it shortly after the final breakup. I think it would be good for me to start taking it again. I think it will help me to see things clearer. My mind is so clouded right now.

[jmw0713]

Yes! If you have a medical condition that needs medication, take it. I also suffer from depression. I stopped taking my medication until recently... I have no idea why I stopped. I feel a lot better since I started taking it again. Plus, exercise really helps too.

[Cristoforo]

Was surprised to find an email from my ex this morning. It has been 5 months since we last spoke. That was the phone call I talked about earlier in this post. That happened June 1st. I never contacted her again and tried to move on, and unfortunately, I am still not entirely healed.

I get an email from her saying that she just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. She said that she wanted me to know that she was moving back to Hawaii. She said she hoped my family and I are doing well and that she really wanted me to be happy and that she hoped I was.

What gives? Why did she send this email? What is her motive here? Why does she want me to know she is moving back to Hawaii? Do I just ignore the email? I haven't responded yet and I don't know if I really should.

[Cat1864]

Cristo, I think you already know what I am going to say, but I will say it anyway. If you keep No Contact and ignore her and her attempts at communications, you save yourself from a lot of confusion.

If you are getting on with your life, her motives don't matter. What are your motives in opening an email from her? What are you getting out of getting on the Tilt-a-Whirl of Confusion again? I would delete the email and call up a friend to hang out with or head to the gym for a good workout rather than step back on that carnival ride. Cleaning the bathroom sounds better than dwelling on that mess again.

Take care of yourself.