[the last chance]

There comes a time in a mans life when he realizes that no matter what he does or what he says nothing about him, weather that's inside emotions or outward expressions will change. With that comes the answer that he no longer needs to be. I am now at that point. I no longer fear death, I don't truly believe in an afterlife either, were not supposed to. The weight of this world is too much for me to bear, where once I squared my shoulders, I have crumbled. Where once my resolve was feirce and strong it is now gone, I have no desire to fight anymore, I have no use for this feeling that has taken me over. I have continuously asked for help, to talk to someone but again in life I am ignored. I know sometimes I get difficult and hard to get along with, everyone does. I feel so full, I feel so tired.
No one knows my life, all they see is a pushover someone to boss around to control, I hate that. People say good things come to those who wait, I'm tired of waiting. For the second time in my life 15 years later, I am once again being hit, what did I do to deserve this, I can't take it anymore, when I was a kid I had loaded guns put to my head, beaten and always afraid, I have watched my brother die, I have watched my mother get beat almost to death, and the things I've heard I still hear them sometimes. I used drugs to cope, for a while they worked, until I was hospitalized for it.
Now, I get constant reminders of the fact that I'm no good, useless, a piece of that's no good for nothing, diffrence now is I am big enough to fight back only to be reminded and realize myself that I'm no better than the man that beat me for years. Now I have used drugs to cope again, to forget. Why is it that whenever someone talks about suicide people always try to stop them. I never asked to be born, I never asked for this life and nor do I want it. The world has become an evil place. My first thoughts of suicide came to me when I was around 11 or so I don't really remember anymore, I wrote a poem about it, then I started to write a lot, I used to show these things to my parents hoping the would ask me about it, they just incourged me on, and finally they got mad at me for being so dark and writing about death, that's when I stopped showing them. I used to fantasize about the position I would be in when I died and I would talk about it openly, hoping anyone would ask why, no one ever did. I was an abnormally smart kid I understood death at a very early age, my brother died when I was 7. I miss him. I stuffed my feelings inside, I couldn't outright ask for help, I didn't know how, how do you tell someone you don't want to live anymore. To me I was ignored by all the important people in my life. I carried this with me for years, I still carry it, and I'm still ignored. I can't take it anymore life has hit me too hard now, the hurt is too much for me hold, please help me, please... I have no one left to turn to. Please, someone, anyone. I'm not asking for your every waking minute, just to hear me.

[caz1961]

I will listen to you if you want to talk you sound very troubled.

[artlady]

I am sorry that you are feeling so lost right now.
I understand what it is like to be in an abusive relationship and how badly beaten down it can make you feel.
Is there anyway you could go to a domestic shelter ?Here is a link that will help you to find assistance in your area.
The most important thing you can do for yourself right now is get away from your abuser.Then you can begin the process of healing from your abuse. There is help out there,you just need to take that first step.
National Domestic Violence Hotline

[artlady]

I was hoping that you would come back so that we could talk and
Try to work out a plan that will get you away from your abuser.
There are many people here who have been in your situation,myself included and we are here to listen.