[moorgus]

Greetings, all. Firstly, thank you for taking a moment to read my post. Any and all suggestions or advice are well received and welcome.

The short summation of my issue is that my girlfriend has absolutely zero desire whatsoever in having sex or any type of intimate physical interaction and it is bothering me to the point of wondering whether I can continue this relationship.

Let me provide some additional context. I apologize if this is too much information, I just wanted to err on the side of more than less so folks reading can have all of the facts.

I recently turned 36 and my girlfriend is 37, soon to be 38. We have been dating for about 14 months at this point. In the beginning of the relationship (the first month), we had sex a decent amount of times and she seemed very “into” having sex. However, as time went on (say about months four onwards), we just stopped having sex. There was no big change or event, it just sort of happened. She would start to make excuses, mostly along the lines of she did not feel like it, her stomach hurt, she was PMSing, etc. It became evident that she had no interest in having sex with me whatsoever. We had the whole “do you not find me attractive” discussion and she assured me that she did. I finally got up the nerve to bring the issue up and she skirted around it, clearly not wanting to talk about it. After a bit, I started looking at her medicines and researching online to see if any of them may be to blame. Then we talked and she told me that the medicines may be to blame, but she still didn’t really want to talk about it or deal with it. It has always bothered me how it means so much to me and doesn’t seem to mean much to her. She was taking Aldactone for skin problems along with Yasmin for birth control. She went to her dermatologist and told them of the issue and they said it may be the Aldactone which had hormones or something in it. So, she stopped taking the Aldactone, or hardly ever took it and was just on Yasmin. This went on for about four months and no change at all in sex drive. She went back to the doctor at my urging and reported this and they switched her to Yaz and she started back on the Aldactone. This was about three months ago. No change whatsoever in her sex drive. She had one “wet dream” a few weeks back and honest to God, that is the only sign of sexual interest from her. We hug and give pecks on the lips, that is absolutely it. She does not like any type of kiss more than a peck, she does not like to be caressed in any way that may resemble a sexual manner and she will never, ever initiate any type of intimate contact with me. In the last year, I believe we have had sex about seven or eight times and every one of those was because I begged and pleaded and told her how I was hurting and we ended up scheduling sexual intercourse. Obviously, I was happy to get it, but it sort of takes the fun out of it when it is scheduled and she pretty much just lays there and takes it. During the act, she seemed mildly into it, but just very “lazy” about it for lack of a better term, meaning, if I was doing something, it’s good, but she made no effort and seemed glad when it was done. We even went one stretch of four months with no sex whatsoever. It was unbearable.

I feel I am getting near my breaking point with this issue and don’t see how I can go on forever with her like this. I love her to death otherwise and we have a great relationship. Lots in common, common values and interests and things of that nature. We’ve talked about moving in down the road and marriage a ways down the road (at least a year and a half), but this issue is killing me. There’s another issue of her being an incredibly light sleeper and not being able to sleep in the same bed as me due to snoring that sort of compounds this issue, but the sex drive issue is one I would love to fix.

Not sure what else I can tell you about the situation. I do not harass her about it every day, but once a week or so I indicate a desire or a displeasure at the situation, so she is well aware of it. I am not sure if it is the birth control, the skin medicine, her age, her background, her lack of desire for me or what, but this is killing me. Her doctor even said as a last resort that she could use some testosterone cream on her private parts, so maybe that’s an option.

Any advice would be appreciated. Do I just get out now or should I try something or should I just accept it and deal with it, which I am not sure I can?

Craig

[mable1]

Craig,

I don't know how useful my response is going to be, but it hit so close to home that I had to respond. Unfortunately, I am in the same situation as you - except I am the sex drive-less girlfriend. I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. The first two years we were together, our sex life was great. Then suddenly, going into our 3rd year it just started dwindling. I started feeling "in the mood" less and less. It's gotten to the point now where I don't even feel the need to masturbate: it's literally like I've become asexual, and I absolutely hate it. I feel horrible, because I know it must be so hard for my boyfriend, but it sucks for me, too. I miss WANTING to do things. My boyfriend has been great and really patient about everything, but like you were saying, I don't know how long this can go on for. I reassure him constantly and tell him that - as clichéd as it sounds - it is NOT him at all, it's all on my end. I spoke to my gynecologist about it and he did blood work to see if it could be a hormonal imbalance and promised he would get back to me about it either way. Frustratingly, he simply signed off on my script, said everything looked normal, and still has yet to return my phone calls, a month later. I think the worst thing about all of this is that I just don't feel as close to my boyfriend since my sex drive disappeared. It's not just about the pleasure of it, it's about that closeness that having sex regularly brings to a relationship, too.

I'm sorry for just rambling on about myself for so long. I really don't know what should be done in your situation, because I'm just as confused. There's times when I want to tell my boyfriend, "if you want to leave, i understand," because if the situation was reversed, I don't know if I could handle it. One thing I will say is, I don't think it's fair that your girlfriend won't talk to you about any of this. I understand that it sucks and it's frustrating for her in her own way, but she needs to at least keep open communication about it. Shutting you out verbally (in addition to shutting you out physically!) is only going to pull you guys further apart. Do you think she may have been abused or something at some point in her life, and that's why she doesn't want to talk about it? It's hard enough to have to deal with a lack of sex in a relationship, but to not talk about it, in my opinion, is even more dangerous.

Good luck with all of this. I definitely feel your pain, even though I'm on the other side of it. It's a really confusing and frustrating situation to be in, when you're with someone you really love and care about but lose a part of the relationship that's really crucial and don't know how to get it back.

[moorgus]

Mable,

Don't apologize for rambling, your answer helped more than you can imagine. It just helps to hear someone else who can understand the situation. So many people on here don't get it and say things like "there's more to love than sex" or "just treat her right elsewhere and quit being a pig about sex". These folks just don't understand the situation. So, thank you for your response.

I hope things get better for you, as well. I do not feel like she has been abused. She has been very open about her past and I think it would have come up. She's talked about a few times when she was sexually assaulted (not full rape, but bad enough) but when she mentioned it, it never seemed to bother her and she told me about it matter of factly, so I don't think that's it, either. I read somewhere that about 1/3rd of women are genetically geared to not want to have sex, so I wonder if that's the case with her and maybe she got it from her mother. Her father cheated on her mom and half of me wants to ask if he did so because he was not getting sex from her (no excuse whatsover, though).

I just don't know. Thank you so much, though.

[allmasterace]

I know I am supper late about this and you are probably over it. But I want to know what happen. Did things work out for you. I am going through the same think right now. My girlfriend was never too into the our sex life. But at least she tried back then. We have been together for 5 years now and we pretty much do everything together. She does not make any attempts to have sex. And when we do, its cause she feels sorry for me. And even then she will stop in the middle of it and says she does not want to do it anymore. It sometimes get to the point were I want to just cry and drop everything I ever worked for. We have been trough so much and I would die for her. But I just can't take it. I am 22 now, I am not the type of guy that wants to screw every girl. I just want to be happy with my girlfriend and I know that sex would make my relationship better with her. I have been stressing over it for a long time now and its begging to show. We talked about it and she just says she does not feel it. I love her and she loves me but I feel we are falling apart. Please let me know how it went and for mable.. can I know what happen to your relationship also

[woomon]

Answer this question... I am in the same hahaha (BED) as Mable
Although I am in my 40's and have been married for 22 yrs...
Its horrible... and driving me crazy... we have always been close in everyway, but subtle problems because of this problem are starting to cause problems... HELP?
And good luck to you all!

[greal0402]

Hi, this is a test to see if my answer is accepted.

[greal0402]

Hi, I will soon be 71 with a strong sex drive with a healthy lifestyle. From my experience you can only change yourself. I was in a 20 year marriage with a person with little or no sex drive. I suffered as you can imagine. I was in my thirties and marooned with this person who otherwise was a good person. Other then survival, sex is the strongest need we have. Nothing can take its place. I left her and found a woman from Paris with all the sex drive I could take. It was like a thirsty man coming to water. I was so happy for 10 years. In love with someone that loved me too. I think people stay in these type of relationships because of low self-esteem or just laziness. Let them find someone with the same sex drive as themselves and you find someone like yourself. No conflict and everyone is happy. -George

[daviddee330]

Hi there I know what you are going through as I'm the same age girlfriend a year younger sex life great at start for the first 3 months shagging every where then out the blue nothing no kissing no touching no sex at all she said I should get some one else when I used to stay over some times you could not get close to hear in bed she would say your to hot and your over my side of bed **** off and then she would turn over and go to sleep ,don't stay much now love her to bits she says she loves me and there is no one else she just has gone off sex ,she had been single for about 10 years and just an odd one night stand ,I have done lots off work in her house and now its all done she's not interested at all .we do lots off stuff together when she wants to even went on holiday thinking oh yes a bit of nookie nothing nothing at all not even a kiss ,I do feel as if I've been used she got the sex out the system got the house done for nothing and now keeps me tangaling should I call it a buy I think I'm flogging a dead horse I have also just came out a sixteen year marriage after wife cheated on me when I was at my work and also have three lovely children also the girlfriend hates children and does,t want to see mine any time soon so friend hope you manage to sort things out as my mind is about ****ed regards david

[chickengrits]

I actually had this same conversation with a friend of mine the other day... then I went to his girlfriend and talked to her about it as well. Except these 2 had been together for a long time and never really had a "sex life" He said she was not aggressive enough for him and she would say that he was not aggressive enough for her. The two had done previous things to one another to lose trust. They both said that no sex had absolutely nothing to do with attraction, as they both were "very much attracted" to one another. They both said, 'it had to do with being selfish, and by that I mean the sex was all for him, or it was all for me. There were days where he or I would constantly worry if the other was being loyal or not. I suppose if you have problems there may be some other reason behind it as in trust. You may want to question honesty in your relationship.

[jwayne111]

I am having the same problem right now... I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 22 I would think she would have a good sex drive but no matter what I do it doesn't work and I feel like when we do have sex it's just because she is giving in and I don't really like it too much I have talked to her about it and she says it's not you its me and she just doesn't know why but she doesn't have a sex drive.. it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me... I have never had someone make me feel like I'm not doing something right in bed but I just feel like its me... we both love each other and I can't picture myself with anyone else but it gets hard at times going without sex for weeks at a time and a relationship is NOT all about sex but it does play a part and with out it there is no relationship I don't want to loose her but I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this... PLEASE HELP!!

[hardtofind]

I've been in a relationship with a woman and sex became less regular She doesn't seem to enjoy it and now we even sleep in separate bedrooms She says she isn't interested in sex and that her cousin and mom where the same way. She is a great person Idon't know what to do

[ceddi]

I am 30years old in I am going through the same thimg at first we were nasty did it every where now is we do it she just lays there no sound no movement nothing I want to leave her on one hand but I love this girl she is the mother of my son and I'm happy with her I just want to have sex more then once every 3months and when we have it I want her to be into it more like she use to help me any body

[tgf59]

It is painfull I ben with my girlfriend for over 3 years I still love her with all my hart I am 52 she is 48 she said she never had a sex drive and after her last child 13 years ago it just dropt more there are times I want to find someone to share love making with but I am not that way I can't do it love her too much she said she wants to see a dr about it we just made love a week ago for first time in a year that is a long time to have to waite it is getting hard to go on like this just wish I knew what to do

[dman25]

I know these posts are old but I'm going through the exact dame thing did anyone ever get their girl to come around this starvation is killing me!! It we had sex like crazy before and then hit a huge dry spell before we went on vacation then things heated up again and since we've been back we have had zero sex and its going on two months I would do anything for this girl anything but I honestly want to feel wanted

[kestrel]

Even though this is an old thread, this whole thread was like reading my life story. I've been with my girl over a year now. I love her like crazy. I just turned 30 and she is 29. I have a sex drive that is on the verge of an addiction. We haven't moved in together, but I masturbate at least once a day (being too honest here). We are planning on moving in together in the beginning of September but I don't know if it's a good idea anymore. She says she has intimacy issues, to say the least. She admits to having depression issues and sees a therapist once a week. Things are just not getting better. I am trying to be patient because I am crazy about her. I know for a fact that she loves me, and that is worth so much to me! I don't want to lose her. She is my best friend, I don't know what I would do without her. There is no one in my life that I feel so close to, but sex is so important to me. I feel guilty about it that it weighs on my mind so often. Since we don't live together, and work different hours, we only sleep in the same bed once a week if that. On those occasions, I look forward to the possibility of sex, but it rarely happens. When it does, I can tell that she doesn't enjoy it. I want her to so bad but I don't know what to do. I want her to enjoy being intimate with me as much as I enjoy it with her. I can be a kinky guy, but she is anything but. I have accepted that the kink may never happen, but I don't know how I can accept such minimal to nill amounts of sex.

I can't help but be upset with her if we go to bed without having sex, and then in the morning I am usually grumpy anyway, and if we don't have sex then it just turns me into an a$$hole. I really don't want to be an ahole and I want to treat her like a queen, but I don't know how to not feel this way. I can't help but feel like she isn't attracted to me, even though she says she is. That she doesn't love me, even though I know she does. It gets to the point where I feel like she doesn't even want to do anything beyond holding hands. Kissing is awkward and quick as though she wants to just get it over with. Even if I try to hug her, she curls her arms up inside and doesn't hug me back; I can tell how uncomfortable she is.

One person said that people should stop being lazy and move on to someone that shares the same levels of intimacy. I have often thought of moving on, as recently as this morning, but I don't want to lose her. At the same time, I don't want us to be in an unhappy, unworkable relationship.

The date when we are planning on moving in together draws nearer and nearer... I don't know what to do. I want more than anything to live with her. I don't know what I would do or where I would go if I didn't, but if the relationship is doomed anyway, I don't see what point there is moving in together if it will all just go to crap. I don't want to be in one of those relationships where we sleep in separate beds or resent each other for simply being the people we are.

I know she appreciates my patience, but I don't see this going away. I am not going to be any less horny the same way that she is not going to get any more so. So what is the point?

I hate the fact that sex is so important to me as much as I hate the fact that sex is such an afterthought to her.

What I haven't read is anyone that knows of a solution to this problem other than breaking up. Is that really the only option?? There has to be something we can try before it comes to that, no? Does anyone have any idea(s)?

[tamara79]

What is the longest people have done without sex?? I'm 32 of age and I'm in a relationship the past 16 months my sex drive is crap and its tearing us apart he argues once a mth and the longest he has went without sex is 10 days I feel under so much pressure I feel I'm getting depressed over it :( I was abused as a child also an I explained that might have something to do with it but he wants a sollution NOW I'm sick of the arguing and bickering he can get very nasty and call me names I feel like leaving him as I'm writing this I do really love him a lot but I hate this forceful nature he has what am I to do please help

[lonelyheart16]

I would love to know if things have turned around for anyone. My girlfriend is wonderful, but we have not had sex since we moved in together, over a year ago, and we have been dating for almost 3 years. I keep trying to understand, and the other day, trying to ascertain what turned her on, I asked her what has ever really just made her burn up inside, and she just didn't understand the question. I'm really frightened, because I have known about desire, and felt it within myself, at least daily, since before I knew what it all meant. I love her very much, and I see physical intimacy as an integral part of emotional intimacy. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. Looking back at the beginning of the relationship, I always initiated, and I always wondered what was missing. I realize now that she simply wasn't into it. I hate it. As I said, I love her, and outside of this, would love to spend my life with her, but I don't know how to come to a place of understanding. There doesn't seem to be any mutual ground. I can be happy with less sex than I would like to have, if it meant that she was there, and that she wanted it, and wanted me. That's all I want is someone who wants me as much as I want them. But I can't do anything about her not wanting to have sex. Anyway, good luck to us all.

[Drbzu]

I'm so glad I found this thread. I felt like I was going crazy and nobody out there would understand what I am going through with my GF. I'm 37 but feel more like 67 right now.

What you all describe is exactly what I am going through. My GF is also getting to the point where she is getting upset by me talking about this on a more and more regular basis, so I can understand her perspective too. This hot girl tells me she loves me and is very very affectionate all the time. We go out a lot and I treat her romantically, treating her to meals, champagne and entertainment. We enjoy all sorts of stuff together and are well matched in every other way.

I've been with my GF for about 9 months and the sex has been bad from the off. I have had plenty of GF's over the years and it's always been great before. I'm fit, athletic, smart, confident and run my own business. Girls are always slightly different, in one way or another, but always good and fun and adventurous. With this girl, it was obvious right from day one that she was not into it. At first, I blamed myself. I got paranoid, it must be me, my behavior, my performance etc. Then, I decided I enjoyed a challenge. Nope. After 1000 rejections, it just gets worse.

Now I know, after trying everything, she just isn't into sex. And no, its not just me. She tells me now that her last BF, who she was with for over a year, they never had sex once. We have managed about 2-3 times a month since the start, so she considers this a highly active sex life...

The worst bit isn't the sexual frustration at all. Its laying next to somebody you love and care for, who is a hot girl, and who you lust for, who simply does not want you back. On one hand you love this person, but they hurt you deeply every day without even realizing they are doing it. I only see her at the weekends, so expect us to be pretty much ripping each others cloths off when we finally meet up. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen. These days, we go out, we come home, I get a goodnight peck on the cheek and she turns her back on me. At this point I am dumbfounded, hurt... wounded. Ultimately by Monday morning I become depressed. I cheer myself up for business, but it takes its toll on my morale.

Yes I have tried talking. Its emotional. She seems to acknowledge that I have needs in some sort of theoretical way. But nothing changes. I think, in the end, you can't make somebody want something they don't want.

She just doesn't understand why anybody could get upset about it. To her, its simply a non-issue. Its like I'm asking her to indulge in some strange hobby. She actually had me thinking that I was somehow strange for wanting sex more than a few times a month, I really had started to doubt myself. That's why I'm here I guess.

Recently she has taken it to a new level. Now she says oral (on her, never me) gives her an infection. Now touching gives her thrush. Now sex makes her sore. Erotica is disgusting. She tells me she has never masturbated because that's wrong. Somehow I have gotten pulled into this downward spiral and let this happen to me, one small rejection at a time.

People, we have to end these ed up relationships and move on to happier times. She's talking about moving in. I'd love to spend my life with her, if she had a libido it would be brilliant. But eventually I will make her every bit as miserable with this as she is making me. It will fall apart eventually and we will have wasted years. Its going to be hard. She's a great girl and we work in every other way. I just don't think this is the sort of problem that gets better. People cannot change their sex drive any more than they can change their personality or need for oxygen.

[Kevin860]

Yes I am in the same boat as jwayne111. My girlfriend and I are both 20 and the relationship is still new. Although we have only been together for several months, she has little to no sex drive. She has a busy very busy schedule and lives an hour from me, but my schedule is very free (when I'm not in college). So with this being said I understand that there will be little times too see each other, but when we do, she is always too tired, or something comes up. I give her the benefit of the doubt due to here insanely busy schedule, but even when I try small intimate things like making out, she always pulls away. Anything more than two two kisses in a row and she is done. I've never been with a partner that doesn't even want to kiss! Before anyone questions, I know she is completely loyal, so could it really be her personality? I've only had one previous sexual partner in the past but she has had more (not to state the number). Could it be that she has gotten it out of her system? Given my age and history I find it depressing to fall into the sexual life of a couple with a failing marriage.

Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks.