I retired and moved out of state 2 years ago to help babysit my 3 grandchildren, 3 and younger. I have been divorced for 20 years. Besides babysitting 3 days a week, I usually cook a weekly meal for my son's family.
My ex husband was abusive but I have attended children's milestones with him there with dignity there are always others to talk to.
This past weekend my son threw a big party and I was not included. My other son asked me why I wasn't there but I was not invited.
I am beyond hurt and don't know how to deal with it. My ex and the other in laws were there. Any suggestions?
Hurt in PA

The obvious answer is to ask your party-throwing son why you weren't invited. Be sure to ask without causing upset and grief and leveling accusations.

I forgot to invite an uncle once, I just assumed he knew.

If, you are so close, doing all of this, it would appear you could ask, or have other son ask.

Only the party giver knows why

Better to ask and find out... otherwise your mind will invent all sorts of reasons, most or all of them may be wrong.

This is something between you and your son that threw the party, and obviously he didn't share this with his brother. I would ask him directly. Be prepared that whatever he says may not make you feel better, so expect to find ways to deal with your hurt.

This is a tough one, and a hurtful one. Not being invited to the party, it's hurtful, but everyone else that posted, is right. Only your son has the answers as to why he didn't invite you. It may be that he just thought you'd know and show. It may be more. It may be that when you ask him why, you won't like the answer.

You've been divorced for 20 years. Do your kids know why you divorced? Do they know that their dad was abusive? Maybe they don't need to know that, but maybe this son doesn't know any of it, and sided with dad, and wants dad in his life more than he wants you.

So, do you want to tell him now why the divorce happened? Do you want to air that dirty laundry?

It may come down to you telling him horrible things about a dad he obviously loves, so that he'll take your side. Do you want to go there? Do you want to air all of that baggage out?

First I'd ask him why you weren't invited. Ask him to be honest with you, be honest with him and tell him that you were hurt by being left out. Then talk about it, and try to find a middle ground, one where he can love you, and his dad too.

Not an easy thing to do, and I don't envy you for having to do it, but that's the only option. You have to decide how much you want to hurt him because he hurt you. That's what it comes down to.

I'm so sorry that this is hurting you. You don't deserve it. But hurt is sadly a part of life. I hope that you find a way to reconcile this, and find peace with this son.

I wish you the best of luck.

I agree with the others, but I'm not so sure about asking directly, because often that brings either lies or resentment or both. Lies might be "I did ask so and so to ask you" or "I thought you knew." Frustrating, right? Awful. Opens cans of worms.

I would be more inclined to go right to a gentle expression of hurt, and let him respond.
Then take it from there, prepared to keep your emotions in check and the conversation short, for the sake of your future with this son.
Who knows, maybe your ex said something like "Does your mother have to be there," or there's something going on with his wife (if he has one) that is best left unsaid.
Was the party in honor of your ex, and your son maybe asked him if he preferred that you not be invited.
Finding out can be worse sometimes.