I joined this site about 5 minutes ago. I've been reading questions & answers for about an hour and am very impressed with the site. I need to give you background before I ask the question I would really like to have honest answers for.

My life has been very happy at times and pure devastation at others. I was sexually abused, by my babysitter's husband for the first six years of my life. Because of his threats, I never told anyone until I was 42. A number of mental health professionals have told me that the abuse started at a pre verbal age (before I was old enough to talk). On the advice of my therapist, I told my parents. Most of the time, I'm sorry I did. They felt responsible and a great deal of pain. I married at 19, a man 9 years my senior. He left me after 9 months for a woman he had been seeing for 6 months. He made awful accusations about my sexual abilities (He was my first). I waited for 2 weeks before I told anyone (my parents). I was single for 10 years. There was a low grade sadness in my life, even before the marriage.

At the age of 30, I married the most wonderful man in the world. We enjoyed the same things and just loved life. He was 17 years my senior. After 2 years of marriage we had a beautiful son. I was the most blessed woman in the world. My family meant the world to me. I loved planning intricate family events and became very outgoing, very giving and very busy with "helping people". Within about 8 years, I began having problems with depression. The short story is that I was diagnosed with severe depression, acute anxiety disorder & PTSD. I had a great physician who prescribed medications that made my life with the depression a lot easier. My happy, energetic life continued.

During the twelfth year of our marriage, I began having nightmares and very vivid flashbacks of my childhood abuse. These became so severe that I could barely function. In the early hours of one morning, I realized that I was experiencing a very real nightmare or the worst flashback I had ever had. At some point I realized I was awake, got out of bed and on my knees on the floor and heard myself begging in a child's voice to please not hurt me any more. My husband awoke and witnessed most of the terror of the flashback. When the episode was over, I had near seizure strength full body tremors for well over an hour. Again, the short story, my husband was unable to handle this horror. He couldn't understand what was happening to me and within a very short time, he wanted a separation. We divorced after 2 years of separation.

Until now, I had never felt such helpless, hopeless loneliness. A couple of years later, I ran into a woman that I had been great friends with in high school, but lost contact with for 30 years. Short story, we became very attracted to each other and ended up being joined in a civil Holy Union ceremony a year and a half later. Once again, all was perfect in my world. I warned her about my depression, first thing, and the fact that it could get better, worse or stay the same. She was not put off by any of those possibilities. My son was our biggest fan, which made things even better. His father had become my best friend. We shared all holidays together, for our son and because of the friendship between he and my partner. Once again, all was right in my world. I won't try to describe the love and happiness we shared, even after my depression became more and more severe. She was always there for me, helped me every step of the way, even when I began losing my memory. The memory loss became so severe that I lost my job in a career I had loved for 30+ years. I qualified for disability, but my main "helping people" outlet was gone. Still my partner stayed right by my side. My son, in the midst of all the job loss depression, became very distant, and within a very short time decided that he hated me. I have yet to learn the reason why, but I have no relationship with him at all. I've seen him once in 2 yr.

Six months ago, I lost my Daddy at 81. I was a huge "Daddy's girl" all my life. His funeral is the one time I've seen my son. He was a pallbearer. Needing to stay strong for my mother, I went about doing all the things that have to be done after a death legally, writing hundreds of notes and helping my Mother emotionally. I remained in a state of shock. After about 3 months, I woke up consumed with grief over Daddy's death. I was all but incapacitated. I didn't eat, sleep, talk any more than necessary, went from my bed to the sofa and back to bed at night. Still my partner stood by me, stronger than ever. In the midst of my grief, I lost my 18 year old cat who had been through more things than I can name with me and always knew when I needed her to be close. With the help of my doctor, my condition became somewhat better, but the depression still lingers. Anger became a part of the depression and I lashed out at people for reasons that only made sense to me.

Three weeks ago, my precious partner sent me an email, while at work, saying that we were going to separate. She needed time to think, a couple of weeks. Two days ago, she told me that our relationship is over and she is moving on with her life. I will never be able to put into words how I feel. The closest I can come is to say that I feel I have lost my life. I never saw this coming, not even in a tiny way. She will not be convinced to go to counseling and try to work this out. After 15 of the greatest years of my life, it's over. I'm living with my Mother right now. She does her best to comfort the pain for which there is no comfort.

For anyone who may still be reading this epic, this is my question. I was raised VERY Baptist who believe the body is the temple of God, and should be kept as such, but never come right out and say that if you commit suicide, you will most certainly not be able to go to Heaven. I have had lots of Catholic friends over the years, quite devout, who say that if you take your own life, you will spend eternity in hell. What should I believe? I've felt suicidal several times in my life, but never went through with it because I needed the answer to that question. I would so appreciate anyone and everyone's opinion. Sorry for the long story. I wanted to explain all that has brought me to where I am today. Thank you.

Thoughts of killing yourself is merely part of the depression and mental issues. Those should be discussed with your doctors.

The issues of being abused as a child, is bad, and can cause life times of issues, but with proper treatment should not be making you have such extreme issues.

While divorce and separation can be painful, many can not handle the issues of serious depression year after year after year of their partner. I do not know what continual treatment you do, or if after you feel a little better you stop treatment?

My first wife was murdered and our youngest found her, with her the back of her head and brains splattered on the wall. My next wife, left me, (I found out later) when she was given 6 months to live due to cancer. (she lived 3 after leaving me)

I lost everything, all my retirement when there was all that issue with stock investments and retirement funds.

My $250,000 home is barely worth 40,000 right now, due to the real estate crash and the change in neighborhoods after 100's of foreclosures in the area.

My mother died, one day, before she was to sign the new will, I lost almost a million dollars because of this.

While yes bad things happen, I am perhaps one of the happiest people you will ever meet.

Yesterday is past, nothing can change it, it is our choices for tomorrow. We stop living our life for others and make the choices that is right for us.

There is nothing about your first divorce that should even be of interest to talk about today, less to even effect your life now.

It is time for serious mental health evaluation and to get to the root of the problems.

Yes it is the Christian and Catholic (Catholics are Christians) that if you kill yourself, you will not go to heaven.

Thank you so much. Your sincerity means a lot to me. I see why you are an expert/moderator. I have been in treatment with a psychiatrist/pharmacologist, therapist and medications since the onset of my depression. I have never stopped
Treatment because I felt better. I do have a terrible time finding meds that will work for very long. Over all the years, I have been on more than 45 different meds. Abilify for instance. I had great success with it. I felt as if I had a brand new life with no
Depression at all. After nearly a year, my brain stopped metabolizing it and the result
Was terrible. The reason I see a pharmacologist is I need all the help I can get with
Finding the right meds.

Sorry, I left out part of what I wanted to say. Your life makes mine look like a birthday party. I can't imagine that you can feel any kind of happiness, after such tragedies. I admire people like you. At one time in my life, I could put my problems in perspective & move on, even enough to be very happy. My situation has been: younger person, easier problems to handle, older person, tough problems seem insurmountable. I feel as though I will never be happy again and the people who care about me don't deserve to have to deal with my constant sadness. That is sure to get old very fast. My family is far too dear to me to make them miserable when they have to be around me. I lost the love of my life because of the depression. Who's to say I wouldn't lose my family in the same way?

One thing that stood out as I read your story, was through all the traumas, and valleys, you never gave up on yourself and always bounced back. These recent challenges, while close together, and make your thoughts so dark, are temporary as the ones before because I think you will find a way to get through this and regain your strength simply because that's your history, and all you need is TIME.

I have no advice really, since you already know what to do, and how to help yourself, and have faith after this episode(s) pass you will find your happiness again. One thing you are not is a quitter, and even though you have dark thoughts now, you still are working through them, like the fighter you obviously are. That last paragraph pretty much sums up your TRUE intentions to get through this rough patch and get back to helping others get through theirs, and I have to thank YOU for the inspiration, and much admire your courage.

Thank you for sharing, and for NOT giving in to the gloom. Life has knocked you down many times, yet you just keep getting up. I place my bet on you succeeding....AGAIN!

I am sorry you have been struggling for so long. No one said life was easy, and yours has been particularly rough.

My my uncle, my mother's brother, suffered from, what we realize now, un diagnosed depression. He self-medicated with drugs and alcohol until his suicide in 2002. He was also estranged from his children, and now because of the estrangement and suicide, his adult children are now suffering. While suicide ended his pain, it caused a great deal of pain for those of us he left behind.

My father also suffered depression from years of mental and physical abuse as a child. He was hospitalized many times for his depression and was even given electric shock therapy to no avail. But he never gave up. His mantra every morning was "I can't let my past define me as a person, as a man, or as a parent." He was also estranged from my brother. My father passed of natural causes at the age of 72, and my brother now suffers because they never made peace between them.

Yes, you have had what feels like insurmountable trials and tribulations, but you CAN get through this. Continue with therapy, be honest with your docs. My father was a religious man, he felt comfort, at particularly hard times, talking to his priest. Is there a pastor in your church you can talk to?

One loss at a time!

It seems that not ever recovering from one loss, another is upon you, and they have built up and built up. Through your post I don't read where you have ever recovered from one loss enough, before the next one happens.

What have your therapists said in recent months, about the direction your therapy should be going. Are your therapists aware of the full history, and current overwhelming feels of loss- specific to explanations of same? As these things have happened gradually, I'm wondering if any therapy has helped enough to know the entire picture of how your life has gone.

If it is a measure of how you are feeling simply from a medication point of view, perhaps the medication losing its ability to help, has something to do with part B of the problem, which could be the lack of support in therapy to address the losses at the same time.

What I'm saying is the dozens of prescriptions you have had over the years to treat your depression, PTSD, and anxiety have helped only temporarily, and I'm wondering why that is.

Not all therapists are cut from the same cloth. I urge you to go to a therapist and bring a copy of your post. I also suggest that you begin journaling every day. Buy a binder/notebook, and at the same time every day, write out the thoughts, flashbacks, memories that you have had that day. Keep this diary going, and have your therapist read it before you begin a session.

For your own peace of mind, you may find that writing will help put things in perspective. By that I mean, you can identify why you've had a lousy day (memories), and why you've had a good day (feeling better about dealing with the feelings and experiences that set you back)

You are already half way there, and have been, many times, when the medication is working. That is the time to deal with all of your history- when you are strong. No medication will erase what you have been through, but, it will make you able to deal with it in a healthier way.

In the long run, you will realize that you cannot change the past, you can however, learn to put the past to rest, or at least in a place where you feel well enough to add a better future.

Group therapy can be a benefit to you as well. If you have already tried it and it wasn't helpful, again, there are many therapists who may end up being a better fit, and a better leader than what you have experienced.

I'm sure the last thing you want to do is start again with an evaluation and a plan of care. But, I really don't see any other way. Had therapy and medication worked over the long term, you would not be in the position you are in now.

Please seek help.

What I read is you are dependent on others and outside forces such as a good job for your happiness and maybe your self worth. When a relationship, friendship, or job goes bad it puts you in the emotional valley of depression. When one of those things goes right, you are at the emotional peak of happiness. What I have found AND taught myself is that relying on others or things for happiness brings you fake happiness that won't last.

Many of us here have had horrible pasts that we would like to have wiped from our memory banks. Mine mirrors yours in many ways. I had a complete meltdown at 23. Unfortunately this just didn't involve me at the time. I was married with two young sons. After several months of severe depression I woke up one day and decided enough was enough. I was not going to allow the people that hurt me to reign over my life for one second more. My mother got me a self help video which showed me that I and only me was in control of how I felt and dealt with people and outside forces. It made so much sense to me I still believe in it 20 years later. I believe the guy's name was Ed Forman.

I've had to deal with some things since then. 9 years of Alzheimer's with my mom and 3 years of a really bad brain tumor with my dad which was at the same time as my mother's issues. They died 2 months apart. It was a tough period but I survived just fine.

This worked for me. I believe strongly when a door is slammed shut in your face it's your job to kick a new door open. Nobody is going to write the next chapter in my life but me.

I wish you well.

I too have struggled with a life of depression.
1. Please don't compare your grief to anyone else's on a rating scale.
2. I agree that you are dependent on others for your happiness. What struck me is that you wanted your most recent partner to go to a therapist with you, when she stood by you for so long. YOU need therapy, and that speaks volumes about how you draw others into your life too much. All she needed was a sad and appreciative goodbye. Join a therapy group for those who were sexually molested as children, if you can find one, and if you can't, start one.
3. Each of us carries suffering differently. I know a woman who was farmed out for sex to a fake 'uncle' along with her sister, by their parents, in exchange for money. She wants to talk about it, but her sister hangs up on her. Neither is more 'right' than the other.
SUICIDE:
I personally have no religious constraints or opinions about it, and don't feel that it is wrong, as long as there are no children dependent on you. I would like to be dead because of physical pain, which started about 35 years ago, and contributed in a big way to my failed relationships. But I was depressed since about 50+ years ago, so that contributed too. I deliberately didn't have children so that I could keep my options open. It isn't easy, however, especially when you don't feel like being violent, and suicide is violence. Even overdosing has a sense of violence, not as much as a bullet or jumping or crashing a car, but that also brings up the possibility of failure. Failure with damage is pretty scary to me. So I bide my time, and hope for more tolerance for assisted suicide.

I think anyone who has endured childhood sexual rape and who manages to have some good relationships and even jobs, and who writes as well as you do, deserves a big pat on the back.
Maybe in addition or in lieu of a group, you could start a blog with online participation.
I'm sure there are some out there already.