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    jakasmizo's Avatar
    jakasmizo Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 4, 2013, 12:39 PM
    How do I ask my girlfriend to stop talking about her past?
    Giving the Readers Digest version, I am late 20s with a 5 year old daughter. I own my own restaurant that is one year old, and spend a lot of time there ensuring that it is run smoothly in the infancy of the business. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (early mid 20s) for 6 months. I love her dearly and have so much fun with her.

    Our three issues are obviously my daughter, the restaurant and her constantly talking about the past. My daughter and the restaurant I knew we would not always see eye to eye on, and that is acceptable, but the thing that bothers me the most is here constant need to talk (in front of me) about her past.

    Whether it is joking with friends, or posting things on Facebook, such as screen shots of conversations with her friends about how she forgot what her prom dress looked like her junior year. Her friend replied " that was the year of name of her ex, you should remember it as being drunk riding around in his truck :)"

    I have had several conversations with her about this and how it hurts my feelings to no avail. She continues on a weekly basis bringing it up, or as I feel, throwing it in my face. She recently asked me to move in with her in her newly purchased house and I said we need to give it a few months. My hold up is how and I focus on OUR future when she is constantly reliving the past?

    Am I wrong to think this? What should I do?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #2

    Aug 4, 2013, 12:45 PM
    If you have expressed your feelings and she has ignored them she is, at best, being disrespectful. You, of course, cannot control what her friends post/say.

    I'd be concerned about the disrespect and total disregard for your feelings.

    On the other hand, are you being oversensitive? I also dated "other people." I can't change that.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #3

    Aug 4, 2013, 01:22 PM
    Talking about your past is normal to an extent. Ask her how she would feel if you brought up past events with ex's on a daily basis. If she is doing this while you are running your business you need to tell her that that definitely has got to stop. Tell her you are not ready to move in while her past is in the way. You feel it would be too crowded
    jakasmizo's Avatar
    jakasmizo Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 4, 2013, 02:24 PM
    I have asked her to place herself in my shoes and she says she would feel the same way as me. I agree that it is OK to an extent, but not several times a week or even once a week. Thanks for your reply.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #5

    Aug 4, 2013, 02:42 PM
    Maybe Its going to take you making comments like I remember a time when ________ would. __________ and __________.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #6

    Aug 4, 2013, 02:57 PM
    I think that six months of knowing her, is not enough to move you and your daughter into her home.

    Not to mention you have already a serious issue about her bringing up her past.

    I have been married 37 years this past July 17th, and I STILL hear about my husband's past. We both have friends that go back to primary school, and in fact, still keep in touch with many from our pasts.

    Be careful that there isn't some jealousy going on there from you.

    I know that even the funniest stories of my husband's escapades- when a woman was mentioned- it got my girdle in a knot.

    I think that time will assure you that she is just a person who likes to talk about her past life, and when time moves on for the two of you, your lives together will be that much, or more, meaningful in the long run.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #7

    Aug 4, 2013, 03:50 PM
    This is what I hinged my answer on:

    "I have had several conversations with her about this and how it hurts my feelings to no avail. she continues on a weekly basis bringing it up or as i feel, throwing it in my face. she recently asked me to move in with her in her newly purchased house and i said we need to give it a few months. my hold up is How and i focus on OUR future when she is constantly reliving the past? am i wrong to think this? what should i do?"


    Hurts his feelings? Throws it in his face?

    Agreed - do not bring a child into this household.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Aug 4, 2013, 05:53 PM
    Never ignore the red flags you are seeing be it her fault, or yours, because they do come back to bite you and grow in annoyance. Keep dating in perspective, have fun, but without those deep long term commitments, or high hopes. Much too soon to expose your daughter to someone you are not sure of after 6 months. Much more to learn and see if you can get used too.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 4,005, Reputation: 468
    Education Expert
     
    #9

    Aug 4, 2013, 06:02 PM
    If she has any problems with your life, as in your daughter and your restaurant, you should reconsider this relationship. Also, you should not expose your child to every woman you date. Moving in with her after 6 months is not good parenting. Your daughter should be the center of your world.

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