Hi, I am 23 years old. I recently moved in with my most wonderful fiancé "excuse some incorrect spelling, english is not my first language". I am a successful education student and will be graduating at the end of next year. I know I am intelligent and I ussualy do not struggle to make sense of my life. I have concervative parents that do not really see me as depressed, because I have everything I want, as they say, but I did see a pchycologist at the university in 2010, I got help with my issues and emotions and I got anti depressants. My mother soon explained to me that those pills were to expensive so I had to stop using them before they really had time to do what they were supposed to do. That time went over as a phase that I went through, according to people that had to support me. My fiancé went to america for two years that I had to stay in SA, and we survived and are getting married soon. I live off his income until I graduate and get a job. It is like my life is supposed to be perfect, all the plans are working and my fiancé are to open a new buseness also soon. Now to get to my real story, I can not speak to my fiancé or friend or family about the way I am feeling, they do not see it as a disease, it is like they think I pitty myself if I would talk about it, and it would be so aukward and the conversation are cut off. I come forth as a very positive person and I am always cheering people up, but deep inside of me I never really want to do anything, I get fEelings of disgust in myself and I just want to be dead or asleep, not to face reality. I do not have the mony for professional help or medication now. I just want to get a hold of my life, but I can not, inside of myself I am spiralling downwards, I never feel a sense of belong, always this physical disgust in myself and I think so much about suicide, some days I just sit down in one spot and cry for hours, but I will never show it to other people. I don't know what to do. I really feel stuck and restricted with keeping my thaughts so much inside of me. How is it possible that I am such an opertomistic and exiting joyful "mask" of a person and still be this sad and disgusted in who I am and never feel like doing anything, it really does feel like the idea of suicide is my only hope " even if I know rationally inside of me that it is the most selfish act that any one could ever do"