Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Feb 3, 2021, 05:34 AM
    Ex friend of 20 years on my mind
    Hi all.


    I have quite a bit of a story so maybe you can help me out as I am not sure anymore what to think.


    I have had a “best friend” Jen since I was about 10 (I am now 35). We grew up together, went to the same schools, did everything together basically! Very close you could say. She was always my first port of call for everything and I for her, we supported each other greatly over the years, although when I look back on it now, it seems that it was mostly me doing much of the work, but she wasn’t totally leaving it up to me either. Maybe I just had more time on my hands, who knows. She is slightly narcissistic and also had been recently diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder around 4 years ago or so. This ties into my story, if you read further:
    Obviously things change as you get older but I don’t know if this fits into the category of ‘life’s changes’. Bear with me as this is a little complex.

    I was seeing a lad for a while, it was mostly sex, and I eventually (long story short here) became a victim of revenge porn by him and his friends. They were harassing me constantly online and I remember feeling the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt during this period, as well as trauma. I have been through therapy because of this and am ok with this issue now. What I mean is, I now know how better to manage the symptoms of trauma.

    My best friend at the time refused to talk to me about any of this when it was happening and told me she “didn’t have the tools necessary” to help me out. She told me she thinks that I made the whole revenge porn scenario up and that nobody was harassing me online and that I was delusional. This baffled me at the time, and hurt immensely. Why would I make this up? I also had proof which she refused to look at and just kept calling me delusional. To me at the time, despite feeling overwhelmingly hurt, put it down to her new anxiety disorder diagnosis. She told me also that she was “setting boundaries” with me and didn’t want to talk to me about the issue anymore.

    She then got engaged and asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed, she then demanded the entire wedding party fly to the south of France in the space of 4 months for her wedding for an entire week. At the time, I just couldn’t get the time off (new healthcare role, quite important that I stayed that week in particular) so offered that I come for the weekend only. She told me this was unacceptable, starting calling me delusional and a liar telling her I would be her bridesmaid, then withdrew the offer. She hung up the phone screaming at me telling me that I should be prioritising her as her best friend of 20 years. I remained totally silent.

    We smoothed things out to some degree and I did end up going to her wedding for a weekend as a guest. She ignored me while she was sober and kept mentioning another friend as her best friend in all the speeches, ok. Later on that evening she got really drunk and came over to me to tell me she loved me etc. However, after her wedding, I still decided to step back a little to see what would happen, as I often feel like I am the one putting in all the work. Needless to say, I only heard from her again on my birthdays over the last 2 years. She never called, never texted, never invited me to her subsequent parties, and I did and said nothing. This all happened a few years ago.

    I began to stop making the effort really and muted her online. I did deal with what my ex did to me in therapy, but maybe I should have dealt with this too. She has been on my mind again because I logged into facebook and saw that she had been liking photos of us at 3am. Then she randomly blocked me.

    I guess I’m asking for advice here. I know I stopped making an effort and she didn’t make one back either. I was going through a traumatic experience, was I wrong to try to talk to my friend about it? Why was this her reaction? Was she ever my friend at all? Why can’t I get her off my brain?


    Any advice welcome
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #2

    Feb 3, 2021, 06:03 PM
    Hello Aseika, welcome back. I will try to shed some light on your issues as I have read them.

    She never called, never texted, never invited me to her subsequent parties, and I did and said nothing. This all happened a few years ago.
    I think it's obvious for whatever reason HER life has changed over the years, as no doubt so has yours. We all go through that at some point as people, places and things change around us and we get busy dealing with them.

    I began to stop making the effort really and muted her online. I did deal with what my ex did to me in therapy, but maybe I should have dealt with this too. She has been on my mind again because I logged into facebook and saw that she had been liking photos of us at 3am. Then she randomly blocked me.
    As stated above you both had life changing events to deal with and probably the physical distance helped separate you even further as your lives just went in different direction. I think you both get a bit nostalgic for the good times that were better. Possibly triggered by current event in your lives now that may not be so great. Though your lives have created a distance who can divorce themselves entirely from their past memories that find their way from the depths of your mind and heart to the surface of your NOW feelings?

    That's NORMAL to be haunted occasionally from our past as we get older and on with our own lives. The trick I think is coping with your own feelings during these times. This is where it's helpful to figure out the what what's triggering those feelings and not dwell so much as to why. At least that may give you a coping strategy for those feelings.

    I guess I’m asking for advice here. I know I stopped making an effort and she didn’t make one back either. I was going through a traumatic experience, was I wrong to try to talk to my friend about it? Why was this her reaction? Was she ever my friend at all? Why can’t I get her off my brain?
    I think she was a good friend at one time but the sharing and caring turned to rejection, disappointment and that can be hurtfully frustrating. I don't think it's ever wrong to reach out to old friends but expectations must be tempered because you never know where their heads are at or the situation their in. We all go through life changing events with different levels of hurts and traumas. Maybe she never had help through hers, but you yourself know that even with the best help full recovery could take years.

    I wouldn't take any of this personally at this time, and hope you both can get to a better place in your lives even if it's really hard to cope with the memories of what was so great, but ain't no more. Please feel free to agree or disagree or add your own insights.
    aseika's Avatar
    aseika Posts: 39, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Feb 8, 2021, 01:14 AM
    Thanks so much Talaniman. Haunting is right.

    I have no idea what is triggering this. I know that she randomly liked some old photos of us a few weeks ago and then blocked me straight away... that was strange I have to say after years of silence. I felt like she wanted my attention, maybe it was her narcisism! Or maybe I seem to just rub her up the wrong way online. It seems to have brought up old feelings that were, most likely, pushed aside at the time to deal with something else? Who knows. 20 years is a long time to be close to somebody I guess.



    I guess now is the time to deal with all of this. I'm not exactly sad that we aren't friends anymore, we have so little in common these days and she clearly was no longer my friend anymore in the end. It's such a strange feeling!


    Thanks again!
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #4

    Jul 25, 2021, 12:21 PM
    20 years is a long time. But sometimes friendships run its course when you grow apart and have different priorities.

    For example, you may have had friends for fewer than 5 years and still drifted apart. You may have hung on longer to this friendship than others, but that doesn't mean that it won't eventually grow apart.

    I would say, you had great memories together and at some point in time, you were very important to each other. But maybe it's best for BOTH of you to move on now. Maybe one day you will reconnect, but for now, best to leave it be so not to make it worse.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

What mean we will grow stronger as friend and we laught years , many years down line [ 0 Answers ]

What mean we will grow stronger as friend and we laught years, many years down line ?

Friend house haunted? Or mayb messin my mind up [ 7 Answers ]

When I was at my friend house the TV was off and the light, the TV and light turned on and off for like 4 sec. The scary part was when we had a chocolate Twix we were eatting it and talking when 1 bar flew over her head. My friend looked behind her mirror and it said Murder. Me, my friend and her...

I left my girlfriend who was my best friend for the best... Or the worst for my mind. [ 9 Answers ]

Hi everyone, I will start by saying that I'm a French canadien so English is not my main language but I can still manage well with it. So please, if you don't understand something ask me to specify/explain. I will try my best to make my text structured and readable. I'm a soon to be 20 years...

With my girlfriend of 3 years, wandering mind. [ 10 Answers ]

Hi everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read this post, this is the first time I have done anything like this so please bare with me. I will have been with my girlfriend 3 years in the new year. We met at uni (we are both 22 years old) and we have only ever been sexually intimate with each...

My friend's mind! [ 2 Answers ]

Well I am 15 yrs old and the a couple days ago she told me she wanted to get pregnant. She's turning 16 on sept 9. I told her not 2 make a mistake but she just won't listen... The worst thing is she is not ready to have sex yeah she's a virgin... she doesn't do anything on her own she relies on...


View more questions Search