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    kouka's Avatar
    kouka Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Sep 12, 2005, 10:36 AM
    Am I a psycho ?
    Well I think many of you will hate me :(
    I'm 31y , married to a very very nice person who loves me more than any one or any thing but I cheated him .I knew someone else and to be honest some times I can't be sure I love him any way we are in this relation for more than 7 years now .
    I love my husband ,some times I hate him.. same with my lover . In fact I enjoy hurting them..
    I don't know what's wrong with me and don't know what do.. I made the decision many time to stop this relation most of the time because I feel terribly guilty but I couldn't.. my life is empty without him.. I know you may say I have nothing to do in my life and that's why I need him but no I have a career and family and friends " just 2"
    Do I need to see a Therapist?
    I'm really confused :(
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member

    Sep 25, 2005, 07:16 PM
    You definitely need to see a therapist. Find out what your medical insurance will cover and make arrangements accordingly. You need extensive treatment and it will probably become quite costly. However, it will be money well spent. It is obvious, even from your brief post, that you have some serious, deep-rooted issues. With competent, professional help the chances are good that you'll be able to uncover and deal with them but it will take time and patience. Good luck!
    dimples's Avatar
    dimples Posts: 256, Reputation: 9
    Full Member

    Sep 26, 2005, 06:19 AM
    A lot of people have problems in their marriages & you are just one of the many who has cheated on your spouse. We cannot deny that as time goes by, we feel the spark in our marriage has left. We know our spouses way too well that nothing surprises us anymore. And hence, affairs are initiated. Not for the reason of HURTING anybody intentionally but to feel young & desired once again. I do suggest you open up to your spouse about the affair. Tell him everything & seek counselling.
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,929, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member

    Sep 26, 2005, 06:26 AM
    My first marriage ended in divorce after 7 yrs; but now, with my current wife, have been married for going on 29 yrs.
    Current statistics show that, now, a little over half of all marriages end in divorce!
    You have one choice to save your marriage; tell your husband, and the two of you go to a Professional marriage counselor, together.
    If you don't tell him, you will NOT get any better, and the guilt feelings will only grow more and more, and things will get a lot worse!
    For your own peace of mind, get if off your chest, tell him, and go from there.
    Both of you, together, if you both love each other, will work it out, but you both need to go together to a marriage counselor. The counselor can then advise you as to whether you, yourself, might need further Professional help.
    I do wish you the best,
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
    Uber Member

    Sep 26, 2005, 07:28 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by kouka
    . in fact i enjoy hurting them .(
    Based on this, yes you have a problem. Seek professional help.
    shenda's Avatar
    shenda Posts: 160, Reputation: 21
    Junior Member

    Sep 26, 2005, 08:29 AM
    Help to maximize a professional ear
    If you decide to seek professional help, remember they are bound by your forthcoming insights. They need your full co-operation:

    First... earnestly... why do you really enjoy hurting the men in your life, is it a form of retaliation, if so, is it direct or indirect. In other words, are they personally responsible for the source of your agony or are they mere stand-ins for the person(s) whom are now out of your reach of influence, out of your sphere of control.

    Secondly... Is it that you enjoy hurting them or do you enjoy the sense of power gained by introducing them to a realm of helplessness... you know the value these men place on being there for you... why are you afraid? Do you feel that by transferring "your state of fear and helplessness" will suddenly propel you to overcome? Have you reached the point whereby you KNOW that no matter what you do to them, it does not change the way you feel inside. Have you accepted the fact that it is Normal, it is all right to be LOVED by someone. Have you made a final resolve within yourself that you will trust in LOVE and not fear the uncharted waters that await ahead. Have you made up your mind to include love as your portion, in spite of the fact that many around you have not truly experienced it. Have you decide that you are worthy of adoration and that he whom you strike out at, is not there to cause you pain but aid in pleasure.

    If you desire to experience in this life, all that you have imagined, you must stop hiding behind this fake wall of defense. Become more offensive. You can not continue to draw a line in the sand and not allow anyone to get close to you. IT is a miserable form of life and you want and expect more than that; however, it begins with you. They can't read your mind, you must open up and not be afraid. You will be surprised that they will be able to embrace and love the REAL you, but you rob them, you cheat them of experiencing life with you. This extramarital affair is your subconscious screaming "I want to be known by my husband". Answer the cry of your heart... Let your husband know you... permit him in and stop reasoning his response, you do not know what his response will be... give him an opportunity... moreover extend this opportunity to yourself. ALLow life to be your portion. Think about it, you have a chance to BE who you are and on top of that have someone LOVE you. It is less stressful to simply BE, more pleasurable than hiding behind a fake wall of defence. The ultimate choice is yours to make. Whatever you decide... I hope that it liberates you, releases you from the self-constructed prison that you have created for yourself. I know that life has dealt you a bad hand, one that screams, "Protect yourself"... don't let anyone in; however, if you silence the madness... it can not speak. Think about it, when you are alone with your thoughts, you see a more liberated being, you see yourself in a different life... your current actions attempts to silence your core being; however, unsuccessfully. Reason... you can never silence the essence of who you are... your core being Rules and when it is suppressed, it fights back with the same intensity refusing to be a victim of Identity Theft. Your core is REAL, it is the pureset essence of your life force... it will not be denied... it will remind you ever-so-gently, ever-so-confidently, that until you unleash the ties that binds, you will only experience a shadow of things to come... you are the one who must decide... life abundantly or crumb-snatcher shadow of life.
    lavaya23's Avatar
    lavaya23 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 25, 2005, 04:25 PM
    Someone who's been here
    I realize that this was left awhile ago and you may have already taken steps to change your current situation, if not then hopefully what I say will help you out. I have also cheated. I was pregnant with our child and he hadn't touched me since we'd found out I was pregnant. That was the start of it. The guy I cheated with offered me the attention I was lacking at home. Although the affair only lasted for about a week, I felt no remorse which opened me up for the trouble I found myself in after I had our baby!
    When our child wasn't even two months old I discovered that he too had stepped out on me. It made me furious! After all he hadn't touched me in so long, and I felt like revenge was the only way to get him back. Over the course of a year and a half I cheated many times with numerous partners... I found that I liked the secrecy and the mystery of it all, I did not feel desired and loved at home, and (although this is not an excuse for my actions) I felt justified in doing so! The only part I wasn't expecting was how horrible it made me feel inside! When he found out about my affairs instead of feeling satisfaction, I felt horrible. I had become the one thing I'd never wanted to be! The amazing part was that he still wanted to make an effort at recovering what we had lost. I was not interested and soon moved out! I could not forgive him for his betrayal and even worse, I could NOT forgive MYSELF!
    I realized that I was very unhappy with who I'd become and set out to find myself again... It was a very long, hard, uphill battle that lasted for 5 years. The father of my child and I have stayed really close over the years and recently tried to reunite our family, unfortunately we were unable to over-come our differences and we split again. I am happy to report that through all of this though, him and I maintain a healthy relationship for our child.
    In your case, you didn't say if you WANTED to stop the relationship with the other man, or if you wanted to try to reconcile or work things out with your husband? This is what you need to figure out FIRST AND FOREMOST! If you decide you want to work it out with your husband you need to END the other relationship and then TALK to your husband. Try to figure out WHY you had the affair to begin with. Let him know what you were thinking and feeling when it began... You will probably need to seek counseling to help you sort through some of the feelings that you have!
    There is one other thing I would like to comment on and that was that you felt "empty" without the other man. If you are feeling empty inside then that is within you, and No one can fill that space. They may mask it for awhile but you will not get rid of it. I would say that between your husband, family, career and your affair you have filled up all of your time so that you do not have to confront that emptiness. The sooner you deal with it, the better your life will be, and you will stop "hurting" yourself and those you love!
    Remember that if YOU can't be happy with you, how do you expect anyone else to be? These were wise words once said to me and now I'm passing them onto you! They were what I strived for a live by now.
    I am finally in a place where I am happy with who I am, other people see that and my relationships have become better because of it!
    If you decide to end the relationship with the other man and try to work things out with your husband, remember to ask his forgiveness and not just say you're sorry! You need to be prepared that he may not want to work things out after he hears about the other man, but you will not know unless you tell him. And I GUARANTEE that you will not stop hurting yourself and others until you do tell him and try to heal whatever went wrong inside!
    Just know that YOU will be okay no matter what if you try to change who you've become and get to a place where you like yourself!
    The best of luck to you, it will work out, just maybe not the way you want it to! Take care.
    clukkes's Avatar
    clukkes Posts: 43, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member

    Oct 25, 2005, 05:12 PM
    I myself had an affair on my husband. We have been married for almost 3 years and have a 2 yr old. He found out this August. I don't resent it. We both see different views on things especially when it comes to the daughter. I raised her from day 1. We both are in the Coast Guard. He works 2 days 2 days off and I am from 8-4pm Monday through Friday.

    The reason I found myself doing this is because I needed an excitement and some comfort. My hubby wouldn't let me do anything. He was the one who went to concerts and to the bars and I had to stay home with the baby. Don't get me wrong I love her to death but I need some time to clear my head. This situation is hard for us as we both are from totally different part of the world. It got to the point where I would say some workers after work are going out for some drinks by the time I aboslutly had to get home I couldn't drive. I had all this anger built up and drinking was my way out. I'm not proud of this as to why I don't drink anymore. But the shelter I couldn't handle. He acted more like my dad than anything else. I didn't need that. I have a dad and he taught me will.

    I would always complain on everyhting he did to my friends which they just listened. And one of them was having marriage problems to so we found ourselves comforting each other. Which we both it was wrong but we couldn't help it.

    Well through all this I learned that he can not control me and I will not tolerate it. I am a stubborn red head. And we are seeking marriage counseling and this is pushing me further away. Since we are both in the military I am getting some trouble for this. He took this to his command and so from there we had to go through this big investigation. So now he put us in a bigger delimma w/ all this. I know this is confusing but I figured I'd offer some information on...

    I hope my best to you and things work out for a reason..
    natasha8210's Avatar
    natasha8210 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Aug 1, 2009, 11:51 PM
    I believe the only way to solve the problem is to go to your email and read your latest update.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,825, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member

    Aug 2, 2009, 06:10 AM

    You are confused
    Have two lovers -one your husband
    You enjoy hurting them for whatever reasons
    Yes you need to go to therapy
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert

    Aug 2, 2009, 09:03 PM
    It's too bad that we can't take the qualities we like from one, and then add the qualities of another, and have the perfect mate. That being said, it is unlikely that your husband is of such poor character that you have a good reason to give up on your marriage with him, without some serious considerations.

    The flip side of that of course, is that you still have needs not being fulfilled, and the second man provides that. Both men each provide something to you, that is lacking in each one individually.

    I think that the hurting them, may be about having them hurt you. If you can destroy what you have with each of them by hurting them, then they make a very difficult decision for you, and end the relationship(s) so you don't have to do this yourself. I think the 'enjoyment' could also be the release of all that anger, fear, and guilt. You just feel better getting it out. Sort of like taking a sledgehammer to a cell phone.

    That you feel guilty, leads me to believe that you are ready to make a change, and a decision to the direction you are taking in your life. No doubt balancing the two has its challenges, not to mention that carrying the guilt around is eating you up.

    The most important part of getting yourself into counselling isn't about figuring out which man you want to be with. It is about you being able to be strong enough to admit that you want to be independent and in control of your needs, thoughts and actions. Taking control, and having the confidence to do that, will allow you the time and space (with the counsellor) to figure out why your needs are not being met in your marriage, and whether you can go on being married. It will also allow you in the same manner to see your boyfriend in the same light.

    If you and your husband can work through this and re-establish a foundation of trust and understanding and forgiveness, and you learn the tools necessary to give it 100%, that may be what you need.

    I would, if it were me, concentrate on the marriage first. End and distance yourself from your boyfriend, because your husband should come first.

    Should your marriage not work out, at least you will be in a position of strength to go on, on your own. Your husband will also have that freedom in his life as well, as will your boyfriend. If you end up alone, don't think of it as the end of the world, think of it as the beginning of a road to a healthier, happier relationship with someone new.

    But it has to all start with the truth. All the cards have to be out on the table, and fall where they may, you have to be prepared for the consequences. It might be a good idea to speak with a counsellor first to help you prepare for that, and to boost your confidence a bit that you are serious about changing your life.

    The truth may lead you back into working hard on saving your marriage, and that would be my first priority, but it's up to you to decide what course of action to take.
    dineshkumarb's Avatar
    dineshkumarb Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 2, 2012, 03:16 AM
    No need of therapist.. you are hurting dem becoz you want them to take more care of u.. u want them to think you as the most important person in their life.. and having 2 lovers is something weird I remember a sentence "if u love two guys u didnt love the first guy truly if u loved him truly u would hav never chosen the second.. "so just relax yourself
    kjfeathers's Avatar
    kjfeathers Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 2, 2012, 03:58 PM
    yes, you need help because a simple rule... end one relationship BEFORE you start another one and you will always have peace of mind. And, that happens to be a wonderful self-building core value.
    That's all!

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