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    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 6, 2017, 04:33 PM
    Is this abuse?
    I'm constantly second-guessing if this counts as abuse.

    My mom and dad often get mad at me for no apparent reason.
    They'll yell at me for lying when I didn't, but they won't apologize when I've been proven innocent.
    I'm essentially not allowed to be in a bad mood. If I'm in a bad mood and try not to talk to them as a result, they get mad at me. If I do talk to them and sound the least bit angry as a result, they get mad at me. I can't win.
    In the past, they've called me retarded and that it's a wonder I don't get/I might as well get (I can't remember which anymore) straight F's after I brought home A's and B's.
    They'll intentionally make me fell stupid, laugh at me, then become angry with me for being upset.
    Despite being closer to seventeen than fifteen, I don't have a drivers license. Half of the lessons ended in my dad furious and me crying. He'd say things in a way that I couldn't hear or understand, then yell them angrily if I asked him to repeat. If I didn't understand what he meant or get it right quickly enough, he'd yell at me. When my driving got worse because he was yelling at me, he'd get even angrier, then angrier still if/when I started crying.
    During my last lesson with him, I told him I was afraid of him and he became even angrier than he had been and asked why. When I said it was because he and my mom have anger problems, he denied it, then said that he and my mom feel like they can't even talk to me because I "get upset too easily".
    Every time I make any comment against their behavior, they make it out to be my fault and never take any blame. They never take responsibility for anything they do and blame other people.
    I feel like I can't be honest with them about anything. I'm not sure how badly they'd react if they knew my political beliefs.
    The frequency at which I have emotional breakdowns has just kept increasing. The first time I thought about killing myself, I was twelve, and while that's gone down due to acquiring friends, the thoughts still occur. I almost constantly feel bad about myself.
    They invalidate my feelings and make me feel like I'm crazy. I've begun second-guessing my own perceptions and wondering if they're right, and I really am just oversensitive.

    Is this abuse? If it is, is it grounds to have me removed from the house? I'm desperate to get out of here. I want to leave as soon as possible and never come back, but it'll be over a year before I'm eighteen. I don't think I can last that long.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,997, Reputation: 468
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    #2

    Feb 6, 2017, 05:51 PM
    Have you spoken with a school counselor or a trusted teacher? If you are suicidal, you need help. Are there any family members you can speak with? Go to school, explain your situation, and get some help. Please let us know that you've told someone, and that you are getting help. Suicide isn't the answer.
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Feb 6, 2017, 06:00 PM
    I won't go to the school counselor, but I'm considering going to my favorite teacher. I've confided in her before and she seems like the best option. Suicidal thoughts don't come much anymore, and with lower intensity. I've learned to manage them. But... I don't want to stay here.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,997, Reputation: 468
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    #4

    Feb 6, 2017, 07:06 PM
    Speak with your teacher. If she feels you need to speak to a counselor (psychologist), please listen to her. Also, let her know about what's going on at home. Teachers are mandatory reporters, and we are legally obligated to report abuse or suspected abuse. She can help you.
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Feb 6, 2017, 07:07 PM
    But does it even count as abuse?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,760, Reputation: 5426
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    #6

    Feb 6, 2017, 07:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Heart27 View Post
    But does it even count as abuse?
    Emotional and verbal abuse.
    teacherjenn4's Avatar
    teacherjenn4 Posts: 3,997, Reputation: 468
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    #7

    Feb 6, 2017, 08:35 PM
    If you were my student, I'd definitely consider your parents abusive. It's not physical abuse, but emotional and verbal as Wondergirl already stated.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Feb 7, 2017, 02:40 AM
    This is emotional and verbal abuse. If this is really going on (I say if because we only have your side of the story, and we're very often biased when telling only our side of things) then you need to tell someone and get out of this situation.

    I have to say this, because too many teens and kids have this romantic notion about foster care. Foster care sucks. It's the worst thing that can happen to a child. In many cases the home the child is placed in, is worse than the one he/she was removed from. There are just too many kids in the system, and not enough case workers to monitor all of the foster families.

    Not saying that all foster families are bad, there are good ones, but they're few and far between.

    You said you're almost 18. You've stuck it out this long, maybe it's worth it to stick it out a few more months, then leave. But keep in mind, even if you're removed from the home and placed in care, once you're 18 you're on your own, whereas at home, that's not always the case. So unless you know you can support yourself once you turn 18, it may not be worth it to go through all the hassle.

    Just playing devils advocate and looking at this situation realistically. But yes, from what you describe, it's not an ideal home situation from your point of view.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,880, Reputation: 10852
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    #9

    Feb 7, 2017, 08:08 AM
    I'm considering going to my favorite teacher. I've confided in her before and she seems like the best option.
    I agree wholeheartedly in this decision you have made and hope you keep us updated. Having followed this thread and your other one it's really hard to say if this is a case of teen angst caused by growing pains, or all on your parents that their treatment of you is as abusive as you say, though no doubt your feelings are real and that I believe.

    What's obvious though is some outside help is needed, and I hope your teacher can provide that and help you cope, and maybe even bridge the gap between you and your parents. Often I have found that teens are so self consumed they fail to see or understand what their parents are going through, or coping with themselves, which may be a bigger factor in their behavior than their children can imagine.

    So yes talk to your teacher and I hope it helps you.
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Feb 7, 2017, 02:49 PM
    Having followed this thread and your other one it's really hard to say if this is a case of teen angst caused by growing pains, or all on your parents that their treatment of you is as abusive as you say, though no doubt your feelings are real and that I believe.
    In regards to my other thread, yeah, that was a bad idea. Deciding to go was an impulsive decision that I didn't think through. The risk is way too high. I'm not going to go, although a couple of my friends, who have parental consent and openness with their parents, respectively, are still going.

    As for this thread... I wish I could defend my position, but I can't. I don't know. I don't know how to trust myself and my own perceptions of what goes on in this house. I don't know if this is normal and they're right that I just get upset too easily. I don't know how to talk about it without feeling like I'm sounding like every other teenager, overreacting to something minor. I hold all of the guilt and blame without knowing if it's supposed to be mine. I don't know if I'm just ungrateful. They make me feel like I am. None of my feelings are ever justified to them. I stopped expressing them as much as possible years ago. It's just easier to let them assume my silence is agreement and being all right.

    It's not like it's a constant thing, which increases the doubt. When they're being really nice and thoughtful is when I can't possibly imagine anything I've felt has ever been their fault. But then I'm having an emotional breakdown, or they're mad at me for no reason, or I'm keeping my mouth shut as they spew hatred for groups of people that I unbeknownst to them belong to. And then I remember why I have to keep reminding myself that I can't trust them to be there for me.
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 7, 2017, 03:15 PM
    I have to say this, because too many teens and kids have this romantic notion about foster care. Foster care sucks. It's the worst thing that can happen to a child. In many cases the home the child is placed in, is worse than the one he/she was removed from.
    I know. I would rather be here than foster case as much as I hate it. I added the point about being removed from the house because there's a chance a friend's family would take me in. I'm not getting my heart set on it or my hopes up. I know better than that. Essentially my aim with that was to know if I moved out of here and in with them, would what's happened be grounds for emancipation.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #12

    Feb 7, 2017, 03:23 PM
    Sadly no. To become emancipated means living on your own, and showing that you can support yourself. It would require you to get a job, get funding for your own place, show that you can handle all of that and still go to school, can fund your own health care, dental care, and everything else that your parents currently take care of.

    As for moving in with your friends family, that's also unlikely. Much more likely that if you're removed, other family members will be asked if they can take you in. Grandparents, Aunt, Uncle, older sibling.
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:05 PM
    So essentially I always lose. Despite my cynicism I always managed to be disappointed anyway.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,760, Reputation: 5426
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    #14

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Heart27 View Post
    So essentially I always lose. Despite my cynicism I always managed to be disappointed anyway.
    How would your parents handle your moving in with your friend? Can you give it a positive spin somehow so your parents see an advantage for themselves? Could you visit your parents on a regular basis?
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:26 PM
    How would your parents handle your moving in with your friend? Can you give it a positive spin somehow so your parents see an advantage for themselves? Could you visit your parents on a regular basis?
    I'm not sure, honestly. It's hard to tell how they'll react to things. On one hand, they care very little about what I do. On the other, they'd likely view my wanting to move out as an insult to them and be extremely bitter. My best guess is that they'd be against it. Months ago a (different) friend's parent agreed to teach me to drive, but my dad was against it and called me asking them a new level of disrespect despite how horribly it was going with him. I can't imagine either of them would take kindly to something so much more drastic. The only positive spin I can think of us is that I'd be out of their hair. They wouldn't have to fight with me, and they'd have an extra room to do with what they wished. Plus they'd save money on food. I'd prefer not to visit but would be completely willing to if I could move out as a result. It'd be easy; my friend is only about ten minutes away from my house.

    Still, I don't know what the chances are that they'd let me move in anyway. They've told my friend upon her asking that I can stay a few days if I ever need to escape for awhile. She and the siblings she asked both think there's a reasonable to good chance they'd let me move in if they knew what I deal with at home. But again, I'm not getting my hopes too high. I don't want to be crushed. After all, I'm a sixteen-year-old and these are people with four kids already, and I've only been over twice, even if it's actually amazing how well I fit into their family. I know it's not likely. Maybe I'll ask them after they know me better. Maybe I won't.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,760, Reputation: 5426
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    #16

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:34 PM
    Okay. You know how your parents think and react. Is there something you can do to outthink them and prevent future skirmishes and upsets? Can you volunteer to do certain chores or bake on weekends or help more with meal preparation? (Brainstorming here....) What about spending part of each week at your friend's house?
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:36 PM
    I don't know. I pretty much try to stay away from them. That's my preventing skirmishes. If I'm not around them, they can't get mad at me. They're so easy to set off. Plus sometimes they're just foul without reason. Taking out their anger on me. They don't even seem to like each other all that much.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,760, Reputation: 5426
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    #18

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:48 PM
    What about spending part of each week at your friend's house?
    Heart27's Avatar
    Heart27 Posts: 25, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:51 PM
    I'm not sure. Maybe. It'd feel better to entirely cut ties (aside from potentially visiting to keep my parents appeased), but maybe.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,760, Reputation: 5426
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    #20

    Feb 7, 2017, 04:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Heart27 View Post
    I'm not sure. Maybe. It'd feel better to entirely cut ties (aside from potentially visiting to keep my parents appeased), but maybe.
    "Mom and Dad, I want to give you two some space away from me. It'll help me become a better person. Cindy 's family is willing to let me live there on [X days]. How does that sound? Could we give it a try?"

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