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amberandfrank · Jun 23, 2008, 10:57 AM

My husband and I recently took in our 9 yr old nephew. He was not living in the greatest household, and we decided he needed a change. He grew up in a very low income household and was rarlely punished. He has been put into in school suspension a couple of times and nothing was ever done. He came to live with us just 3 weeks ago and we are trying to get him settled in. His english is not the best however he does understand and speak it very well. The school district he was in was definitely below par and we are trying to get him up to his level for the school year. Well last week I came down stairs to find that he has spilled milk on my suede couch when he isn't supposed to be eating on the couch anyway and he had covered it up with a blanket. When I asked him why he did it he just said he didn't know, that he was just being lazy and didn't want to clean it up, later that day at vacational bible school he punched another kid below the belt. So my husband and I decided to punish him. We took away video games, and going to the park with his friends and staying the night with one of his friends he has acquired here. Well that seemed to be going OK. Then on sat we went to a softball game, there was a jumpy castle and he was told specifically not to play rough or wrestle because of the smaller kids. Well I found him wrestling so I made him sit down and not play with the other children and when I was speaking to me he woud not look at me was completely ignoring me and just stared at the ground while breathing heavily. That evening we went to a friends house for dinner, at her house he started picking on the other child who is considerably younger then he is. When told to apologize he refused and started to ignore my husband any myself. I am running out of ideas I understand he is at the age where he is going to defy athourity and all and he is going to mess up but groundation does not seem to be working what should we do

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE · Jun 23, 2008, 11:04 AM

If it's okay with me asking, why did you take him in to begin with?
Are his parents incapable of disciplining?

amberandfrank · Jun 23, 2008, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

If it's okay with me asking, why did you take him in to begin with?
Are his parents incapable of disciplining?

His parent are incapable of parenting. His father died, and his mother is not suitable to be a parent

Fr_Chuck · Jun 23, 2008, 11:19 AM

Not going to get anywhere in just 3 weeks, start him in counseling if possible. But stay consisitant, and have closer supervision.

Wondergirl · Jun 23, 2008, 11:21 AM

He's old enough to be part of a family meeting. Discuss the situation -- why he's living with you, how you feel about that, how he feels about that. It sounds like he still feels like he isn't being treated as if he's worth anything. Even if that's not true, it might be how he feels. Ask him how he should be disciplined when he does something wrong. Get him to talk and to express his emotions, both positive and negative. Find a family counselor or a minister who does family counseling to be the unbiased person who will guide your new family into positive and productive ways of relating to each other.

P.S. When you talk with him, don't preach or hog the discussion. Be an active listener and ask him leading questions. Really listen to him! He's old enough to be able to express himself and have opinions about things. Reiterate then with "I hear you saying that...." as a check that you hear him and are understanding what he says. During the day, compliment him with specific compliments, "I really liked the way you helped Suzy get back up and find bandaids when she skinned her knee." Talk with him about behaviors you two see at the mall or the store -- the crying baby, the naughty two-year-old, the person in a wheelchair, holding doors for people, and how should one act in reaction. Go to the library and search for books that you and he can read together. Have him help you get food ready for meals, make lists for grocery shopping, help bake cookies, even if they are only the Pillsbury slice-type cookies from the grocery refrig section. I'm betting he missed out on all that personal attention and helping mom and cuddling when he was younger.

P.P.S. And of course your husband will make efforts to bond with him and show him how a real man operates and how he treats people. Take him to Home Depot/Sam's Club/Target and look for specific needs for the home and family. Do yard work together. Assign him indoor and outdoor chores. And praise him for specifics when he does good work!

Sonador101 · Jun 23, 2008, 12:08 PM

One reason he probably isn't listening to you is because in his mind (and in reality) you are not his mother. He doesn't understand why he has to listen to you, also it sounds like he's going through a lot of emotion stress. Everything is new and school isn't so good, I mean that stresses out a nine year old boy.
I think you need to talk to him, not because he did something wrong youi need to talk to him, about what is feeling. He needs to get rid of all the stress is most likely bundeling up inside of him. Ask him questions, and try to make him feel comfortable.
As for the punishment you are doinga good job I think, though might I suggest making him do extra chores that a really works.
Hope this helps

progunr · Jun 23, 2008, 12:17 PM

He's gone for 9 years without any discipline, he's not going to change his ways in 3 weeks.

You have accepted a very difficult responsibility here, one that perhaps you should have put more thought into prior to taking him in.

You can't expect to "fix" this boy in a short amount of time, he's not going to turn into someone else, just because you have put him in a better environment, he is still the hard to control boy he has always been.

For you to have any success in this noble effort, I believe that some type of family counseling will be needed. That, along with a plethora of patience.

amberandfrank · Jun 23, 2008, 12:23 PM

He has an appointment with a social worker for later this week and we understand that it is going to take time. Were just trying to find the best way to handle the situation. And trust me there was plenty of thought put into the decision but what it comes down to is what is best for the child. We do praise him on things he does well and for the most part he is a really good and sweet caring child. We had a family meeting and he just ignores it we have tried to bring him into the conversation about what is going on and he just gets upset with us. He has chores which he was diong very well then as soon as he started to get into trouble he started slacking on his chores.

Wondergirl · Jun 23, 2008, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by amberandfrank

he has an appointment with a social worker for later this week and we understand that it is going to take time. were just trying to find the best way to handle the situation. and trust me there was plenty of thought put into the decision but what it comes down to is what is best for the child. we do praise him on things he does well and for the most part he is a really good and sweet caring child. we had a family meeting and he just ignores it we have tried to bring him into the conversation about what is going on and he just gets upset with us. he has chores which he was diong very well then as soon as he started to get into trouble he started slacking on his chores.

What about posting a chore chart with mini-rewards for each day's chores done well and a larger reward for a week's worth of chores done well? I basically hate rewarding someone with prizes for something he is supposed to do, but this is a special case plus his age is perfect for rewards. List the chores and have the prizes written down nearby (he will be glad to help make this list!) -- "make bed" might equal an ice cream treat after lunch and a week's worth of well-done chores could equal x-number of comic books or a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon book or a new t-shirt with his choice of picture on it.

Sonador101 · Jun 23, 2008, 12:34 PM

Maybe he is not ignoring you when you have family disscussion, I mean why would he get upset if he wasn't listening. Maybe he is listening but he is still upset. I think taking him to a social worker is a good idea, just be paitent he will addapt in time.

JBeaucaire · Jun 23, 2008, 01:08 PM

HOw about "cookie time" with him and you every afternoon? Every day you two sit down for milk and cookies and talk. You each get a cookie and then tell something you weren't happy about that day and why. Then you each get a cookie and then tell something you LIKED about the day.

This is about teaching communication of ideas in a calm way, and getting rewarded for it.

Regardless of anything else that has gone on, get a ritual like this going on and honor it. Let him go with you to the store to pick out the cookies you'll be eating this week.

Even if he's grounded about other things, cookie time is still sacred. It could even be incorporated into desert time after dinner.

This is going to take time. He hasn't lived in a house with rules. He wants it, but hasn't realized how HARD that actually is. Give it 6 months.

During this time he needs to see one very important thing - no matter what he's done wrong and is even being punished for, Amber and Frank aren't mad at HIM, they're punishing what he did. Amber and Frank still love little Johnny, and that will take some getting used to.

"I'm grounding you for spilling milk and not telling me so I could clean it for you. I'm not grounding you for spilling milk. Everyone spills milk. So, no video games for 2 days. Now tell me what I'm grounding you for...? Good, and I'm not grounding you for....? Good...and your punishment is...? Right! That means you can play them again on....? Right! Very good. Now give me a hug!"

At 9 he can handle that whole situation and it engages him in the process, forces him to acknowledge he DOES understand, and requires him to respond to you and lets him see you're still fine with him, hugs and all.

"Don't forget to put your clothes away before cookie time!"