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chairtbe · Jan 5, 2006, 08:56 AM

My husband of eleven years told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. We have been separated a little over a year now. He has a girlfriend which he says is not serious. I have filed for divorce but for some reason he does not want to divorce me. He says, "he cares because he calls to see how I am doing", but he is not willing to give up the girlfriend. Now he comes to me and says, "I'll stop seeing my girlfriend if you stop the divorce". Is this the start of working things out, when it sounds more like. Lets Make a Deal? Is he up to something or is he being sincere and wanting to work things out? Stop the divorce or proceed with the divorce?

fredg · Jan 5, 2006, 09:05 AM

Hi, chairtbe,
I am 63 yrs old, divorced after 7 yrs from my first marriage. My second marriage to a wonderful woman is going on 29 yrs now!
Personally, I would ask your husband to go to a Professional Marriage Counselor with you. Talking about these issues with professional might help you decide what to do.
Another consideration is; after being separated for over a year, do you still love him? And, do you think he still loves you?
It's going to be a difficult decision for you, and only one you can make. But, before accepting him back, please, the both of you together, talk with a Marriage Counselor, to see if you can get anything out of it that will help you make a decision.
People do change when it comes right down to the "nitty gritty". You have now reached that point. I do wish you the best of luck, and hope everything turns out OK.

nymphetamine · Jan 5, 2006, 09:45 AM

Fred has some very good suggestions. Perhaps he called to see how you are doing because he feels guilty about not loving you anymore and he's mistaking this for love feelings? Yet he wasn't willing to give up the girlfriend. Um I thought him and the girlfriend weren't a serious thing. Its not like they were married so it was impossible for him to leave her. He loves you but refuses to leave his girlfriend? RED FLAG RED FLAG!! How soon after he refused to leave the girlfriend did he change his mind? He should have already dumped her and then come to you instead of the lets make a deal thing. I just don't know about this guy. Would he break up with her simply by you saying that you will stop the divorce or will he want to wait to see papers? Did he leave you to be with this girlfriend? My soon to be ex husband tried to tell me all that stuff but he was just afraid of losing control over me and he never has left his mistress and they plan to get married. So just becarefull. Please keep us informed.

Chery · Jan 5, 2006, 09:52 AM

Fred's post has very good points - do you still love him and maybe counseling will help?
And crankiebabie posted while I was still typing... but

My question is, since it does sound like 'let's make a deal' is: does your husband have more to lose financially than you if you do get the divorce and another woman is involved. He might still care for you, but why did he not go to counseling with you in the beginning instead of moving out and checking out other 'pastures'? You know him better than we do and probably have thought of his 'ulterior motives' for giving up that other woman - but maybe he's tired of her too.. therefore would not be giving up much, would he? As fred suggested, get him to see a counselor with you and see if his motives are sincere, but don't give anything up on your part yet. It took me seven years to finally get my divorce because he loved me one day, and hated me the next, depending on HIS emotional make-up. I'm sure you have a lot to talk about and also think about since this probably did not happen overnight, so try to save the relationship if it still means anything to YOU, but keep the entire 'picture' of his motives in mind. I hope things work out the way you want them to and wish you lots of luck. Keep us posted - we are here 24/7.

Listen between the words, and read between the lines. Good Luck.

CaptainForest · Jan 5, 2006, 02:30 PM

It wouldn't let me rate crankiebabie's post. It gave me the "You must spread some Reputation around" blurb.

I agree with her. This is a red flag.

He probably realizes that it will cost him MORE to divorce you than it would to stay married to you.

He refused to leave his girlfriend who meant nothing to him?

I agree with crankiebabie.

Leave him/Divorce Him

s_cianci · Jan 5, 2006, 08:20 PM

For now, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Put the divorce proceedings on hold provided he really does give up the girlfriend and move back in with you and be a husband again. You must be his #1 and settle for nothing less. If he strays again, then complete the divorce proceedings.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 5, 2006, 08:38 PM

Only you know your own heart, but most likely he does not want to give up any property or money in the divorce.

If he really "loves" you, he can still date you and see what happens after the divorce also.

But if you want to try and make it work, make him go with you to counseling, without it, most likely it would not work, and even then it will be hard to make it work.