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    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Jan 6, 2008, 11:37 AM
    My Wife Wants Divorce.
    We have been married for 15 years with two kids (12 & 9). I have a good job and she has her own business. We both make good money (she makes more). There have been lot of ups and downs in our relationship but we always made up and forgave. Not this time. She said she has no feeling for me anymore and divorce is best for everyone. I want to work things out. I have suggested marriage counseling but she said no.
    Here is the series of events that lead to her decisions:
    1. My parents lived with us. My wife and my mom fought once last year and made up
    2. Her Niece (22yrs old) moved in the house two months ago. My parents moved out without saying any reasons.
    3. Her father came for a visit and we were out (she stayed home) to see a movie. When We came home she was pissed off because the house is a mess.
    4. Next morning her father told me I should clean the house since she works six days a week.
    5. I got mad because there are two women in the house and I am expected to all the house work. I made everyone (include me) to clean the house on Sunday.
    I work too, I take care of the kids, help them with homework...
    6. I had a talk with her Father and I told her father if it were not for the Kids I would have walked out of this house long time ago. He then told her and she got pissed off and wanted divorce.
    I have apologized and done lots of things to make up but nothing works. She said she needed some time to think about divorce or not.
    What do you think I should do? I do not want divorce.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #2

    Jan 6, 2008, 11:56 AM
    I told her father if it were not for the Kids I would have walked out of this house long time ago.
    Obviously there are many issues brewing in this marriage besides the specifics you've listed in your post.
    I do not want divorce.
    Is that only because of the kids? Not to say that that's not a legitimate reason to stay together but if that's your only reason then you and your wife have some serious problems. Why does she refuse marriage counseling? To me that shows an unwilling spirit on her part. In this case you may have to be prepared to let her go. But make her life a living hell by fighting her for everything in court ; the house, the kids, alimony, child support, even the dog. Get yourself a good, experienced divorce lawyer now.
    karent23's Avatar
    karent23 Posts: 133, Reputation: 8
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    #3

    Jan 6, 2008, 12:05 PM
    I wouldn't say make her life a living hell in court. If you do that your children will be the ones who suffer.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #4

    Jan 6, 2008, 12:20 PM
    If she insists on a divorce, the children will suffer no matter what so that's a moot point.
    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Jan 6, 2008, 12:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by s_cianci
    Obviously there are many issues brewing in this marriage besides the specifics you've listed in your post.Is that only because of the kids? Not to say that that's not a legitimate reason to stay together but if that's your only reason then you and your wife have some serious problems. Why does she refuse marriage counseling? To me that shows an unwilling spirit on her part. In this case you may have to be prepared to let her go. But make her life a living hell by fighting her for everything in court ; the house, the kids, alimony, child support, even the dog. Get yourself a good, experienced divorce lawyer now.
    You are correct. We have lots of problems but none of the problems is worth for divorce.
    She never acted this way before (like I am her enemy).
    I don't not want divorce not because of her money, but because of the kids and I still have feeling for her.
    She refuses marriage counseling because I refused in the past and because she said she does not have a problem.
    We do not have any dog. We do have two rental properties.
    Thanks,
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #6

    Jan 7, 2008, 08:39 AM
    You have a significant relationship with your children; therefore, I would not be the one to leave. If she decided to leave, then work out the budget to where all the bills get paid and let her go. Wait about 60 - 90 days and reassess what the relationship means to both of you and where you want it to go. It is no fun being miserable.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #7

    Jan 7, 2008, 11:17 AM
    It is difficult to maintain focus on a marriage when there are children. You have added extended family to the mix. The two of you need some time together to talk. If she insists on separation, make her move.
    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
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    #8

    Jan 7, 2008, 01:49 PM
    Thank you for your reply. We both love our children very much and none of us will leave without them. This could get ugly if we end up divorcing.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #9

    Jan 7, 2008, 02:38 PM
    It doesn't have to get ugly, so please do whatever you can to adjust that. I guess it gets ugly when someone is totally selfish.
    reyes lujan's Avatar
    reyes lujan Posts: 20, Reputation: 3
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    #10

    Jan 11, 2008, 01:45 AM
    It looks like you opened up your house to relatives and they took over your household. It's good to help family out but they need to respect your space. Give your wife some positive output and she won't be thinking of walking out.
    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Jan 11, 2008, 08:21 AM
    I finally realize that having extended family in the house is poisonous for our relationship. But there is nothing I can do now. I made the decision and have to live with it.

    I have apologized for what I said. She will have to figure out what she wants. I will not beg her for any thing.

    I do not understand what you mean by giving my wife some positive output. Some examples will help. Thanks.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,323, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Jan 12, 2008, 09:55 AM
    Obviously you need to figure what she is mad about, and what is behind her dissatisfaction, as you cannot work together without talking. You are right about one thing, the relatives have to go. I can imagine the stress level. Apologies do nothing, if nothing has changed. Maybe you need a separation, and not a divorce.
    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
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    #13

    Jan 12, 2008, 11:30 AM
    She told me that she has planned this for several months now. Her problem is that she believes the outsiders (friend, relatives, her family... ). These people are like poisonous snakes. I hope some day she will realize that.

    I think our relationship is over and I am prepared to take the next step.

    Could you explain how separation works?

    How can I tell the Kids? They will need counseling. Will school provide that?

    Thanks,
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,323, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    Jan 12, 2008, 11:42 AM
    In that case give her what she wants and make sure you keep the relationship with your kids.
    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
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    #15

    Jan 12, 2008, 12:06 PM
    I can easily walk away because everything is on her name including rental properties.

    I am not so sure that I want to walk away. I imagine a new guy moves in and enjoys what I have worked so hard for 15 years. I don't think I can take that. Maybe I am too selfish.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,323, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Jan 12, 2008, 03:48 PM
    No just confused, go fishing for a few days, let the dust settle and gather your thoughts. Your wife seems to have a lot of power, and her family a lot of influence over her.
    Alexanderrh's Avatar
    Alexanderrh Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Jan 12, 2008, 06:45 PM
    You made a list of issues that may have caused a problem.
    Now sit down the two of you and make a list of your good points and bad points of yourselves and your marriage...
    When was the last time you laughed and cuddled together why not??
    Where are the points the two of you are sticking on. These are the things you would be talking about with someone else if you went for counselling. Think long and hard before you start accussing someone of not doing something that should be done or doing somethng that someone does not like. Do you do something that is at fault.
    What can you do yourself to repair what has been done. Sometimes a little gesture that can start the ball rolling for to say your are working on it.
    Do you make time for the two of you for yourselves if you both work. Or is it work, housework family and extra family.
    When was the last time you had the house to the two of you were you can spend time doing things just yourselves. What is it that you are missing in this area.
    Look and double check.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #18

    Jan 12, 2008, 07:23 PM
    I agree with George. She claims she works so hard that you are the one that has to take care of all the household chores. How does she figure she will be able to all of a sudden deal with the house when she couldn't before?

    Also explain to her how people say things they don't mean when they are upset.
    If she is so set on claiming she doesn't love you anymore then she too must have been harboring negative feelings for you and using your words against you to her convenience.
    peoplechange100606's Avatar
    peoplechange100606 Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Jan 12, 2008, 11:24 PM
    Honestly, from what I have read it all looks likea case of mismanaged stress form both of you. I would really sit down, maybe take a little weekend vacation with your wife. Set out the things that are done cosistantly, house chores etc. Act just like parents dividing up chores... make sure each persona has a responsibility and they know it. Put everything in black and white. Make sure she gets time for herself, spa days, weekends away, time to just get out and go shopping and drink some damn Starbucks. The same for you. You guys sound like a good couple who are just stressed by life in general. Your marriage isn't the issue. Life is the issue. Learn how to relax, start excercising regularly, break your routine a little. I know how stressful owning a business can be and it sucks that we let it spill over into home life, but just be honest with her, tell her to rest a little and start coping with the stress in a healthy way. DON'T PISS AWAY A MARRIAGE OVER THIS!
    hajt70's Avatar
    hajt70 Posts: 55, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #20

    Jan 13, 2008, 08:55 AM
    Thank you all for everything. Even though my situation is not getting any better, I feel much better today because of your advice, suggestion, encouragement...

    I have accepted that our marriage is over. I will wait for her to make a move. In the meantime, I will see the lawyer for some legal advice. What do you think?

    It is too bad it has to end this way but I will be O.K. Not so sure about the kids.

    Anymore help is greatly appreciated!

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