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    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 15, 2014, 03:03 PM
    My wife had an affair before our marriage..
    I really want a good solution to my problem..
    Please help guys

    My wife had a 3 year long relationship with a guy before I met her and we got married which I found out after our marriage.she accepted she was physical with him and wanted to marry him also but the guy ditched and didn't marry her at last.. now the problem is that we are married for two years now and we also have a daughter..
    The problem started as one day we were together in our room and intimate with each other and she took the name of the guy she was with before our marriage and that too after one year of our marriage..
    After that she told me about him but she keeps on crying and says that she is guilty of what she did and it was a mistake and don't want to talk about it..
    I can't focus my mind anywhere.. can anyone suggest what should I do as I love my child also and don't want to loose her after our divorce or separation.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Mar 15, 2014, 03:30 PM
    Why would you consider a divorce or separation because YOU cannot handle the truth? Most couples I know including myself, find out many things that were not initially known before marriage or for years after.

    I highly suggest you deal with her hurt, guilt, or shame in a compassionate manner as you grapple with your own feeling about this. Her fear of your reaction and her guilt of what happened deserve understanding, not punishment or selfish self pity. Only a fool would tear up his family rather than work to make it better.

    Only a fool expects every detail to be revealed at his time instead of the right time. Personally I fail to see why this is a big deal after 3 years of bonding, or how her past cannot be accepted. Shock and disappointment can be overcome, as her past actions were maybe a mistake she has already paid an emotional price for, and further punishment by you is both impulsive and unfair.

    What did she claim to be a virgin or something?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,871, Reputation: 5429
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    #3

    Mar 15, 2014, 03:31 PM
    Was she having an affair with him during your marriage, or is this guy part of her relationship history before you came along?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Mar 15, 2014, 03:41 PM
    So your wife dated someone before she met and married you. That's normal. Is it that she was intimate with this man that you can't handle, if she was indeed intimate with him? Is this part of your religious beliefs? I ask that because it's obvious that English isn't your first language, and many countries still have the belief that a woman cannot even date a man, much less have sex with a man, before marriage.

    I can only answer your question based on my beliefs, my ideals. The past is just that, the past. She's with you, she married you, she had a child with you. If you love her at all, you'll work this out and put the past behind you. Don't let your ego or your religious beliefs ruin your marriage over something this trivial.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #5

    Mar 15, 2014, 04:12 PM
    Did she call out this guy's name while you were being intimate? That's what isn't clear from your post. If she did, I can understand you being upset. Otherwise, this is something that happened before you were together and shouldn't have any impact on your feelings for her.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #6

    Mar 15, 2014, 04:22 PM
    I'm with everyone else... why do you think what she did or didn't do before you met is any of your business.

    She wasn't a hooker, she wasn't a serial murderer, she wasn't a child molestor, she had a boyfriend? Stop the presses... someone actually had something to do with more than one other person in their natural life.

    You just simply accept... she had a life before she knew you. You did... didn't you? Do you have to attone to her for it? Nope..neither should she. Its called being mature and an adult. The past is the past....let it go.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #7

    Mar 15, 2014, 05:27 PM
    An 'affair' to most of the world is an intimate relationship one has with someone while married to someone else. So please clear this up first.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #8

    Mar 15, 2014, 05:37 PM
    I took affair as a relationship before she met him, but some cultures frown on intimate relationships before marriage. Virginity is prized and expected.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #9

    Mar 15, 2014, 08:34 PM
    This was before you were married, even in cultures where it is not allowed, they still do it. Here in China, they are having sex, they sell "virgin kits" to fool husband on wedding nights or to show family for those still doing that.

    She was honest, and you should not care what she did before you married her.
    ** seldom is the man "pure" at the wedding, but think the wife has to be for some reason.

    You do nothing, but forgive her, and understand it does not effect you at all.

    As for as crying out his name ( I think that is what you said) most people think about someone else at times when they are having sex.

    You do not divorce, you do not separate, you tell your wife, you love her and it does not matter what happened before.

    You are making a way too big of deal out of this.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #10

    Mar 16, 2014, 08:41 AM
    Are you kidding me? You must be a drama queen.

    Your marriage is a sham because she has a history. Wake up, you do as well. You need to stop what you are doing and confess to her your history. Confess each time you told a lie to your parents. Confess the time or times you were driving over the speed limit. Confess the times you talked behind behind someone's back.

    I guess according to you, your wife should have told every man she met "I can't sleep with you because I may meet someone one day that will hold it against me and ruin our marriage."

    Life and relationships are difficult enough without you adding stupid drama to it.
    aliseaodo's Avatar
    aliseaodo Posts: 1,669, Reputation: 259
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    #11

    Mar 17, 2014, 09:39 AM
    The problem started as one day we were together in our room and intimate with each other and she took the name of the guy she was with before our marriage and that too after one year of our marriage..
    Are you saying that she was with him again, after you were married?
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #12

    Mar 17, 2014, 10:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by aliseaodo View Post
    Are you saying that she was with him again, after you were married?
    What I took that to mean was she called him by that guy's name while they were being intimate.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #13

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    What I took that to mean was she called him by that guy's name while they were being intimate.
    Me as well.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #14

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:04 AM
    I third that. Never saw any idication she was unfaithful to him after he met her in this thread.
    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    Did she call out this guy's name while you were being intimate? That's what isn't clear from your post. If she did, I can understand you being upset. Otherwise, this is something that happened before you were together and shouldn't have any impact on your feelings for her.
    Ya she took his name after about 1 years of being married with me.so the thing which I can't get below my throat is that she still has feelings for him or loves him
    And remembers him as there relationship never broke off till she met me, as ours was a arranged marriage.
    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:14 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Why would you consider a divorce or separation because YOU cannot handle the truth? Most couples I know including myself, find out many things that were not initially known before marriage or for years after.

    I highly suggest you deal with her hurt, guilt, or shame in a compassionate manner as you grapple with your own feeling about this. Her fear of your reaction and her guilt of what happened deserve understanding, not punishment or selfish self pity. Only a fool would tear up his family rather than work to make it better.

    Only a fool expects every detail to be revealed at his time instead of the right time. Personally I fail to see why this is a big deal after 3 years of bonding, or how her past cannot be accepted. Shock and disappointment can be overcome, as her past actions were maybe a mistake she has already paid an emotional price for, and further punishment by you is both impulsive and unfair.

    What did she claim to be a virgin or something?
    Well see as ours was a arranged marriage and she did claimed to be a virgin,which actually didn't turned out ,as she wasn't one.and the big problem is not her past but she taking his name while making love to me anf that to after a year of being married to me.what to do of that
    Actually they never broke up till the date hwr marriage was fixed with me .so maybe she still loves or feels for him
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #17

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:14 AM
    Get over it... there has to be some girl or woman in your past you remember... You can't erase memories... you can't shut off feelings... I've been married for 23 years... there are women I knew before I met my wife... some of them I have feelings for that aren't bad ones... what effect does that have with my wife? None at all because I'm not sneaking off to see any of them.

    What's in the past... is in the past. Nobody can change the past... what happens today... and tomorrow is what matters... and the choices you make in the future.

    IF she sneaks off , rents a hotel room with him... then you have something to worry about. As long as she is faithful to you... which means here and now... not something that happened before she even knew you existed, which she doesn't have to answer to you or anyone else about....nor is it your business to obsess over... then you have nothing to worry or think about.
    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by aliseaodo View Post
    Are you saying that she was with him again, after you were married?
    No she was not with him.she was with me amd we were intimate with each other and she took his name while making love to me with her eyes closed
    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    Get over it... there has to be some girl or woman in your past you remember... You can't erase memories... you can't shut off feelings... I've been married for 23 years... there are women I knew before I met my wife... some of them I have feelings for that aren't bad ones... what effect does that have with my wife? None at all because I'm not sneaking off to see any of them.

    What's in the past... is in the past. Nobody can change the past... what happens today... and tomorrow is what matters... and the choices you make in the future.

    IF she sneaks off , rents a hotel room with him... then you have something to worry about. As long as she is faithful to you... which means here and now... not something that happened before she even knew you existed, which she doesn't have to answer to you or anyone else about....nor is it your business to obsess over... then you have nothing to worry or think about.
    Ok see sir firstly I didn't had any girl or women in my past before I met her.adding to that even if I forget about her past and everything ,but what about she taking name of that guy I'm front of me and that to with her eyes closed and making love to me,isn't that something to worry about,this is also a kind of emotional cheating.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,871, Reputation: 5429
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    #20

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:29 AM
    I sometimes catch myself signing my maiden name on a check -- and I've been married almost 47 years. The human brain is a wondrous thing, and sometimes our memories buried in our unconscious rise to the surface, especially when we are joyful or hearing a certain song or smelling certain smells. I can remember my high school boyfriends by name and their birthdays when that calendar date comes around and the names of their family members. Like smoothy said, my husband is the one I live with and come home to at night and cook for and do laundry for.

    ***ADDED*** No, it's not emotional cheating. Something must have triggered a memory -- and I would take it as a compliment that you have made her happy.

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