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    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #21

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:48 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by coolhulk79x View Post
    Ok see sir firstly I didn't had any girl or women in my past before I met her.adding to that even if I forget about her past and everything ,but what about she taking name of that guy I'm front of me and that to with her eyes closed and making love to me,isn't that something to worry about,this is also a kind of emotional cheating.
    Well because YOU didn't didn't date any other women, you can't expect everyone else not to have. THat happens in every culture...even those with arrainged marriages. I know this ecause I know people who dated many people before their arrainged marriage...Men and women. Why do I find it impossible to believe that there was never another female that you have been attracted to or liked in your entire life before marrying this one? Despite being an arrainged marriage which I believe is the case here.

    I suppose you have never in your life... even once said something at a moment you should not have? I also suppose you have never at any point... thought of someone else, some actress... someone else you might have known or just saw in a movie, TV, or have seen at some store.

    If you say no.. then you are the first person who doesn't have an imagination.. or had a fantasy in the history of mankind. Because every other man and woman alive has... what most do not do is actually act on it... a word or name slipping out means nothing. Unless of course you do not feel that you are worthy of her affections. If you did, you would know that you are with her.. and nobody else is. And that should be enough.

    Its not emotional cheating... Is she calling him on the phone? NO, is she writing him letters? NO, is she sneaking out and meeting him when you are out of th house? NO. So its NOT emotional cheating. Its not any form of cheating at all.

    I see a VERY unhealthy amount of Jealousy on your part, as well as controlling behaviour. You are trying to control her thoughts... you are Jealous of someone who isn't even part of her current life when you really have no reason to be.

    Here is a warning from a fellow man... and please take it serious. Because I understand women a bit better than most men do.

    She hasn't cheated on you, and there is no indication she is even thinking about it... but if you continue doing what you are... you are going to make her want to because if you start throwing this in her face, then that is emotional abuse. That will drive anyone in any culture into cheating if it happens long enough. Man or woman.

    And yes I know enough people who are in arrainged marriages to know it happens there as well and for the same reasons.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #22

    Mar 17, 2014, 11:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by coolhulk79x View Post
    No she was not with him.she was with me amd we were intimate with each other and she took his name while making love to me with her eyes closed
    coolhulk, in English 'took' and 'take' usually refer to marriage or being in a relationship. To 'take' his name means to change her last name to his.

    The words you might want to use to clear up any confusion are 'called out' or 'said'.

    What is said in passion isn't always what the person is thinking. The mind can make connections that do not exist when the person is in a more rational mental state.

    I realize that I come from a very different culture than you do. I have always felt like a woman (or man) should not have to hide their past to be accepted by their partner nor should they be forced/coerced into giving details if they do not want to share.

    She should not have lied, but think about what would have been said or done if she hadn't. Self protection/preservation is a very human reaction. In the end she chose to marry you. She has been with you and had your child. she has made a home and family with you, not him. She has given you so much more than he ever received. She had one moment out of how many hours, minutes and seconds when her brain misfired.

    No relationship/marriage is perfect. I can't say how she feels about him. I can say that I look back on my exes with fondness because I refuse to be bitter, but I hold my husband tightly in my heart and mind. He is my present and my future. The others are pictures in a box. That may be how you sees her relationship with you. Would you want to destroy that over misplaced jealousy?

    Would you consider marriage counseling to help you both get passed this hurdle? It has been affecting your marriage for far too long. Can you try letting it go and encouraging her to let the guilt go and start over in building the relationship?
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #23

    Mar 17, 2014, 12:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by coolhulk79x View Post
    Ya she took his name after about 1 years of being married with me.
    I realize that there may be a language barrier here. But I really do not understand what "took his name" means. You need to explain that in more detail. Did she call out his name while you were being intimate or what? This is really the key to this situation. It is one thing to have had previous relationships and that's really nothing to get upset over. Its another to call out another person's name during intimacy. But even that is not so terrible, but does need to be dealt with.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #24

    Mar 17, 2014, 12:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    I realize that there may be a language barrier here. But I really do not understand what "took his name" means. You need to explain that in more detail. Did she call out his name while you were being intimate or what? This is really the key to this situation. It is one thing to have had previous relationships and that's really nothing to get upset over. Its another to call out another person's name during intimacy. But even that is not so terrible, but does need to be dealt with.
    I'm assuming she said his name in the middle of the two of them having sex by accident. And I based my answers on that. And he's upset that he wasn't the first and only man she's ever so much as talked to.

    I'm also assuming she was expected to have spent her entire life separated away from all men in some religious institution until the moment they married.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,106, Reputation: 10852
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    #25

    Mar 17, 2014, 12:45 PM
    He means called out the exes name in a time of intimacy folks. And it would be a huge problem if this is his first female experience, let alone marriage to a stranger. Add that to she wasn't a virgin as expected, then the problem is how he handles this double ego whammy when he has no experience.

    I highly suggest the seeking of a wiser trusted counsel before making the rash impulse of raging emotion. Given the nation, country, or culture, typical, traditional, professional counseling may not be available, or even exist as we know it in the western world.

    I think maybe your best recourse at this time Coolhulk, is sit your wife down and tell her honestly of your hurt conflicting feelings and that you are overwhelmed but promise to consider she has been a good wife so far, and you will try to overcome and deal with your feelings. In this way you both can help each other overcome this obstacle together and be bonded by the common goal of family and loyal commitment.

    A mature man forgives without punishment as she has been a good wife, maybe a great one for 3 years and that should never be forgotten or ignored. It should be appreciated and celebrated.

    She has been a great wife despite her inner conflict from what had to be a devastating heart break, hasn't she? Just be fair about it guy, and take into account she didn't lie or deceive, just needed to find the courage and trust to tell you, and calling out the name of another in rapture of passion should be forgiven, as we all make mistakes that hurt our partners, and pray for understanding and forgiveness.

    Talk and resolve this with the kindness it deserves and you will eventually be able to let it go. In the west we go fishing or some such endeavor that allows us as men to let the dust settle and handle our problems in wise and mature ways, without destroying our lies, or the people in it. Plus I am sure she apologized profusely after screwing up.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #26

    Mar 17, 2014, 05:48 PM
    Love can't be forced. You two were arranged to be married, and she did her duty and married you. You've not mentioned her being unfaithful during your marriage, so it seems that she continues to do her duty as your arranged wife.

    She may very well still have feelings for her ex, but she married you. She may not be in love with you, only she knows if she is or isn't, but she seems to be committed to your marriage.

    Are you in love with her? If you are, why can't you look past her past? Love her for who she is now. Yes, she said her exes name during an intimate moment with you. Sometimes the brain has a hiccup and says things it doesn't mean.

    Have you talked to her about this? Have you told her how you feel?
    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #27

    Mar 17, 2014, 09:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Alty View Post
    Love can't be forced. You two were arranged to be married, and she did her duty and married you. You've not mentioned her being unfaithful during your marriage, so it seems that she continues to do her duty as your arranged wife.

    She may very well still have feelings for her ex, but she married you. She may not be in love with you, only she knows if she is or isn't, but she seems to be committed to your marriage.

    Are you in love with her? If you are, why can't you look past her past? Love her for who she is now. Yes, she said her exes name during an intimate moment with you. Sometimes the brain has a hiccup and says things it doesn't mean.

    Have you talked to her about this? Have you told her how you feel?
    Ya I do talked to her about this and she apolosized for that too and said sorry a lot of times that fay when we talked and since then we are libing together but we haven't talked to each other till date.ya I do love her but I am unsure of her feelings for me.and adding to that I also want to tell that somejow I caj get over her past relation but the name thing like whay she called out at night while being intimate with me is the bigger issue with me to deal.cant able to understand this that if wr had spent 1 year happily together then why suddenly she called out his name..
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7691
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    #28

    Mar 17, 2014, 09:52 PM
    It appears, as noted, she has been faithful during marriage, and while you may not. Many many people, image other people while having sex. It may be more serious in your culture, but in western culture, this is much more common
    coolhulk79x's Avatar
    coolhulk79x Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #29

    Mar 17, 2014, 09:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    He means called out the exes name in a time of intimacy folks. And it would be a huge problem if this is his first female experience, let alone marriage to a stranger. Add that to she wasn't a virgin as expected, then the problem is how he handles this double ego whammy when he has no experience.

    I highly suggest the seeking of a wiser trusted counsel before making the rash impulse of raging emotion. Given the nation, country, or culture, typical, traditional, professional counseling may not be available, or even exist as we know it in the western world.

    I think maybe your best recourse at this time Coolhulk, is sit your wife down and tell her honestly of your hurt conflicting feelings and that you are overwhelmed but promise to consider she has been a good wife so far, and you will try to overcome and deal with your feelings. In this way you both can help each other overcome this obstacle together and be bonded by the common goal of family and loyal commitment.

    A mature man forgives without punishment as she has been a good wife, maybe a great one for 3 years and that should never be forgotten or ignored. It should be appreciated and celebrated.

    She has been a great wife despite her inner conflict from what had to be a devastating heart break, hasn't she? Just be fair about it guy, and take into account she didn't lie or deceive, just needed to find the courage and trust to tell you, and calling out the name of another in rapture of passion should be forgiven, as we all make mistakes that hurt our partners, and pray for understanding and forgiveness.

    Talk and resolve this with the kindness it deserves and you will eventually be able to let it go. In the west we go fishing or some such endeavor that allows us as men to let the dust settle and handle our problems in wise and mature ways, without destroying our lies, or the people in it. Plus I am sure she apologized profusely after screwing up.
    Ya we have talked and she appologized to me for that when we talked of it sinve then its about 3 months ans we haven't talked to each other.its been 2 years of our marriage now and one more thing to understand here is that she was in a relationship with that guy even when he refused to
    Marry her.she told me that when her relationship was 1.5 years old she asked her boyfriend to get married but he refused but still they were in a relationship for 1.5 more years ,a total of 3 years .and now after marrying me she still feels for him that ways .thats why she called out him name in intimacy.jow to deal it
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,106, Reputation: 10852
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    #30

    Mar 17, 2014, 09:59 PM
    Because old loves can haunt us forever, but being insecure doesn't help. Sometimes the hurts never heal, but we deal with them better with time. I think that's what you need now, just more time to get some confidence back. I know how you feel, its impossible to forget, so just forgive and work on the positive things you have and be grateful.

    The lesson I learned over the years is that as bad as things seem, they could be a lot worse. Nothing wrong with not understanding, but put yourself in her shoes for a minute, after you screw up (and you will), how do you want to be treated?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #31

    Mar 18, 2014, 03:44 PM
    I can't say that I wouldn't be upset if my husband called out his exes name while we were making love. I know it would bother me. But, it wouldn't bother me enough to ruin my marriage.

    It's just a name. I've called him many names, the dogs, the kids, the rabbits, once I even called him my exes name, but we weren't having sex at the time. He laughed about it. Heck, for the first 3 weeks we were together I called him Rob. It was really loud in the bar where we met, and when he said his name I thought he said Rob. It took him 3 weeks to finally tell me that his name wasn't Rob, and I did have an ex by that name.

    I understand that you're hurt, but part of marriage is working things out, picking your battles, and realizing that there are some things that aren't worth ruining your marriage over. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very small issue. If you're so insecure that it's ruining your relationship with your wife, I would suggest counseling. What you're doing now is not only not right, it's not healthy. Much bigger issues will come up in your married life. If you can't handle a minor one like this, your marriage is doomed to fail.
    speedball1's Avatar
    speedball1 Posts: 29,301, Reputation: 1939
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    #32

    Apr 19, 2014, 06:47 AM
    This guy needs a reality check. Did he think That he was getting a virgin ? You worry about what comes after the marriag andnot what took place before. Goo luck, Tom
    interestedlife's Avatar
    interestedlife Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #33

    Apr 20, 2014, 06:39 AM
    She gets no credit for being honest?

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