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    valatack's Avatar
    valatack Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 22, 2015, 06:45 PM
    What do I do??
    My husband and I have been together for 13 years. The last 3 have been not good. No cheating or real fighting or any of that. Just don't feel love. We were very independent from the start. Now we grow apart. I feel he hates me. He wants me to be happy. But his life is separated from mine. Completely. I feel I am setting a bad example for our two girls, about a loveless marriage. I think he hates me. But he just won't go.

    He says he just wants peace, which means not talking to me about our situation or anything. We have both change. And I want the guy he used to be, to me. He is awesome, just not with me. We don't understand each other any more.

    Please help. Some times I am sure I should just go, move out. Break up. I do, and he cries and its all back to the same. I love him, but is it worth it? HELP
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Feb 22, 2015, 07:16 PM
    You two need to talk to each other, no matter how painful it may be to both of you.

    The next step is marriage counseling for both of you.

    You're not communicating, and communication is what keeps a marriage alive. Communication isn't always easy, you normally both hear things you didn't expect, or don't want to accept. But this silence from both of you, not dealing with the issues, is not helping!

    Time to grow up, both of you, and talk about what's going on, and get help to deal with it!
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #3

    Feb 22, 2015, 09:48 PM
    I agree with Atly. I will be a little more bold though. From what you wrote you both are ignoring what is going on by not communicating. The way to wreck a relationship is to not communicate. You both have invested 13 years of marriage plus whatever time you spent before marriage. And two kids. It's worth it to invest in each other and communicate. I also agree marriage counseling is probably appropriate if you both want this to work.
    valatack's Avatar
    valatack Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 23, 2015, 03:11 AM
    Thanks so much for taking the time to answer. I spend endless amount of time trying to talk, he won't. He is not a bad person or a jurk or anything, he just doesn't talk. He says, if we are not fighting we are fine so what's there to talk? It kills me. I went to therapy by myself because he won't go either, same reason. As my psychiatrist my doctor gave me a few tips about how to get things back on track, spend time alone on dates and those kind of things, under the table he said get divorce, advise as a friend. So been there, than that, And by reading what I write I know it is time to let go. He just doesn't have fun with me anymore, I meen, am not fun anymore, I am not his friend anymore, he doesn't even smile at my jokes anymore. He is cheerful with the girls, I don't know what else to say.but thanks for listening, thanks a lot.

    Oliver, thanks to you to, I will use the same answer that I wrote to Aly, because, its kind of the same

    Thanks so much for taking the time to answer.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Feb 23, 2015, 05:10 AM
    First of all, you don't need a psychiatrist, who costs at least double of a therapist and isn't even trained in therapy. So go find a good therapist, or even a group.

    Second, flags go up for me whenever someone says they want the old person back, the one they fell in love with! All the wishing and hoping for the past is just fruitless, like trying to be 16 again. Living together for years or life is a series of steps, of changes. You can still enjoy each other, by appreciating the mutual respect and understanding that comes over time. There can still be romantic moments, even if they are 'planned,' like a hug and a smooch while cleaning the kitchen, or telling you how nice you look in a certain outfit, some of the things men just don't realize but can learn.
    I think I hear you saying that you feel meaningless and unloved, one of the most common complaints of women with children. The man settles into his domestic situation, getting meaning out of his job, coming home to a nice meal and doting children, while his wife falls into the role of his mother as well as the kids.
    This is about YOU. Sure, he's not much of a communicator, but you sound like someone who doesn't sit down and get to the heart of the matter. That's where therapy will help you to know how to distill your scattered and vague and petty complaints. Marriage counseling, very different from therapy, teaches couples together how to talk to each other. If therapy doesn't help you find meaning in your marriage, try to get him to go with you to a couples counselor. Assure him that it isn't about picking sides. A good counselor doesn't dwell on he said/she said, just instructs.

    Any unfulfilled mother at home can benefit from learning something new on her own, out of the house. A skill, a talent, a part time job, an academic course. How old are the kids?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #6

    Feb 23, 2015, 05:54 AM
    You can spend hours talking, but if you are not saying the right things and not listening, talking is not the answer. I see one issue, you want "The man he used to be" you have o forget that, and learn to love the man he is now. Trying to find a old memory is never going to happen.

    He may be OK and happy with life, like it is now, and see no reason to dealing with the issues. He may not even see anything as an issue.

    First couples need somewhat separate lifes, own friends, activities and learn to share and enjoy their time together.

    If he will you need to perhaps get counseling and try to get some activities to do together
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,881, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Feb 23, 2015, 08:51 AM
    You want a divorce then go file for one and talk to a lawyer instead of a shrink. You split the assets, set support and visitations and live the way you want and do what you want.

    Yes he will cry, and so will you and your kids.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #8

    Feb 23, 2015, 04:28 PM
    It sounds like you've made your decision and just want someone to agree with it. We can't do that as we only know your side of things. This is something only you can decide, and it's not a small decision to make, especially because there are children involved.

    Personally I would try everything before I called it quits. If you really fee there is no hope, and you already have tried everything to make the marriage better, than maybe it is time to leave. It won't be easy, especially on your kids.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #9

    Feb 24, 2015, 06:27 AM
    It sounds to me that you are waiting for him to change. You want to be heard, and he is not hearing what you have to say. That to me says, maybe you don't know what you want?

    Have you been more specific in your examples, he says he just 'want's peace', and your interpretation is that means, him not talking. You also say he 'hates you' and in the same breath, says he wants you to be happy.

    But, 10 of the last 13 years have been good. So what is it that has caused this change in the last 36 months?

    I can guarantee one thing, and that is, people change. You say you want the man he used to be, and that won't happen. People grow and change simply because they are human beings. You cannot turn back the clock on him being a person he used to be, nor can he change the clock back to when you were happy.

    With children involved, I urge you to seek marriage counseling. Both of you need to clarify through therapy, what has gone wrong, and how to change direction. You will be surprised, most likely, to learn, that you can't read his mind. Nor can he read yours.

    Making assumptions, and longing for unrealistic goals (wishing he were the man you married) puts you in a place where what you are thinking, isn't helping either of you to communicate effectively.

    I hope that some therapy will help each of you talk, and listen, and be prepared to accept that both parties have allowed this situation to happen.

    To let a marriage go (you just wish he'd leave you said), is tragic, and will do far more harm to your children in the long run, considering this recent 'problem' doesn't seem to make him a bad person, father, or husband.

    I also get the impression that something else is going on here. You say that he has not cheated- but is it something you are contemplating?

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