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    bluemoonlove's Avatar
    bluemoonlove Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 24, 2014, 12:30 AM
    What do I do?
    OK so my husband last week went to a strip club in another town. He was suppose to be out hunting but went there instead. He spent like $500 and got done for drink driving and has now lost his licence. I have trust issues, I checked his phone records. I called a suss number and it was the strip club he attended last week. I went along with it and said my husband (full name) called. The guy said yes I was talking to him today, he was enquiring about a vip booth.. for the 13th of September. I went along with it and hung up. I called my husband who hung up on me. (he obviously needed time to think of an excuse). He then said he only called to look for his hat that his lost the week before. He said no one even answered he only got the voice machine. He is such a good liar I start to doubt myself. The guy at the club knew exactly who I was talking about and told me why he rang and what he wanted. My husband denies talking to anyone, I called the club again and there voice message is the same length of his phone call from his statement. Am I crazy believing him? The club knew his name! He has a history of lying to me. Help!!
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #2

    Aug 24, 2014, 03:26 AM
    It's possible that the guy at the club is not unfamiliar with women calling to check up on a spouse or boyfriend and thinks making up such a story is a great joke. It's possible that your husband is telling the truth about the hat. That the time frame for the message is the same plays in his favor.

    Unfortunately, once you've been lied to a few times, you are left not being able to trust whether what they say is the truth. He could be honest about this, but how are you to know?What was his excuse for lying in the first place about going there instead of hunting, and losing his license? Was the $500 household money or his spending money?

    Regardless of whether he is being honest about the phone call, that is the least of the problems. Somehow the two of you need to come to an agreement of what is okay and what isn't. With a history of lying to you, perhaps counseling would be in order.

    We don't know what he lies about, or how extensive it is... little white lies to avoid hurting your feelings, or spending the rent money at clubs, but he needs to understand that trust is the very foundation of a marriage. Once that cracks, it takes time and effort to repair, and it can't always be fixed.

    Not an excuse for lying, but we also don't know how you react to it, which could perpetuate the lying to avoid confrontation.

    If the two of you can't discuss all of this and resolve the communication and trust concerns, seek outside help to do so.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,047, Reputation: 10852
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    #3

    Aug 24, 2014, 07:06 AM
    This sounds like just the latest of an ongoing issue. I think you resolve this by figuring out why he lies, and how to stop it, and that's a complex thing you may need a lot of help with.

    Is he willing to resolve this issue? How old are you both? Most guys lie about their wild dog adventures, usually alcohol fueled. Not excusing his efforts to hide it at all, just know it happens, and destroys marriages, and relationships in general.

    People just get tired of the behavior and that sounds like where you are at.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #4

    Aug 24, 2014, 03:32 PM
    I suppose hunting, and a strip club have some similarities.

    That he was not where he was supposed to be, and that he got a DUI, and he dinged the bank account for $500 would be enough for me.

    He's got a problem with (probably) fidelity. I don't know what a VIP booth is, but I suspect it's private entertainment?

    I don't know why you need confirmation from him, that what you suspect, is true. Maybe you are hoping for some explanation that makes sense, and you have a money tree in your backyard to pick to pay the light bill, having come up short because your husband spent it on strippers.

    I don't feel sorry for you not being able to smell the coffee so to speak. What is right in front of you, is the truth, and you're still waiting for it to make sense, so that the world is on an even keel again.

    Good luck with that.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7691
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    #5

    Aug 25, 2014, 12:42 AM
    There are a lot of issues, but I will say that going to the strip club is not one of them, many men do it, (men merely watch, partly or fully naked women dance) While a few are a front for prostitution, most are not, and most of the good clubs will not even allow touching of the girls.

    I will ask some background, is going to the strip clubs something that he has done and you do not like. So perhaps, he prefers to lie, than to face you and just tell you, he is going to do that.

    And of course, a group of men, out of town for a few days hunting, have been known to go into a club in the evening for a boys night out.

    The issue is the lying. Why do you believe, he could not just tell you?
    If he said, we are going to the strip club, would you have said OK, or what would your response be?

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